I'm trying to compile a huge list of quotes - everything from the sarcastic things House says to the constant advice Wilson offers. Quotes from all the episodes both amusing and thought provoking.
I'm doing my best, but its hard to make a dent in the huge amount of quotes there are. So here's what I have, I'll update it as much as I can, and if you have anything you want me to add - let me know and I will!
Thanks and I hope you enjoy!

Last Updated: 20 May 2008

*NEW* Wilson's Heart quotes
(More to come) - Please comment any you may have!

House: Life shouldn't be random.... lonely misanthropic drug addicts should die in bus crashes and young do-gooders in love who get dragged out of their apartments in the middle of the night should walk away clean.
Amber: Self-pity isn't like you.
House: No well I'm branching out from self-loathing and self-destruction. Wilson is gonna hate me.
Amber: You kinda deserve it.
House: He's my best friend.
Amber: I know. Pause. What now?
House: I could stay here with you.
Amber: Get off the bus.
House: It doesn't hurt here.... I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to be miserable. And I don't want him to hate me.
Amber: Well, you can't alwys get what you want.

Doctor: Her heart won't stop racing, no idea what's causing it.
House: Sure it wasn't the bus that landed on her?

Kutner: What did House have to say?
Thirteen: He told me I was raised by wolves and that's why I use the same hand for my fork and knife.

Amber: I'm tired. Wilson slightly nods his head. I think it's time to go to sleep.
Wilson: Just a little longer.
Amber: We're always gonna want just a little longer.
Wilson: I don't think I can do it.
Amber: Its ok.
Wilson: Its not ok. Why is it ok with you? Why aren't you angry?
Amber: That's not the last feeling I want to experience.
He kisses her and then turns off the machines keeping her alive. She gently holds his arm and looks into his eyes one last time.

Cuddy: I'm distracting you.
House: No! Dance woman!
Cuddy: You'd rather be diagnosing.
House: I screamed no!
Cuddy: And your own subconscience ignored you cause you'd rather fantasize about finding symptoms. How screwed up is that?


HOUSE

House: "Gorgeous women do not go to medical school. Unless they're as damaged as they are beautiful."

House: "I am both amused and annoyed that you think I should be less stubborn than you are."

House: "Like I always say, there's no "I" in "team". There is a "me", though, if you jumble it up."

House: "Some day there will be a black President. Some day there will be a gay President. Maybe there'll even be a gay, black President. But one combination I do not see happening is gay, black, and dead. You need to stop lying to me."

House: "Are you ... comparing me to God? I mean, that's great, but just so you know, I've never made a tree.

House: "Nonconformity, right. I can't remember the last time I saw a 20-something kid with a tattoo of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker. You want to be a rebel? Stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he does and get a haircut. Like the Asian kids who don't leave the library for 20 hours stretches, they're the ones who don't care what you think. Sayonara."

House: "Humiliation comes in all kinds of packages. People finding out that your son's a perv, that's pretty high up there. People finding out that you'd rather let your son die than sign a piece of paper, where's that rank?"

House: "This is a mistake. I don't know how to have casual conversation. You think you're talking about one thing, and either you are and it's incredibly boring, or you're not because it's subtext and you need a decoder ring."

House: "It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is about what. The weird thing about telling someone they're dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they're willing to die for. What they're willing to lie for."

House: "If you can fake sincerity, you can fake pretty much anything."

House: "You know how they say, "you can't live without love"? Well, oxygen is even more important."

House: "I know you're friends with her, but there is a code. Bros before hos, man."

House: "Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good."

House: "Listen, I saved his life. That means I get credit for every life he saves from here on out."

House: "There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn't function."

House: "[knocking on Wilson's office door] I know you're in there! I can hear you caring!"

House: "Yeah. I want to save her. I'm morally bankrupt."

House: "Isn't it interesting... religious behavior is so close to being crazy that we can't tell them apart."

House: "Idiots are fun. No wonder every village wants one."

House: "Glad you're back. Cameron makes lousy coffee. I like mine black, just like my brain damaged neurologists."

House: "...Everything is conditional. You just can't always anticipate the conditions."

House: "If we were to care about every person suffering on this planet, life would shut down."

House: "Could have left the scarf at home and just told him you'd be wearing a look of desperation."

House: "I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a child's ear, or any other orifice for that matter, and given the right circumstances bring two women to simultaneous ecstasy."

House: "No, Cameron had concerns. Chase just agreed with her because he didn't want to lose his all access pass to her love rug."

House: "Good news is all the pilots are red meat men. Although I was kinda looking forward to landing this puppy myself."

House: "I asked you what two plus two equals and a day later you tell me, 'Not twenty-five."

House: "Never is just reven spelled backwards."

House: "First, 'Hector does go rug' is a lame anagram. Want a better one for Gregory House]? 'Huge ego, sorry.'"

House: "I choose to believe that the white light people sometimes see... they're all just chemical reactions that take place when the brain shuts down.... There's no conclusive science. My choice has no practical relevance to my life, I choose the outcome I find more comforting.... I find it more comforting to believe that this isn't simply a test."

House: "There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is --- in fact --- a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every 20 feet between love and hate."

House:"What usually happens when you poke something with a stick? It pokes back."

House (about Wilson telling people they are dying): "This buddy of mine, I gotta give him ten bucks every time somebody says Thank you. Imagine that. This guy's so good, people thank him for telling them that they're dying.... I don't get thanked that often."

House: Mixing up some margaritas? Mines a double, Senorita. That's Portuguese, you know.

House: What would you prefer - a doctor who holds your hand while you die or one who ignores you while you get better? I suppose it would particularly suck to have a doctor who ignores you while you die.

House: I've been a doctor for years. Why do I have to keep assuring people I know what I'm doing?

b]House[/b]: Hey! He knows more homeless people than any of us! [to Foreman] Go check out the hood, dawg.

House: "I'm happy to report that we are now so in sync, we're actually wearing each other's underwear."

House: "When I lead the big patient rebellion, Voldemort here is the first to go."


WILSON

Wilson: "You know, in some cultures, it's considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Of course, in Swedish, the word "friend" can also be translated as "limping twerp"."

Wilson: "And you want my advice on how to usurp him? It's very ancient Rome: you'll need a toga, and of course, a sword."

Wilson: "Are you trying to end this discussion by grossing me out? I'm an oncologist, most of my patients have their skin sloughing off."

Wilson: "I didn't say it was rational. HIV testing is 99% accurate, which means there are some people who test positive who live with their own impending doom for months or years before finding out everything is okay. Weirdly, most of them don't react with happiness or even anger - they get depressed. Not because they wanted to die but because they've defined themselves by their disease. Suddenly, what made them, them, isn't real."

Wilson: "I've got no kids, my marriage sucks; I've only got two things that work for me: this job and this stupid, screwed-up friendship, and neither mattered enough to you to give one lousy speech."

Wilson: "I've got to be your damn conscience. I'm tired of being your conscience. I don't enjoy being your conscience."

Wilson: Trying to win Stacy back by killing an animal. Very caveman.

Wilson: Oh, this is where I give you advice and pretend you are going listen to it, I love this part.

Wilson: I'm not getting sucked into the vortex of your insanity again.

Wilson: Is it possible for you to just watch me eat. Or do you get some primeval thrill out of beating the other hunters to the food?

Wilson: "You're so afraid if you change, you'll lose what makes you special."

CUDDY

Cuddy: "Is your yelling designed to scare me because I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be scared of. More yelling? That's not scary. That you're gonna hurt me? That's scary, but I'm pretty sure I can out run you."

Cuddy: Oh, I looked up that philosopher you quoted, Jagger, and you're right. You can't always get what you want. But as it turns out, if you try sometimes, you get what you need.

Cuddy: "It takes two department heads to treat shortness of breath? What, do the complications increase exponentially with cup size?"

Cuddy: "Here's what I think she's going to say. [Imitating Stacy's accent] Oh, I loooove Greg! But if you go against the patient's wishes, you're calling her a liar. And if something goes wrong, I end up in court, having to defend the big mean doctor albeit with dreamy eyes) who wouldn't believe the nice suburban mom. And even though his cane makes me melt, do the damn surgery."

Cuddy: When I see people with their kids, it's so natural. It's like they have an instruction book imprinted on their genes.
[voice breaking] Maybe I just didn't get a copy. Maybe my wanting to be a mother is like a tone-deaf person wanting to sing opera or a paraplegic who wants to...

Cuddy: It's not going to work. You know why? Because this is fun. You think of something to make me miserable, I think of something to make you miserable. It's a game, and I'm going to win. Because I got a headstart - you're already miserable.

Cuddy: When I hired you , I knew you were insane. I will continue to try and stop you from doing insane things, but once they're done...trying to convince an insane person not to do insane things is, in itself, insane.

Cuddy: Twenty-four times a year you come storming into my office spouting that you can help someone. Except you never say those words. You say something like, "His pancreas is going to explode because his brain is on fire!""

HOUSE/WILSON

Wilson: "That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality."
House: "Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain."

Wilson: "I'm not gonna date a patient's daughter."
House: "Very ethical. Of course, most married men would say they don't date at all."

Wilson: "So your philosophy is, 'If they don't want treatment, they get it shoved down their throat, but if it might cure their paralysis, whoa, better slow down'."
House: "Yeah. My old philosophy used to be 'Live and let live', but I'm taking this needlepoint class and they gave us these really big pillows."

House: "What, you're saying I've only got one friend?"
Wilson: "Uh, and who...?"
House: "...Kevin, in Bookkeeping."
Wilson: "Okay, well first of all, his name's Carl."
House: "I call him Kevin. It's a secret "friendship club" name."

House: "You value our friendship more than your ethical responsibilities."
Wilson: "Our friendship is an ethical responsibility."

Wilson: "Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect."
House: "And the reason you want respect...?"
Wilson: "To...get laid."

Wilson: "She was uncomfortable doing any more tests! I had to convince her to do that one!"
House: "Do you get that often? Women would rather die than get naked with you? "

House: "Wilson! How long can you go without sex?"
Wilson: "How long can you go without annoying people?"

Wilson: "Can this wait five minutes?"
House: "Is she dying?"
Wilson: "Yes."
House: "Before the end of this consult?"
Wilson: "They could build monuments to your self-centeredness."

Wilson: "House! Why the hell did you let an unstable patient wander the hallways?!?"
House: "His leash broke."

Wilson: "What're you doing down here? Thought you usually have lunch with Coma Guy."
House: "This is Vegetative-state Guy. Better company."

House: "You're the oncologist; I'm just a lowly infectious disease guy." 

Wilson: "Hah, yes: just a simple country doctor."

House: "There are about a billion sick people on the planet, why this one?" 

Wilson: "Because this one's in our emergency room." 

House: "Ah, so it's a proximity issue. If somebody was sick in the third floor stairwell that's who we would be talking about."
Wilson: "Yes, I checked the stairwell, it's clear."

Wilson:"You can be a real jerk sometimes, you know that?"
House: "Yeah. And you're the good guy." 

Wilson: "At least I try." 

House: "As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want." 

Wilson: "And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want." 

House: "So between us, we can do anything. We can rule the world!"

House: "You see grace because you want to see grace." 

Wilson: "You don't see grace because you won't go anywhere near her." 

House: "Idolizing is pathological with you people. You see things to admire where there's nothing." 

Wilson: "Yeah, well, we're evil." 

House: "You find things to admire where you shouldn't be sniffing at all; like Debbie in accounting." 

Wilson: "She's nice." 

House: "You shouldn't know that, you're married."

House: "Half the doctors who specialize in oncology turned into burned out cases, but you. You eat neediness." 

Wilson: "Lucky for you...." 

House: "You're a functional vampire. Sure you're heroic, useful to society, but only because it feeds you.... You don't just have a fetish for needy people, you marry them. You mean it! And then time passes and suddenly they're not so needy any more. Your fault. You've been there for them too much, they're getting healthy, independent. And that's just ugly.... You know what you're risking by sleeping with a patient." 

Wilson: "Oh, that's crap. You're not mad because I'm risking my job. You're not even mad because I lied to you. You're mad because I lied to you and you couldn't tell." 

House: "Yeah. You got me nailed."

House: "I was curious. Since I'm not a cat, that's not dangerous." 

Wilson: "I don't think that metaphor was designed to actually warn cats."

Wilson: "Does it occur to you that maybe there's some deeper guidance than keep your mouth shut? That maybe a friend might value concern over glibness? That maybe... maybe I'm going through something that I need to have an actual conversation about?" 

House: "Does it occur to you that if you need that kind of a friend, that you may have made some deeper errors."

Wilson: "You know why people are nice to other people?" 

House: "Oh, I know this one. Because people are good, decent and caring. Either that, or people are cowards. If I'm mean to you, you'll be mean to me. Mutually assured destruction."
Wilson: "Exactly...." 

House: "You gonna get to your point?" 

Wilson: "You need people to like you." 

House: "I don't care if people like me." 

Wilson: ..."Yes. But you need people to like you because you need people. Unless you think you can get the next court order yourself. If Stacy can't trust you, you can't use her. And that's not even dealing with the greater agenda — of getting her to dump her husband and fall in love with you all over again."

Wilson:'The healer with his magic powers! / I could rub his gentle brow for hours. / His manly chest, his stubbled jaw, / Everything about him leaves me raw-'
House: Psych ward's upstairs.
Wilson: -with joy. Oh, House your very name / Will never leave this girl the same.' It's not bad for an 82-year-old. She asked me to give that to her true love.
House: What can I say? Chicks with no teeth turn me on.
Wilson: That's fairly disgusting.
House: That's ageism.
Wilson: You better watch yourself around this babe.

House: You bastard. You invited my parents to dinner.
Wilson: Geez, Cameron's got a big mouth.
House: Ha! Not as big as yours.
Wilson: Hey, you used me to avoid seeing your parents.
House: Well, what do you care?
Wilson: I don't. I just thought it might be interesting to find out why.
House: You could have just asked.
Wilson: You would have lied.
House: And you would have believed me. Which would have kept us both happy. Do you want your money back, is that what this is about?
Wilson: No! Wait, what? Have you got the money?
[House starts to write check]
Wilson: If you have the money, then why did you need the loan?
House: I didn't. I just wanted to see if you'd give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me forty dollars a year ago. A little experiment to see where you'd draw the line.
Wilson: You're - you're trying to objectively measure how much I value our friendship?
House: That's five grand, you've got nothing to be ashamed of. So what do you say, one little phone call, one big check?
Wilson: Fine. [takes check]
Wilson: Thanks. [gets in car]
Wilson: Now, be a grownup and either tell mommy and daddy you don't want to see them or I'm picking you up at 7:00 for dinner.
House: What do you mean? You just said...
Wilson: I lied. I've been lying to you in increasing amounts ever since I told you you look good unshaved a year ago. It's a little experiment, you know, to see where you'd draw the line.

Wilson: I am so tired of this.
[pause]
Wilson: Did you know that the new nurse from cardiology is sleeping with that weird lawyer from the board?
House: The guy with eleven fingers?
Wilson: He has eleven fingers?
House: How do you not notice that?
Wilson: The nurse used to be a man.
House: [guessing] She's not anymore.
Wilson: But we can't talk about that.
House: I thought we were.
Wilson: We were supposed to talk about that. I came here to talk about that, but on the way up, I ran into Cameron. You've got a CIPA patient.
House: [thinks] ... tranny nurse is more interesting.
Wilson: Oh, it's WAY more interesting. But instead, I've gotta be your damn conscience. I'm tired of being your conscience. I don't enjoy being your conscience...
House: No one enjoys it...
Wilson: You're studying her.
House: She's actually sick.
Wilson: Which you found out after you took her on.
House: I was curious. Since I'm not a cat, that's not dangerous.
Wilson: I don't think that metaphor was designed to actually warn cats. You don't care about her illness, you care about CIPA - which means your focus is gonna be on getting your answers, not hers.
House: Thank you. Forewarned is forearmed.
Wilson: What do you think you're gonna figure out? You think... her lack of pain is somehow the answer to your pain.
House: I think... if you'd stop talking to Cameron, then right now we could be ranking nurses in order of doability.

Wilson: Even I don't like you!
House: Words can hurt you know.

House: He is not a saint. He figures out what's going on in people's lives by watching, listening, deducing...
Wilson: And you're worried about trademark infringement?

Wilson: She's looking to connect with you, and that's what's scaring the hell out of you. Tell her the truth.
House: There is no truth.
Wilson: Are we role-playing? Am I you? I don't wanna be you.

House: Ah, if it isn’t Dr. “I had no friends when I was growing up, so all I did was watch TV by myself which is why I can now make pop cultural references which no one understands but me.”
Wilson: That’s my name, don’t wear it out.

House: "Tonight."
Wilson: "What?
House: "'L Word' Marathon."
Wilson: "You watch 'The L Word'?"
House: "On mute."
Wilson: "I'll pass. Dinner with Cuddy...."
House (after Wilson explains): "She asked you?"
Wilson: "She's smart. She knows if she buys me enough alcohol my defenses just might be weakened."
House: "Doesn't make sense. Unless she ran out of batteries."
Wilson: "Hey. I'm recently single. She's single."
House: "You're too nice for her to like you. She's not needy enough for you to like her. She's got an agenda. Just not one that includes an appearance by 'little Jimmy'."

Wilson (telling House that his theory that Cuddy wanted to consult because she had cancer was wrong): "It was a date."
House: "What are you doing?"
Wilson: "PCR test."
House: "You're doing it yourself. In the middle of the night. On a spoon. Cuddy's spoon."
Wilson: "I'm checking her saliva for cancer markers."
House: "Yeah— I do that after all my dates, too. People think you're the nice one."
Wilson: "Why are you so worried about Cuddy?"
House: "You go first. You desperately want this to be a date."
Wilson: "Because the alternative is cancer."
House: "Just admit that you like her. She's smart, funny. Got a zesty bod. It's great you can look beyond the fact she's the devil"
Wilson: "I stole a spoon. You stole her garbage.
House: "She's my boss. She gets sick, the hospital might replace her. Especially if she dies. I'd have to learn how to manipulate someone new."
Wilson: "Whoa. I think I'm gonna cry."

House: "Just be straight with her."
Wilson: "I'm not sure what that is. I— I can't stop thinking about her."
House: "In what way?"
Wilson: "Maybe she's right, maybe— maybe this is worth exploring?"
House: "You sure she feels—"
Wilson: "She sent me flowers! How do I do this? What do I say?"
House: "Cameron would tell you to say how you feel. Me, I'd get her drunk."
Wilson: "I'm not going to say anything. I'm just going to walk into her office, and I'm going to kiss her."
House: "That's— a bold move, Cuddy likes bold. Yeah your right, if you spoke you'd say something stupid."
Wilson: "Yeah, and I'll either get a girlfriend or get fired. Ok— yeah ok … You, you you you! You were going to let me do that?"
House: "Well you made a compelling argument."
Wilson: "You sent those flowers to me!"
House: "Yes because, you took her to a play because actually you do want to march down there and kiss her."
Wilson: "No! I don't!"
House: "Yes you do."
Wilson: "You're right."
House: "Seriously?"
Wilson: "No. You're a jerk."

Wilson: "Bonnie called last night to talk about the dog. Your name came up."
House: "Good lord, how do you still have teeth?"
Wilson: "She’s the worst realtor in New Jersey. What is this, escalation? I go out with Cuddy, you hook up with my ex? I don’t even know what that’s designed to do."
House: "You’re an addict. I’m saving you from yourself."
Wilson: "By condo shopping, thank you."
House: "If I can figure out where you keep going wrong, then I can nip this Cuddy thing in the bud before she becomes the fourth ex-Mrs. Wilson.
Wilson: Yes, I was worried there was no way to stop that train."
House: "You have to have sex with Cuddy."
Wilson: "Wait… to stop the train? Bonnie said (quietly) I’m bad in bed?"
House:(loudly) "Huh?! (normally) Yeah. She also said if she slept with you before she liked you, then it would have been easier to handle when you turned into the sorry bastard that left her alone."
Wilson: "I told her you were wasting her time, by the way."
House: "You think that’s going to stop her? The woman’s the worst realtor in New Jersey."

Wilson: So your philosophy is, 'If they don't want treatment, they get it shoved down their throat, but if it might cure their paralysis, whoa, better slow down.'
House: Yeah. My old philosophy used to be 'Live and let live,' but I'm taking this needlepoint class and they gave us these really big pillows.

House: I said I was an addict, I didn't say I had a problem. I pay my bills, I make my meals. I function.
Wilson: That all you want? You have no relationships.
House: I don't want any relationships.
Wilson: You alienate people.
House: I've been alienating people since I was three.
Wilson: Oh, come on! Drop it! You don't think you've changed over the last few years?
House: Well, of course I have. I've gotten older. Sometimes I'm bored. Sometimes I'm lonely. Sometimes I wonder what it all means.
Wilson: No. I was there. You are not just some regular guy who's getting older. You've changed! You're miserable! And you're scared to face yourself-
House: [slams his cane on the shelf] OF COURSE I'VE CHANGED!
Wilson: [pause] And everything's the leg? Nothing's the pills?
House: They let me do my job. And they take away my pain.


HOUSE/CUDDY


Cuddy: "Good morning, Dr. House."
House: "Good morning, Dr. Cuddy! Love that outfit. Says, I'm professional, but I'm still a woman. Actually, it sorta yells the second part."
Cuddy: "Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle too."

House: "Well, I don't want to say anything bad about another doctor, especially a useless drunk."
Cuddy: "You're addicted to pain pills."
House: "But I'm not useless."

House: "Death row guy. I want the case."
Cuddy: "How do you even know about him? You don't have access to the hospital's mainframe."
House: "No, but "partypants" does."
Cuddy: "You stole my password?"
House: "Hardly counts as stealing; it's a pretty obvious choice."

House: "Gimme a reason to get out of this, and I'll tell you who started the rumor about you being a transsexual."
Cuddy: "There is no such rumor."
House: "There will be unless you get me out of this dinner."

House: "Chase killed that woman, now Foreman's in charge?"
Cuddy: "Yeah, we have a pecking order here, if Cameron kills somebody, Chase takes over. There's a flow chart in the lobby."

Cuddy: "These are your big ideas? Somebody's lying?"
House: "Hasn't let me down yet"

Cuddy: "I can't even imagine the backwards logic you used to rationalize shooting a corpse."
House: "Well if I'd shot a live person there's a lot more paperwork."
Cuddy: "Then it won't be a problem for you to stand besides the casket at the wake and explain why a cancer patient has a bullet hole in his head."
House: "The man donated his body to science. Yes, it's a tragedy. If I hadn't shot him his body could have spent the next year letting first year med students use the carpool lane."

House: "After that look, I'm feeling a little frisky and looks like you're up."
Cuddy: "I'm ovulating. Let's go."
House: "The frisky, it went away."

Cuddy: "Is that Vicodin?"
House: "Breath mint. Thought you were going to kiss me"

House (complaining about having to teach a course): "Why is it always me?" 

Cuddy: "Because the world hates you. Or because it's a class on diagnostics. Pick whatever reason feeds your narcissism better."

House: "You’re guilt. It's perverse, and it makes you a crappy doctor. It also makes you okay at what you do." 

Cuddy: "You figure a perverted sense of guilt makes me a good boss?" 

House: "Well, would the world be a better place if people never felt guilty? Makes sex better." He points his cane at Stacy, "Should have seen her in the last months of our relationship. Lot of guilt. Lot of screaming." He changes back to the initial subject, "I know this wasn't just because it was your roof. Cuddy. You see the world as it is and you see the world as it could be. What you don't see is what everybody else sees: the giant, gaping chasm in-between." 

Cuddy: "House, I'm not naive. I realize—"
House: "If you did, you never would have hired me. You're not happy unless things are just right. Which means two things: you're a good boss and you'll never be happy." He starts to leave and then turns back, "By the way, why does everybody think you and I had sex? Think there could be something to it?"

Cuddy: "What’s the problem?"
House: "You won’t go to a play with me. Why?"
Cuddy: "House, why is my social life suddenly red hot? One minute, I’m mushing along with the huskies as usual, and suddenly its global warming. You think you saw someone pick up a toy from the sandbox and suddenly you want it."
House: "Is that why you said no?"
Cuddy: "Maybe I just want a friend and I thought Wilson was a safe choice."
House: "I'm not safe. Cool. James Wilson is never the safe choice."
Cuddy: "Going to a gallery, we’re not getting married."
House: "Oh, sure you say that now. But he always marries them in the end."

Cuddy: Your reputation won't last if you don't do your job; the clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job.
House: Ah, yes, but as the philosopher Jagger once said, 'You can't always get what you want.'

Cuddy (leaving the hospital wearing a tennis outfit with a very short skirt): What are you doing back here? A patient?
House: No, a hooker. Came to my office instead of my home.

House: [talking to Wilson about a patient and quickly changing the subject as he sees Cuddy coming] —the cutest little tennis outfit! My God, I thought I was going to have a heart attack! Oh my! I didn't see you there - That is so embarrassing...
Cuddy: How's your hooker doing?
House: Oh, sweet of you to ask, funny story, she was going to be a hospital administrator, but hated having to screw people like that.

House: In ten seconds, I'm going to announce that I gave her the wrong dosage.
Cuddy: You're going to admit negligence?
House: Unless you leave the room, you'll have to testify as a witness. [Cuddy crosses her arms] Five, four, three, two... So there I was in the clinic, drunk, I opened the drawer, closed my eyes, grabbed the first syringe I could find and.... [Cuddy leaves]

Cuddy: Good morning, Dr. House.
House: Good morning, Dr. Cuddy! Love that outfit. Says, I’m professional, but I’m still a woman. Actually, it sorta yells the second part.
Cuddy: Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle too.

Cuddy: How did you even remember him? We were only at that party for like 10 minutes"
House: What is this, a new health plan? Service the Dean of Medicine you get free health care for a year. Why are you smiling?
Cuddy: You remembered him *because* he made out with me.
House: ... I'm good with faces. So this plan, is it open to anyone? Is there a co-pay?
Cuddy: You're lousy with faces.
House: Don't make this about me, this is your humiliation. So how much for private room coverage?
Cuddy: Get over me.
House: Give me a break. You hired me-
Cuddy: -because you're a good doctor who couldn't get himself hired at a blood bank, so I got you cheap.
House: You gave me everything I asked for because one night I gave you everything you-.
Cuddy: Stop starring at my ass when you think I'm not looking, showing up at restaurants where I happen to be on a date, and fantasizing about me in the shower. That ship sailed long ago, House. Get over it.

House: Well, I don’t want to say anything bad about another doctor, especially a useless drunk.
Cuddy: You’re addicted to pain pills.
House: But I’m not useless.

House: I'm not doing it. (Leaves, then stops) You're supposed to stop me. Renegotiate.
Cuddy: Hmm, and you were supposed to keep on walking. Sorry, I guess we both screwed up. Go on, do it again.

House: Why is it always me ?
Cuddy: Because the world hates you.

Cuddy: Did you give cortical steroids to speed the baby's lung development?
House: No, I dropped an anvil on its chest to prevent lung development. I'm trying to extinguish the human race one fetus at a time

Cuddy: What are you doing?
House: Well, you’re trying to be me so I thought I’d try to be you.
Cuddy: You don’t have the cleavage for it.
House: But I have a much tighter ass.

Cuddy: You put him on Lupron?
House: Uh-huh.
Cuddy: And you told them it was like milk?
House: Yes.
Cuddy: Is there any way in which that is not a lie?
House: It's creamy.

Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.
House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.

House: Right rudder. Bank, bank, bank!
Cuddy: Good coffee? The rest of this hospital is busting its tail and you're...
[House's eyes get really wide, and he covers them with his folder]
Cuddy: What are you doing?
House: Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole Foods.
[Wilson smirks]
Cuddy: I am working. It got hot. Stop acting like a 13-year-old!
House: Sorry. You just don't normally see breasts like that on Deans of Medicine.
[Wilson tries to look anywhere except at Cuddy's chest]
Cuddy: Women can't be heads of hospitals? Or just ugly ones?
House: No, they can be babes. It's just you don't normally see their fun bags.

House: How are we doing on the cotton swabs today? If there's a critical shortage, I could run home.
Cuddy: No, you couldn't.
House: Nice.

Cuddy: Do you have anything to add to this debate?
House: Wilson's right, Foreman's wrong, your shirt is way too revealing for the office.

Cuddy: They're sleeping together?
House: If by sleeping together you mean having sex in the janitor's closet...
Cuddy: Here?
House: No, the janitor's closet at the local high school. Go Tigercats! Do you have one of those camera phones? 'Cause I got a mySpace account.
Cuddy: I will deal with them after I deal with you.
House: Oh c'mon... let's gossip some more. I'm sure she's into bondage.

Cuddy: You can't lift your arm.
House: You can't pee standing up.

Cuddy: Put down the syringe.
House: I can outdraw you, mysterious stranger.

Cuddy: Pay attention to me!
House: Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you.

House: I want my old carpet back.
Cuddy: It was stained with blood.
House: Yeah. My blood. Which makes the carpet part of me. I want it back. I want to be buried with it.
Cuddy: You think you can get me to do anything you want, regardless of how stupid it is?
House: It's my office! It's where I work, where I think, where I save lives, allowing you to brag to rich people so they'll give you more money to spend on MRI's and low-cut tops.

House: I thought you were only supposed to put on a pound a week during your last trimester.
Cuddy: I'm not pregnant.

House: Bad news... estrogen is too high.
Cuddy: No matter how many people you tell otherwise, I am, and always have been, a woman.

WILSON/CUDDY

Cuddy: Are we stopping here so House doesn't find us?
Wilson: Unless you wanna make out.

Cuddy: "So this is Hockney?"
Wilson: "No. I don’t know what happened."
Cuddy: "I’m sure you don’t. I never knew your tastes were so eclectic."
Wilson: "Oh, the Hockney exhibit finished on April 20th, I thought it was May 20th. Okay, my bad. This is not somewhere I’d bring someone on a date. Not that this is a date, obviously. I was just thinking… he’s doing landscapes on multiple canvases now, and they’re kind of peaceful, and you’re always busy, and…"
Cuddy: "Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you embarrassed before."


HOUSE/CAMERON

Cameron: "What happened to everybody lies?"
House: "I was lying."

Cameron: "A spot on an x-ray doesn't necessarily mean that she's terminal."
House: "I love children. So filled with hope."
Cameron: "[To House] Love is an emotion certain people experience, similar to happiness. No, maybe I should give a more relatable example."

House: "There's a bullet in his head."
Cameron: "He was shot?"
House: "No ... somebody threw it at him."

House: When did my signature get so girly?
Cameron: I can explain.
House: See that "G", see how it makes a big loop on top? It doesn’t even look like my handwriting. Think I have something? What’s the differential diagnosis for writing "G's" like a junior high school girl?

Cameron: What about sex?
House: Well, it might get complicated. We work together. I am older, certainly, but maybe you like that.
Cameron: I meant maybe he has neurosyphilis.
House: Heh, nice cover.

Cameron: Your birthday.
House: Oh. Anger was a bad guess. Well, normally I'd put on a festive hat and celebrate the fact that the earth has circled the sun one more time. I really didn't think it was gonna make it this year, but darnit, if it wasn't the Little Planet That Could all over again.
Cameron: It's a birthday. It's an excuse to be happy. You think that's lame?
House: Why are you here? To buy me a pony?

Cameron: Brandon's not ready for surgery.
House: OK, let's leave it a couple of weeks. He should be feeling better by then. Oh wait, which way does time go?

Cameron: You want me to tell a man whose wife is about to die that she may have cheated on him?
House: No, I want you to be polite and let her die.

HOUSE/CHASE

Chase: "How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?"
House: "I'd hate it. That's why I cleverly have no personal life. "

Chase: If she’s never kissed a boy, it’s a fair bet she’s never had sex.
House: Tell that to all the hookers that won’t kiss me on the mouth.

HOUSE/FOREMAN

Foreman: "Ten year olds do not have heart attacks. It's gotta be a mistake."
House: "Right. The simplest explanation is she's a forty-year-old lying about her age. Maybe an actress trying to hang on."

Foreman: "Aren't there better ways to spend our time?"
House: "Good question. What makes a person deserving? Is a man who cheats on his wife more deserving than a man who kills his wife?"
Foreman: "Uh yeah. Actually, he is."
House: "What about a child molester? Certainly not a good guy, but he didn't kill anybody. Maybe he can get antibiotics, but no MRIs. What about you? What medical care should you be denied for being a car thief? Tell you what: the three of you work out a list of what medical treatments a person loses based on the crime they committed. I'll review it when I get back."

Foreman: "Her oxygen saturation is normal."
House: "It's off by one percentage point."
Foreman: "It's within range. It's normal."
House: "If her DNA was off by one percentage point, she'd be a dolphin."

Foreman: "What do you expect me to do, House? Quit? Cry?"
House: "Actually, I expect you to act like what you are - my employee, my subordinate ... my bitch."

Foreman: "I had a date last night. She screamed too. You think we should spend a hundred thousand dollars testing her?"
House: "Of course not. This isn't a veterinary hospital. Zing!"

House: Thirty percent of all dads out there don't realize they're raising someone else's kid.
Foreman: From what I've read false paternity is more like ten percent.
House: That's what our moms would like us to believe.
Cameron: Who cares? If he got it from his parents they'd both be dead by now, can we get on with the differential diagnosis?
House: Fifty bucks says I'm right.
Foreman: I'll take your money.
House: Hit a nerve? Don't worry Foreman, I'm sure the guy who tucked you in at night was your daddy.
Foreman: Make that a hundred dollars.


HOUSE/STACY

House: "You met me at a strip club."
Stacy: "You were the worst two dollars I ever spent."

House: "How's your recovery going? Gotten around to the small muscles yet?"
Mark: "It's not the size of the muscle; it's where you get to put it"
Stacy: "My goodness, it's like watching Oscar Wilde and Noel Coward in the third grade."

Stacy: "At least this time I recognize it. That's the bitter bit of convincing the two men you ever loved they're better off without you."
House: "Yeah, it's all your fault. You know, Stacy in the original Greek means "relationship killer."

Stacy to Wilson about House: "He had that smug look on his face when he's that pleased about something, he's got to tell somebody and the only somebody he knows is you."


PATIENTS

Rebecca: "I just want to die with a little dignity."
House: "There's no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it. I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass. It's always ugly - always! We can live with dignity - we can't die with it."

A patient (asking Wilson about House): "Does he care about you?" 

Wilson: "I think so." 

The patient: "You don't know?" 

Wilson: "As Dr. House likes to say, 'Everybody lies.'" 

The patient: "It's not what people say, it's what they do." 

Wilson [after thinking for a moment][i]: "Yes, he cares about me."

Patient's Mother: How can you just sit there?
House: If I eat standing up, I spill.

Clinic Patient: [i][turning to leave]
I should go.
House: You think it's going to come out on its own? Are we talking bigger than a bread basket? Because, actually, it will come out on its own, which for small stuff is no problem - it's wrapped up in a nice soft package and plop. Big stuff - you're going to rip something, which, speaking medically, is when the fun stops.

Georgia: So I watched it. And it had this actor in it. This kid called Ashton Kutcher. Now, I think about Ashton all the time. All the time.
House: Aha.
Georgia: You remind me of him. Same bedroom eyes.
House: People are always mixing us up.

House: His liver is shutting down.
Father: What? What does that mean?
House: Means he's all better, he can go home.
Father: What?
House: What do you think it means? He can't live without a liver, he's dying.
Father: What is your problem?
House: Bum leg, what's yours?


MORE

Wilson: "House, this is God."
House: "Look, I'm a little busy right now. Not supposed to talk during these things. Got time Thursday?"
Wilson: "Let me check. Oh! I got a plague. What about Friday?"
House: "You'll have to check with Cameron."
Wilson: "Oh! Damn it! She always wants to know why bad things happen. Like I'm gonna come up with a new answer this time."
Cuddy: "House]..."
House: "Quick God, smite the evil witch!"
Cuddy: "Are you sitting on evidence that your patient was sexually abused by her father?"
House: "God, why have you forsaken me?"

Rodney Foreman: "My son says you're a manipulative bastard."
House: "It's just a pet name. I call him "Dr. Bling"."

Cameron: "You don't trust him?" 

Foreman: I don't trust a man who won't admit he might be wrong.

Foreman: "Yeah, I'm just like him. Except for the angry, bitter, pompous, cripple part." 

Cameron: "Maybe we should all pitch in and get you a nice cane. You've already got the matching gym shoes.

House: "You're trying to have sex with Cuddy."
Wilson: "Fries?"
House: "You took her to a play, you only take women to plays because—"
Wilson: "No, You only take women to plays for that reason. That's your theory."
House: "Ok, then why did you take her to a play?"
Wilson: "She's a friend."
House: "A friend with a squish mitten."
Wilson: "It is possible to have a friend of the opposite sex without—"
House: "Blasphemer! She's not a friend of the opposite sex she's a different species. She's an administrator. She's going to eat your head after she's done."
Wilson: "Yes, I slept with her."
House: "Seriously?"
Wilson: "No."
House: "Yes you did."
Wilson: "Yes I did."
House: "Seriously?"
Wilson: "No. You've got a problem House."

Wilson: "You were right."
House: "Of course I was, what are we talking about? They printed my letter."
Wilson: "Great. Cuddy."
House: "You want to see her naked."
Wilson: "No no no, she wants to see me naked. She sent me flowers."
House: "Just thanking you for the play. You see some people have an emotion called gratitude."
Wilson: "There's a card."
House: "I suspected, explains how you knew who they were from."
Wilson: "Lets do it again. Soon. X X. Lisa. X's are the kisses right?"
House: "No— I think they're the hugs. I think O's are the kisses."
Wilson: "No, no, X's are definitely the kisses. Soon is its own sentence...."
House: "They printed my letter. How was the play Mrs Lincoln?"
Cuddy: "What's up with Wilson?"
House: "He's just a little freaked."
Cuddy: "Why?"
House: "I sent him flowers."

Foreman: No neurologist in his right mind would recommend that.
House: Show of hands: who thinks I'm not in my right mind? (nobody moves) And who thinks I forget this very basic neurological fact? (nobody moves again) Who thinks there's a third option?
[Chase raises his hand]
House: Very good. What's the third choice?
Chase: No idea. You just asked if I thought there was one.

Foreman: He doesn't want you treating him!
House: They dropped the court order.
Wilson: Yeah, and that girl dropped the charges against Kobe. Doesn't mean that he should call her and see if she's free to get a sundae.

Student: You're reading a comic book.
House: And you're calling attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top.
[the student covers her chest with her clipboard]
House: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were having a state-the-obvious contest. I'm competitive by nature.

Cameron: Why would you need five thousand dollars?
Chase: Bad night at poker…or great night with a hooker?
House: Thank you for saving me the trouble of deflecting that personal question with a joke.
House<3