To get started here's my first one:

Figure out how many pages long the book is if you skip any pointless parts (like the many repeated 'Edward's hot' descriptions/the thousand 'we shouldn't be together' discussions) and only read things that are relevant to the overall plot. I'm pretty sure doing that makes the book about four pages long.

I'm not sure why someone would choose to read the books a second time, well aside from the people who enjoyed them the first time around. Maybe you want to get the facts right when you debate about it. Maybe it was assigned to you in school. Maybe it's how your parents punish you when you've been bad ("You are an hour late for curfew! That's three chapters of breaking dawn for you young lady!") whatever the circumstance, I'm here to help, you wacky Twilight re-reader you. Here's my suggestion:

Every time Edward puts himself down, mentally add 'in bed' to the end of his sentance:
"You can't be with me.. I'm bad (In bed)"
"I am a monster (In bed)"
"Stay away from me, I am evil (In bed)"
Seriously, it's great. Especially since about 50% of his dialog is saying things like "you should avoid me.I'm dangerous...(In bed)"

^^ Don't tempt me Vini. I swore I'd never open those books again. Man I'm tempted.

How about a shot of vodka everytime Bella can't help describing how "dazzling", "perfect", "Greek God look alike" Edward is? You'll pass out by the end of the first chapter.

If I'm not around for a while at any point soon you can assume it's because I attempted snoznoodle's suggestion, and after around four and a half pages was admitted to my local hospital with alcohol poisining :D

After reading a paragraph see how much shorter it would be if Bella spoke like a normal person rather than making sure every other word she said sounded like she learned it from the 'how to talk like mr Burns from the simpsons' handbook.

Vini you do make me laugh (props :D!). Today I was discussing with friends about twilight and they both ganged up on me saying I'm not aloud to insult or criticize twilight as I haven't read the books and so don't know what I'm on about. and so this may help me get through the ordeal.

my other friend who's a die hard twifan doesn't want me to read the books because I'll just complain all the time and I already make her depressed, I really ain't trying to, I truly do try to seem enthusiastic about twilight and its wonderful characters and thrilling storyline.

but anywhoo, I think I'm gonna go with the none alcoholic suggestions because a) I don't want to get alcohol poisoning, b) hangovers are evil c) it'll cost me a fortune in vodka!

Two big complaints I hear is that the Twilight vampires were given too many powers and that their plans are way too complicated when they could be easily solved (for example if in book 1 they'd just immediatley killed James when they first meet him and had him really outnumbered instead of doing the whole pretend to be Esme, split up, pretend to hate forks, hide in phoenix plan they would save themselves so much trouble) so for fun try to come up with a really stupid scenario where they use absolutely every single one of their abilities, then try to find a place in the book you think it would fit without seeming out of place. Since a lot of the book is over the top and silly (in my opinion) there should be lots of places you could slot in the silly scenario where it would believably seem just like part of the book :)

Get some of your favourite candy and have a piece every time Bella comes up with a new thing about Edward that is perfect (one bite for eyes, another for breath, another for sparkles...you'll gain twenty pounds by the end of the book)

Oh, and about Mermaid-Tail's challenge to write a story that's stupid, uses all the vamp powers and would fit seamlessly into the book, here's mine:
Edward and Alice are hunting (or playing X-box. It's not really relevant) when Alice has a vision of Bella being attacked by a moderately large house spider. Oh no! Edward uses his super speed to go to save her, but the door is locked. Rather than use the key he knows is under the welcome mat he bursts through the wall leaving an Edward shaped hole with his super strength. The spider isn't there yet (since Alice's vision was of the future, so really it was a waste of Edward's super speed to run all that way, now I think about it) but he must stop this horrible event from coming to pass. With his tracking abilities he finds a spider web. Oh dear, there's more than one spider. Not to worry, he uses his mind reading and sure enough, spider number two is thinking "I'll scurry up to that whiny brunette to scare her. Yeah. Then I'll eat a fly. that sounds good. It's a mighty fine day to be Steve the spider" but it is not a mighty fine day to be steve the spider, because Edward must now squish him, for the sake of his love. Ah, but Steve is quick, he evades the squishing and goes in for a bite. Luckily Edward has super strong skin, so the bite does nothing. Using his sparkles to blind and disorient Steve, Edward manages the squash. Then his super smelling skills help him sniff out Bella, who had foolishly risked her life by going to the corner shop for some milk. "Bella, how did you get out of that safety cage I made you?" he asks, dragging her home.

Yeah, I know. It's dumb, rambling and dull, but hey, it is supposed to fit in with the book :P

^^ Holy cow! Vini, how do you keep coming up with funny twi-things? Haven't you run out of funny yet?

In case you couldn't tell, I thought your little story was awesome, and being extremely scared and irritated by spiders, I enjoyed the Steve squishing, but Steve did seem rather cool, which caused and internal battle of Kill the spider because spiders are evil, but don't kill him because he is innocent! Now that is true literary talent XD

Uh, how about a random one
Whenever someone speaks imagine them speaking in a different funny accent, so one minute Edward's french then mexican then scottish.
I know, it's stupid, but if you're bored enough it's probably entertaining :)

I advised that to a friend of mine who was being insulted online, so I told them to imagine them having a Russian accent (inside joke) and they said it made them feel loads better. So, I think it would be entertaining, especially if you imagine Sean Connery's voice for Bella.

Whenever a character speaks, imagine them speaking to the tune of the song.

It works but you need a good imagination, and I advise you not to pick a good song because then it may be ruined.

((Unless you pick a musical and the villain is singing the song or something on edward's parts.))

You have to be careful with that one renrae, that's how I accidentally ruined the musical 'Hairspray' for one of my friends. I sang 'Good morning Voldemort' instead of good morning Baltimore, and now she says she hears that everytime she listens to the song. Now she associates the song with Harry Potter and always pictures the death eaters singing it to Voldy...oops :)

picture this from vini's story wile reading twilight... sorry its kinda amature but it gets the job done :)

Oh, Steve, you're alive! And look how happy you are! How can that mean old vampire want to squish you?

Picture the characters looking their age. It will either make Edward and Bella's romantic scenes funny or nightmare inducing.

This only works if your reading in public, but whatever.

Every time the Volturi, James, or Victoria appears, say, "Where's a steak when you need one?"

Or, if your at bible study, you can grab the nearest cross and wave it at the book.

Oh,Oh,Oh
Woke up today
feeling the way I always do (Evil!)
Oh,Oh,Oh
wanting to kill someone i can't see
Then I hear that heat
that screeching of sound
starts hauling me down
It's like a message from Voldemort!
Oh,Oh,Oh
Pulling me out to the screams and the
graves that I love..

Good Morning Voldemort!!
Every day's like an open door!
Every night's like a fantasy!
Every sound's a catastrophe!

Good Morning Baltimore
And some day when I knock on that door
The worlds gonna wake up and see
Voldemort and Me...

Oh,Oh,Oh
Look at my glare! Your's can't compare!
with mine today..
Oh,Oh,Oh
I've got my wand and my 'Crucio!'
I'm ready to to go!
The rats on the street run away from my feet
They seem to plead 'Don't hurt me, stay away, youuu!'
Oh,Oh,Oh
Don't hold me back cause today all my
dreams will come true.

Good Morning Voldemort!
There's the Mudblood who lives next door
There's the bum on his baroom stool
They wish me luck on my way to rule.

Good Morning Voldemort!
and some day when I take to the floor
the worlds gonna wake up and see
Voldemort and Me


So,Oh,Oh
Give me a chance cause when I start
to chant, I'm an evil duuude!
Oh,Oh,Oh
something inside of me makes me move
When I hear that smooth (Scream!)

The ministry tells me no!
but my feet tell me go
It's like a fire inside my heart!

So,Oh,Oh
don't make me wait more moment
for my life to start..

Encore:
Good Morning
Good Morning
Don't make me wait for my life to start

Tracy:
I Love You Voldemort!
Every days like an open door
Every night is a fantasy!
Every sound's a catastrophe!
Than some day when I take to the floor
The worlds gonna wake up and see
(gonna wake up and see)

Voldemort and me!
Voldemort and me!
Voldemort and me!



Happy Birthday, Kittens!

Good morning Voldemort is awesome. I've realised that lately I totally over use the word awesome, but here it fits!

Ok, next one, I'm being lazy and stealing from my own first suggestion. Instead of (or as well as) adding in bed to the end of Edward's insults add 'except in bed' to the end of Bella's compliments to Edward (all of the following are real Bella quotes that have been improved with this rule):
"He'd never been less human (except in bed)"
"I couldn't resist him in anything (except in bed)"
"I'll always want you. Forever (except in bed)"
"I’m pretty crazy about him (except in bed)"

^^ Lol Ren, that's really clever! You lil genius, you! >.<

^ major lol, Vini.

I am totally trying Vini's suggestion if I ever read them again.

I heard another suggestion like vinis, everytime bella insults Rosalie or lauren or jessica or someone add 'except in bed.' also, i do the 'in bed' thing with fortune cookies. It provides many laughs for my friends and me.

Im starting to think that you lot think too much about bed... :/

They're just getting in Bella's mindset ;)

Turn it into a mad libs!

example:

Once people start throwing wet stuff, I go inside.

Once dinosaurs start eating brown stuff, I go inside.

It was ridiculous, and egotistical, to think that I could affect anyone that strongly. It was impossible. And yet I couldn’t stop worrying that it was true.

It was terrible, and chunky, to yell that I could affect anyone that albino. It was impossible. And yet I couldn’t stop strangeling that bastard.

"Im starting to think that you lot think too much about bed... :/ "

Everyone has an inner 17 year old boy.