To save herself from the sudden, stormy rain outside, Serena decided to stop sejak a place that hold a lot of memories for her,
good memories and bad ones.
When she opened the fancy looking door and entered the bar that was decorated with buku and shelves like an old perpustakaan the overwhelming
stream of memories in her head wasn't to ignore anymore.
Walking inside a bit lebih she soon spotted the gorgeous bar with the classic background lighting she remembered so well and the
handsome bartender, who was probably the only guy with his job who didn't try to flirt with her atau even get her drunk that night.
Well that was only because she wasn't alone and he probably thought that she and Nate were a couple...
Oh. There is was. The thought she desperately tried to push away. Nate.
Just now she realized how painful and humiliating it must have been for him when she left him sitting there looking like a wet puppy
after he told her that he loved her all these years ago, only to leave with his cousin.
He told her that she was the 'most beautiful, amazing, alive person he's ever known' and that he even tried to tell her how he felt after
she came back. Why didn't she notice that? When they had sex after the Sheppard wedding, when he tried to tell her how he felt
on the yard of her hotel, when she was the only person he wanted to talk to when he found out his father was taking drugs,
when she played his fake-girlfriend to make another women jealous just to see him smile, when they messed around in the bathroom
on thanksgiving years ago, why didn't she see what he was feeling?
lebih important, why didn't she let herself feel this way for him when she knew she did?
Making out with uncountable other men, partying , all the drama with Dan, the trip to Paris, the tahun on boarding school,...
only to stop herself from thinking about him?
Serena needed to sit down immediately.
Strolling to the nearest chair she sat down on the bar, THAT bar, only to be greeted sejak the very same bartender she remembered from
that night.
''Something to drink, the lady?''
She looked up at him lazily and just ordered a martini, not really spending her choice of drinks that much attention.
Even with a cold koktel in her hand she still couldn't forget about the thing with Nate.
- why did she had to go to this stupid bar anyway?
There are like a thousand bars in Manhattan and she had to go to one of the two bars that would always bring
certain memories up?!- Nice one, Serena.
But it looked so warm and welcoming, familiar, that's why she came back to it.
Isn't it always like this? When anda really like a place, anda come back to it?
Like when anda truly Cinta a person anda come back to him/her someday.
But maybe this is where people are wrong! If anda keep coming back to one place it's going to be boring sooner atau later, right?
Well probably not if it's the right place to be... but it's Serena van der Woodsen, she lived in so many different places,
had so many different Friends and men but she still wasn't satisfied.
So maybe all the talk about truth, faith, destiny,... all this stuff is just a lie to make us people believe in something, anything
atau it's true and she was never really good enough.
She wasn't a good enough daughter to make her dad proud atau even make him stay, she wasn't good enough sister for Eric when
he needed her the most, she wasn't a good enough daughter to Lily atau a good enough step-sister to chuck when Bart died,
she wasn't a good enough girlfriend for carter to keep him here, cheating on Dan makes her a not good enough girlfriend for him as well,
she wasn't a good enough girlfriend for Ben atau she would've trusted him, she wasn't a good enough best friend for Blair when she let
her down all these times and she wasn't good enough for Nate, because she broke his heart.
Well at least she was good enough to drink all alone at an oh so familiar bar when all her Friends were happy without her.
''Another martini, please!''
''Miss, anda already had 3, don't anda think it's time to stop atau switch to something softer?'' asked the barkeeper in slight concern.
''Well.. no. I want another one.'' Switching to something soft, who was she?
After all she's Serena van der Woodsen, she can take some drinks.
''Do anda have a girlfriend?'' She didn't really realize herself saying this but well it's the alcohol talking.
''Uhm, no. Why are anda asking?'' The hunky bartender leaned a bit over the counter to see if she's serious.
''Did anda ever doubt anything anda did in the past? Wishing anda could take some things back'' She was serious, well as serious as anda can
be after having 3 and a half martini.
''I think if anda look back anda can't look ahead, the past is the past - anda can't change it, but anda can still change the future''
'' This is officially the most honest conversation I ever had with a bartender. The others were eigther dirty atau I was too drunk to remember''
It was true. nerveless the barkeeper was way to confused and yet too busy to continue leading deep conversations with one of the most
famous party girls of the UES.
After some lebih minit of talk he left to serve other people and there she was, alone again.
But maybe the guy was right, she spent the whole evening walking down the memory lane and feeling guilty, maybe she needed to look
ke hadapan once and for all.
She could still fix her relationship with Ben atau even be single for a while instead of messing with her head again.
But whatever she wanted to do next, to alih on she needed to leave this bar. now.
The sooner she was outta'here the sooner she would forget about what a bad person she has been sejak hurting the person who was
constantly there for her, the person she knew almost for her whole life.
It was over, she broke up with him and got together with his best friend ,whom she cheated on him weeks before.
She forgot about this honey-blonde boy so many times before she could do the same again.
She hung her scarf around her neck and waited for the bartender so she could pay and she'd be out here in no time.
''A-all all this time anda were still after him, not after m-me!
When anda s-slept w-with me anda w-w-were thinking of my best, of my best friend, weren't you-u`?
Huh? I've been there b-b-before I ... I don't want to be the thir.... the third person again.
Over. It's it's o-over.''
Serena listened to someone talking, screaming, well rather stammer to someone on the phone, watching all the 'happy people' enjoying
there selves while having an amazing evening with their Friends when someone's voice interrupted her thoughts.
''Hey looks like your ex had a drop too much, sweetie.'' It was the bartender, of course he thought Nate and her dated that night, she
knew he would've .... Shit!
Now that she recognized in fact who the man shouting at the phone was she needed only saat to find his handsome, familiar face
in the crowded room.
She handed the bartender some money for the cocktails and started walking towards her sightly drunk childhood friend.
''Nate, what the hell?!'' She yelled at him with one hand on his shoulder, to be sure that he would notice her.
''ge-eh-d off'off my shoulder'' it was barely understandable neighter was he really trying to get her hand off but it made her even more
concerned so she gracefully sat down on the empty bar najis seterusnya to him, watching his every move, while he was really just trying to get
the bir mat and his phone in a synchron position for what it looked like.
''Nate what are anda doing here? What's happened?'' She tried to look into his eyes but he was just observing his phone.
''Please just talk to m-'' ''Why should I t-talk to anda Serena? To - to let anda walk all over m-me? Sorry, Raina already di-did that
for you'' his voice was still unstable but serious to her. It made her sad even.
''Nate I just want to help you!'' The disappointment was undeniable in her soft voice and Nate finally looked up to her but in the moment
he did, she really wished he didn't - His eyes were a bit red around the lids and his pupils a bit dilated and hazy.
''You never, never helped me S-Serena, anda always brought me down..''
''What? Nate, I never intended to hurt you!''
''Nooooo anda of all people would neeeeeever eeeever hurt me, would anda Serena?''
Suddenly she was shocked sejak the cold and hard tone of his voice.
He couldn't be serious! She cared about him so much and she was always there for him when he was down, just because she made some
mistakes doesn't mean that she loved him any less! Nobody is perfect, especially not when anda live on the Upper-East side.
''Now you're really being unfair! Okay, I did some bad stuff but I was never not sejak your side when anda needed me!''
''YOU kissed my best friend while we were a couple and broke up with me because 'you wanted US to have a chance' only to get together
with Dan, now let's talk about being fair, huh?''
She couldn't believe what he was saying. She really broke up with him because she didn't wanna screw up their relationship AND friendship
because she didn't wanna loose him so that they might have a future.
She thought about it deeply and she tried to be honest and now he's twisting her words so that she's a Liar?
''I meant it! And we would've another chance, we will if the timing is right!'' She tried not to sound desperate, not to sound as if she was
waiting for this moment atau something. She just wanted him to believe her.
'The timing WAS right before anda broke up with me and the timing was right when I asked you, I b-begged anda to g-give me a saat
chance! Don't anda get it? there is no ''timing'' for love, it happens atau it doesn't and it stays...'' He didn't want to argue anymore,
he spend all these nights when she was in Paris thinking about it, drowning his thoughts with alcohol and prostitutes but he would never
deny that he has feelings for her. He didn't deny it 4 years lalu and he wouldn't deny it now.
''Nate....'' She was trying to calm him down, obviously.
''Nate, Nate, Nate. Don't b-bother Serena! it's always the same, we talk and when it get's too 'deep', too 'real' anda change the subject,
but not this, not this time! let's talk truth now..'' Now he was staring in her eyes, almost scaring her so there was no way she could
escape this topic with some nice words.
''I... I don't know what anda mean, anda know the truth, I... I-'' She wasn't going to do this. She never really spoke about what happened
before she left for boarding school and she didn't want to. It's over, the only time this came up was the moment she told Nate that
she loved him and would change this night to something better, something lebih honest if she could, and this was really all he had to
know, wasn't it?
''You left me the morning after I Lost my virginity to anda and we never talked about this again.'' It was lebih of accusation than a fact.
''You really wanna bring this up now?'' She lowered her voice her expression softened to convince him to drop this topic.
''Yes, Serena I want to because we NEVER talked about this before, anda may have put this all behind anda but I never got the jawapan I
needed to forget this night! To fo-forget getting hurt so much, anda fucking owe me!'' He was screaming and he didn't care. He wanted
to share all of the hurting he buried for so long with her, even if the whole bar witnesses it.
''Why didn't anda tell me anda were leaving? Why didn't anda told me what was going on, why didn't anda even say goodbye? WHY did
anda leave, Serena? Wh-''
''I can't do this, Nate'' She really couldn't, not without laying her hati, tengah-tengah open in front of him, not without crying and being weak. She wasn't
weak. She was Serena van der Woodsen and if Nate wants jawapan than he has to deal with that because she can't.
Serena grabbed her kot and was ready to get up when a steady hand grabbed around her right wrist.
After trying to loose herself she looked up into his wonderful blue eyes again.
''If anda leave now, I will never talk to anda again atau even spend a saat thinking of you.'' He know he couldn't keep this promise, well
threat, but it was all he could do, scaring her, giving her just the lightest taste of what he felt when she didn't talk to him, one year.
''If anda go then the thing between us, whatever it was is over, for good. Don't think anda can run away from me, anda can't, anda never
could.''
She knew he was serious.
So she needed to think about it, one step in the wrong direction, literally, and she would loose her best friend, and the only guy who never
judged her for who she is.
But if she stays she will be weak. He likes the strong, sexy, independent Serena and not the whiny, pathetic Serena.
(When in fact, he loved both.)
She would've to tell him the reason she left, the reason she couldn't face him for over one year.
The reason why she can't risk loosing him again.
But if she leaves, she would do exactly that-
''I can't, Nate.'' She still didn't face him, ready to stalk off any minute.
''You can't? I waited, a whole tahun to see anda again, 2 lebih years to finally tell anda how I feel and now anda 'can't' even tell me the truth?
can't even look me in the eye?'' He needed to see her face. If there's only a single sparkling tear in her beautiful blue eyes he would
still have hope..
Slowly turning around it was her to start yelling now ''I can't because it hurts, even the bartender says anda shouldn't hold on to the past
and I won't. I would change it if I could I would've stayed and we could have faced Blair together. We could have been together and just got
out of this devil town already, sailing like anda always dreamed of when anda were a little boy an-''
This was all he needed to hear - all he ever wanted to hear.
He pulled her down to him in no time and pressed his lips gently against hers.
Serena took his hand but was too confused to realize the whole situation as she continued to speak ''I didn't want to hurt Blair and I was
scared and-'' when she got pulled into his lap and Nate gave her another peck Ciuman - ''I never wanted to hurt anda and I'm so stupid''
Wiping the tears from her eyes with her other free hand she continued babbling - '' I made so much mistakes anda deserve better. A real
women to cook for anda and someone who knows how lucky she can be and-'' Nate finally succeeded shutting her up with giving her
another passionate, long kiss, taking her face in both of his hands.
Pressing his forehead to hers and out of breath he whispered with a soft voice ''I Cinta you, okay? Now would anda please shut up and let me
Ciuman you?'' Serena nodded, a bright smile all over her beautiful face, giving him another kiss.
After a while Nate took her hand again, wrapped her in her kot again and let her outside.
''By the way I enjoy eating poptards with you, I would never want anything else''
''Ha ha.'' With a bright smile she gave him a soft push into his right and laughed.
''We should go to bars lebih often.''
good memories and bad ones.
When she opened the fancy looking door and entered the bar that was decorated with buku and shelves like an old perpustakaan the overwhelming
stream of memories in her head wasn't to ignore anymore.
Walking inside a bit lebih she soon spotted the gorgeous bar with the classic background lighting she remembered so well and the
handsome bartender, who was probably the only guy with his job who didn't try to flirt with her atau even get her drunk that night.
Well that was only because she wasn't alone and he probably thought that she and Nate were a couple...
Oh. There is was. The thought she desperately tried to push away. Nate.
Just now she realized how painful and humiliating it must have been for him when she left him sitting there looking like a wet puppy
after he told her that he loved her all these years ago, only to leave with his cousin.
He told her that she was the 'most beautiful, amazing, alive person he's ever known' and that he even tried to tell her how he felt after
she came back. Why didn't she notice that? When they had sex after the Sheppard wedding, when he tried to tell her how he felt
on the yard of her hotel, when she was the only person he wanted to talk to when he found out his father was taking drugs,
when she played his fake-girlfriend to make another women jealous just to see him smile, when they messed around in the bathroom
on thanksgiving years ago, why didn't she see what he was feeling?
lebih important, why didn't she let herself feel this way for him when she knew she did?
Making out with uncountable other men, partying , all the drama with Dan, the trip to Paris, the tahun on boarding school,...
only to stop herself from thinking about him?
Serena needed to sit down immediately.
Strolling to the nearest chair she sat down on the bar, THAT bar, only to be greeted sejak the very same bartender she remembered from
that night.
''Something to drink, the lady?''
She looked up at him lazily and just ordered a martini, not really spending her choice of drinks that much attention.
Even with a cold koktel in her hand she still couldn't forget about the thing with Nate.
- why did she had to go to this stupid bar anyway?
There are like a thousand bars in Manhattan and she had to go to one of the two bars that would always bring
certain memories up?!- Nice one, Serena.
But it looked so warm and welcoming, familiar, that's why she came back to it.
Isn't it always like this? When anda really like a place, anda come back to it?
Like when anda truly Cinta a person anda come back to him/her someday.
But maybe this is where people are wrong! If anda keep coming back to one place it's going to be boring sooner atau later, right?
Well probably not if it's the right place to be... but it's Serena van der Woodsen, she lived in so many different places,
had so many different Friends and men but she still wasn't satisfied.
So maybe all the talk about truth, faith, destiny,... all this stuff is just a lie to make us people believe in something, anything
atau it's true and she was never really good enough.
She wasn't a good enough daughter to make her dad proud atau even make him stay, she wasn't good enough sister for Eric when
he needed her the most, she wasn't a good enough daughter to Lily atau a good enough step-sister to chuck when Bart died,
she wasn't a good enough girlfriend for carter to keep him here, cheating on Dan makes her a not good enough girlfriend for him as well,
she wasn't a good enough girlfriend for Ben atau she would've trusted him, she wasn't a good enough best friend for Blair when she let
her down all these times and she wasn't good enough for Nate, because she broke his heart.
Well at least she was good enough to drink all alone at an oh so familiar bar when all her Friends were happy without her.
''Another martini, please!''
''Miss, anda already had 3, don't anda think it's time to stop atau switch to something softer?'' asked the barkeeper in slight concern.
''Well.. no. I want another one.'' Switching to something soft, who was she?
After all she's Serena van der Woodsen, she can take some drinks.
''Do anda have a girlfriend?'' She didn't really realize herself saying this but well it's the alcohol talking.
''Uhm, no. Why are anda asking?'' The hunky bartender leaned a bit over the counter to see if she's serious.
''Did anda ever doubt anything anda did in the past? Wishing anda could take some things back'' She was serious, well as serious as anda can
be after having 3 and a half martini.
''I think if anda look back anda can't look ahead, the past is the past - anda can't change it, but anda can still change the future''
'' This is officially the most honest conversation I ever had with a bartender. The others were eigther dirty atau I was too drunk to remember''
It was true. nerveless the barkeeper was way to confused and yet too busy to continue leading deep conversations with one of the most
famous party girls of the UES.
After some lebih minit of talk he left to serve other people and there she was, alone again.
But maybe the guy was right, she spent the whole evening walking down the memory lane and feeling guilty, maybe she needed to look
ke hadapan once and for all.
She could still fix her relationship with Ben atau even be single for a while instead of messing with her head again.
But whatever she wanted to do next, to alih on she needed to leave this bar. now.
The sooner she was outta'here the sooner she would forget about what a bad person she has been sejak hurting the person who was
constantly there for her, the person she knew almost for her whole life.
It was over, she broke up with him and got together with his best friend ,whom she cheated on him weeks before.
She forgot about this honey-blonde boy so many times before she could do the same again.
She hung her scarf around her neck and waited for the bartender so she could pay and she'd be out here in no time.
''A-all all this time anda were still after him, not after m-me!
When anda s-slept w-with me anda w-w-were thinking of my best, of my best friend, weren't you-u`?
Huh? I've been there b-b-before I ... I don't want to be the thir.... the third person again.
Over. It's it's o-over.''
Serena listened to someone talking, screaming, well rather stammer to someone on the phone, watching all the 'happy people' enjoying
there selves while having an amazing evening with their Friends when someone's voice interrupted her thoughts.
''Hey looks like your ex had a drop too much, sweetie.'' It was the bartender, of course he thought Nate and her dated that night, she
knew he would've .... Shit!
Now that she recognized in fact who the man shouting at the phone was she needed only saat to find his handsome, familiar face
in the crowded room.
She handed the bartender some money for the cocktails and started walking towards her sightly drunk childhood friend.
''Nate, what the hell?!'' She yelled at him with one hand on his shoulder, to be sure that he would notice her.
''ge-eh-d off'off my shoulder'' it was barely understandable neighter was he really trying to get her hand off but it made her even more
concerned so she gracefully sat down on the empty bar najis seterusnya to him, watching his every move, while he was really just trying to get
the bir mat and his phone in a synchron position for what it looked like.
''Nate what are anda doing here? What's happened?'' She tried to look into his eyes but he was just observing his phone.
''Please just talk to m-'' ''Why should I t-talk to anda Serena? To - to let anda walk all over m-me? Sorry, Raina already di-did that
for you'' his voice was still unstable but serious to her. It made her sad even.
''Nate I just want to help you!'' The disappointment was undeniable in her soft voice and Nate finally looked up to her but in the moment
he did, she really wished he didn't - His eyes were a bit red around the lids and his pupils a bit dilated and hazy.
''You never, never helped me S-Serena, anda always brought me down..''
''What? Nate, I never intended to hurt you!''
''Nooooo anda of all people would neeeeeever eeeever hurt me, would anda Serena?''
Suddenly she was shocked sejak the cold and hard tone of his voice.
He couldn't be serious! She cared about him so much and she was always there for him when he was down, just because she made some
mistakes doesn't mean that she loved him any less! Nobody is perfect, especially not when anda live on the Upper-East side.
''Now you're really being unfair! Okay, I did some bad stuff but I was never not sejak your side when anda needed me!''
''YOU kissed my best friend while we were a couple and broke up with me because 'you wanted US to have a chance' only to get together
with Dan, now let's talk about being fair, huh?''
She couldn't believe what he was saying. She really broke up with him because she didn't wanna screw up their relationship AND friendship
because she didn't wanna loose him so that they might have a future.
She thought about it deeply and she tried to be honest and now he's twisting her words so that she's a Liar?
''I meant it! And we would've another chance, we will if the timing is right!'' She tried not to sound desperate, not to sound as if she was
waiting for this moment atau something. She just wanted him to believe her.
'The timing WAS right before anda broke up with me and the timing was right when I asked you, I b-begged anda to g-give me a saat
chance! Don't anda get it? there is no ''timing'' for love, it happens atau it doesn't and it stays...'' He didn't want to argue anymore,
he spend all these nights when she was in Paris thinking about it, drowning his thoughts with alcohol and prostitutes but he would never
deny that he has feelings for her. He didn't deny it 4 years lalu and he wouldn't deny it now.
''Nate....'' She was trying to calm him down, obviously.
''Nate, Nate, Nate. Don't b-bother Serena! it's always the same, we talk and when it get's too 'deep', too 'real' anda change the subject,
but not this, not this time! let's talk truth now..'' Now he was staring in her eyes, almost scaring her so there was no way she could
escape this topic with some nice words.
''I... I don't know what anda mean, anda know the truth, I... I-'' She wasn't going to do this. She never really spoke about what happened
before she left for boarding school and she didn't want to. It's over, the only time this came up was the moment she told Nate that
she loved him and would change this night to something better, something lebih honest if she could, and this was really all he had to
know, wasn't it?
''You left me the morning after I Lost my virginity to anda and we never talked about this again.'' It was lebih of accusation than a fact.
''You really wanna bring this up now?'' She lowered her voice her expression softened to convince him to drop this topic.
''Yes, Serena I want to because we NEVER talked about this before, anda may have put this all behind anda but I never got the jawapan I
needed to forget this night! To fo-forget getting hurt so much, anda fucking owe me!'' He was screaming and he didn't care. He wanted
to share all of the hurting he buried for so long with her, even if the whole bar witnesses it.
''Why didn't anda tell me anda were leaving? Why didn't anda told me what was going on, why didn't anda even say goodbye? WHY did
anda leave, Serena? Wh-''
''I can't do this, Nate'' She really couldn't, not without laying her hati, tengah-tengah open in front of him, not without crying and being weak. She wasn't
weak. She was Serena van der Woodsen and if Nate wants jawapan than he has to deal with that because she can't.
Serena grabbed her kot and was ready to get up when a steady hand grabbed around her right wrist.
After trying to loose herself she looked up into his wonderful blue eyes again.
''If anda leave now, I will never talk to anda again atau even spend a saat thinking of you.'' He know he couldn't keep this promise, well
threat, but it was all he could do, scaring her, giving her just the lightest taste of what he felt when she didn't talk to him, one year.
''If anda go then the thing between us, whatever it was is over, for good. Don't think anda can run away from me, anda can't, anda never
could.''
She knew he was serious.
So she needed to think about it, one step in the wrong direction, literally, and she would loose her best friend, and the only guy who never
judged her for who she is.
But if she stays she will be weak. He likes the strong, sexy, independent Serena and not the whiny, pathetic Serena.
(When in fact, he loved both.)
She would've to tell him the reason she left, the reason she couldn't face him for over one year.
The reason why she can't risk loosing him again.
But if she leaves, she would do exactly that-
''I can't, Nate.'' She still didn't face him, ready to stalk off any minute.
''You can't? I waited, a whole tahun to see anda again, 2 lebih years to finally tell anda how I feel and now anda 'can't' even tell me the truth?
can't even look me in the eye?'' He needed to see her face. If there's only a single sparkling tear in her beautiful blue eyes he would
still have hope..
Slowly turning around it was her to start yelling now ''I can't because it hurts, even the bartender says anda shouldn't hold on to the past
and I won't. I would change it if I could I would've stayed and we could have faced Blair together. We could have been together and just got
out of this devil town already, sailing like anda always dreamed of when anda were a little boy an-''
This was all he needed to hear - all he ever wanted to hear.
He pulled her down to him in no time and pressed his lips gently against hers.
Serena took his hand but was too confused to realize the whole situation as she continued to speak ''I didn't want to hurt Blair and I was
scared and-'' when she got pulled into his lap and Nate gave her another peck Ciuman - ''I never wanted to hurt anda and I'm so stupid''
Wiping the tears from her eyes with her other free hand she continued babbling - '' I made so much mistakes anda deserve better. A real
women to cook for anda and someone who knows how lucky she can be and-'' Nate finally succeeded shutting her up with giving her
another passionate, long kiss, taking her face in both of his hands.
Pressing his forehead to hers and out of breath he whispered with a soft voice ''I Cinta you, okay? Now would anda please shut up and let me
Ciuman you?'' Serena nodded, a bright smile all over her beautiful face, giving him another kiss.
After a while Nate took her hand again, wrapped her in her kot again and let her outside.
''By the way I enjoy eating poptards with you, I would never want anything else''
''Ha ha.'' With a bright smile she gave him a soft push into his right and laughed.
''We should go to bars lebih often.''
