Alan: I hope it works out with your granddaughters.
Berta: They're 15 years old and pregnant. What should they look forward to - the next season of "Teen Mom?"


Alan: Hey, I'm just looking out for you.
Charlie: Do me a favor; a little less looking out and a little more moving out.


Alan: You're going to lose quite a bit of money by pulling out early.
Berta: Yeah well if Jimmy Lee did the same, I wouldn't need the money.


Alan: I was singing.
Jake: You weren't singing.
Alan: Who are you, Simon Cowell?


Alan: How's the pediatrician game?
Herb: Like taking money from babies.


Charlie: Berta, are you seeing this? Am I dreaming?
Berta: Do you have the Kardashian sisters under the table?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Then you're not dreaming.


Alan: What happens if her husband catches you?
Charlie: Then he shoots me and you can have my house and car.
Alan: Go to her, Charlie. She's waiting!


Rose: He doesn't even know you exist and I plan on keeping it that way.
Charlie: How is that possible? What about the tattoo?
Rose: I had glasses added to it and told him it was Harry Potter.


Charlie: Berta?
Berta: No. It's Liz Hurley, but I'm holding water.


Alan: (to Charlie about Evelyn dating Bill, who used to be a woman) One of us has to tell her.
Berta: Charlie?
Charlie: Yeah?
Berta: I'll clean your house free for an entire month if you let me do it!


Berta: I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother. Who's the girl?
Charlie: I don't know. He met her at the supermarket. Helped her pick out corn.
Berta: Corn? Well, I'm not in any position to judge. I once did a guy for a tank of gas.


Charlie: Hey, Berta, where do we keep the spaghetti strainer thingy?
Berta: It's called a colander. What do you need it for?
Charlie: It's not for me. It's for Chelsea.
Berta: OK, what kind of Martha Stewart freak show you got going on up there?


Charlie: I'm still sleeping here, could you come back in a little while?
Berta: I could, or you could get your pampered ass out of bed and let me do my demeaning job and get on with my hellish life.


Berta: Last chance to see those tattoos!
Alan: No, thanks.
Berta: I can make the road runner do jumping jacks!


Berta: He's gotta go, Charlie.
Charlie: What am I gonna do, Berta? He's my brother.
Berta: We could make it look like an accident.


Berta: You know your problem? Phone cojones! When you're on the phone with her, you've got boulders between your legs. The minute you hang up, you're as smooth as a Ken doll.


Evelyn: Children are God's little way of punishing us for having sex.


Evelyn: (To Alan) You were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom.


Evelyn: They say that he killed a famous writer just to prove a point.
Charlie: Ooohh. And what was the point?
Evelyn: ...I can kill a writer.


Charlie: Mommy, I don't feel good.
Evelyn: Oh, Charles, don't tell me you've got another case of the Bangkok drippy-drip.


Evelyn: Attaboy!
Charlie: Do you feel better?
Alan: No, I don't feel better.
Evelyn: Did I say it wrong?


Evelyn: Charlie, that was crude and uncalled for.
Charlie: Thank you.
Evelyn: You're welcome.


Alan: So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?
Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this!


Charlie: I need to show Lisa that I'm a family man.
Alan: But you're not.
Charlie: That's not the point. She's about to go off and marry some jerk, just because he loves her and wants to settle down.
Alan: Oh, I see. You're Satan.


Charlie: Great, why don't I just shoot myself?
Alan: Can't afford a gun.


Charlie: Rose, this really isn't the best time. Alan is pretty sick.
Rose: Oh, no. Poor Alan, is Charlie taking good care of you?
Alan: Not really.
Rose: Would you like me to take care of you?
Alan: Not really.


Alan: (to Charlie) What can I say, marriage is a great ride... till you puke.


Alan: You sure you don't wanna come back to my office and hump my fax machine?
Charlie: You still have a fax machine?


Charlie: Alan.
Alan: Yeah?
Charlie: I can see you.
Alan: And I can see you, too.
Charlie: No, I mean, Berta never cleaned while I was in the room. She was like, invisible.
Alan: I'm sorry. I'll try to be more transparent.


Charlie: Berta's in my bed.
Alan: Really? Couldn't you just pay her in cash this week?


Herb: Judith calls mine "that thing."
Alan: As in, "Get that thing away from me?"
Herb: Yeah. How'd you know?
Alan: Just a guess.


Alan: Wonderful building(!).
Charlie: What's wrong with it?
Alan: Well, the phrase "reeks of urine" comes to mind.