1.George was a bad loser. When he was cleaned out in a poker game for
very high stakes, he slapped his hand on the table and got up to
leave. As he walked past, he couldn't resist insulting Max McTavish,
the bald man who had cleaned him out.
As George walked past, he ran a hand over Max's bald head and said
sarcastically, "Your head feels just like my wife's arse."
Max put a hand to his head and said, "By crikey, mate. You're right.
It does!"

2.8 things you'll never hear a man say:
8) Here honey, you use the remote.
7) You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too
big.
6) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
5) While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4) Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3) Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
2) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1) We never talk anymore.
8 things you'll never hear a woman say :
8) What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6) Ohh, this diamond is way to big!
5) Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being
'just friends'
4) Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3) Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure
out how to get there.
2) I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a
designer dress.
1) Hey, pull my finger!

3.One day, many years after the Clinton scandal, Hillary is struck by a
car and killed. Soon, Hillary finds herself at the gates of Heaven.
She sees St. Peter and asks "Can I get into heaven now?"
He says "Soon, I have some things to take care of."
So St. Peter leaves and Hillary looks at the scenery and sees millions
of clocks lying around. Every once in a while, a clock or so would
turn ahead 15 minutes. Hillary wondered why. Soon, St. Peter came back
and Hillary asked "St. Peter, What are all these clocks for?"
St Peter replies "Each clock represents a man. Every time a man
commits adultry, the clock turns ahead 15 minutes.
Hillary asks "Where's my husbands clock?" St. Peter replies "Oh, it's
in God's office, he uses it for a fan."

4.Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the UPS man comments. Bob, in obvious pain, replies “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I?”

5.Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few beers they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers (Art and Gary) and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says "you know, I think my girl was dead!"
"Dead? says his friend, "why would you say that?"
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the whole time I was loving her!"
His friend says "I think mine was a witch!"
"A witch?" says the first" "why the hell would say that?"
"Well " the first man replies "I was making love to her, kissing her neck and when I gave her a little bite on the neck, she farted and flew out the window!"