Chapter 16,
January 2, 2009,
I was lying in my katil with Carter in his tempat tidur bayi, katil bayi on the other side of my large bedroom. Dad came in and berkata as he walked over to pick up Carter because he was crying "AJ; anda need to get up." I put a bantal over my head and rolled over. He berkata "you need to get up!" I complained "Carter kept me up all night long every jam and a half! I'm tired; can it be your turn?" He berkata "no, no, no, that's not how it works! I told anda that if anda wanted to raise Carter as your child then it's your responsibility to take care of him; not mine! I understand that you're tired but; so am I. I have 12 jam work days at rehearsals for the new tour!"
I moaned "I Cinta my katil and I'm not moving!" Dad grabbed my foot that was sticking out from underneath the covers and gently pulled me out of bed. I got up and berkata with an irritated tone in my voice "all I'm asking for is one half-hour sleep!" Dad berkata "yeah well; that's tough for anda because you're not going to get it. I've got to go to rehearsals. Oh and sejak the way, Grace and I got into an argument last night so; I don't know if she will be coming back. That means you're going to have to watch Carter, Blanket, Prince, and Paris until I get home. Don't worry; I cut my hari short so I should be utama at about 4 o'clock and I will bring utama something to eat." I berkata "you've got to be kidding me dad! I don't want to watch all of them! I already have my hands full with Carter as it is!" Dad berkata "I don't want to hear it AJ. You're watching them and that's that! I'm not doing it on purpose; I don't really have another choice! I berkata sarcastically "I don't know; maybe anda could stay home!" He berkata "I can't afford to miss too many days AJ. anda make it seem like it's going to be too much for anda to handle. Prince is 11 and Paris is 10 so; it's not like anda have to entertain them. As for Blanket, anda can set him up with TV shows!" I berkata "fine, but only because anda have no other choice!" He hugged me and berkata "thank you; I appreciate it, just don't burn the house down!"
January 7, 2009,
I was making Carter a bottle while dad put dishes in the dishwasher. He looked over and berkata "make sure anda measure that out correctly AJ.” I looked at him with an irritated expression on my face and berkata "I know dad! I'm not stupid!" Dad berkata "I was just making sure; there's no reason for the attitude." I berkata "whatever!" I stormed out of the room and sat on the couch.
As I was about to burp Carter, dad came in and sat down seterusnya to me. He berkata "don't be afraid to be a little bit forceful just as long as you're not too rough!" I looked over at him as I rolled my eyes and berkata "I know dad!" He berkata "I'm just trying to be helpful; that's all." I berkata "well; you're not being very helpful and you're actually starting to piss me off!" He asked "was that language really necessary Alanna?" I replied "um yeah actually it was because anda won't have any faith in me when it comes to taking care of Carter!" He berkata "I do trust you; it's not easy for me to trust anda but, I do." I asked "why would it be hard for anda trust me?" Dad berkata "seriously; I can't believe you're asking me that! Every other thing anda tell me is a lie and anda walk around here like anda don't care about what I have to say!" I berkata "okay; go ahead and play the victim again because that way anda know you'll win!"
I brought Carter upstairs to finish feeding him because the tension between dad and I was filling the air. A few minit later, dad came upstairs and walked into my room. He sat down on my katil and berkata "you have to understand that the fact that you’re a mother hasn't fully sunk in yet and you're not even 15 yet! anda still have a lot to learn!” I berkata "I came up here for a reason; I need to be away from anda right now!" He berkata "I Cinta anda AJ!" I whispered "I Cinta anda too" and he berkata "I Cinta anda more!"
March 19, 2009,
I got my drivers permit a couple of days lalu and have been badgering dad to take me out for my first test drive. The two of us were standing in the dapur and I begged "come on dad! Please take me out and teach me how to drive! Now is the perfect time because Grace is back and she can watch the kids while we're gone!" He grabbed his car keys and berkata "I'm not looking ke hadapan to this! Let's get this over with!" I berkata "thank you, thank you, thank you!" He berkata "Grace we'll be back in about an hour." Prince asked "is AJ going to learn how to drive daddy? Can I come?" Paris berkata "if Prince is going then I want to go too!" Grace berkata "neither of anda can go because anda are too young to be in the car with someone with a learners permit!" Prince and Paris looked at her in disappointment as the two of us got ready to leave. Grace berkata "good luck anda guys! I can't wait to hear all about it when anda get back." Dad berkata "thanks; I think we're going to need it!"
We went out to the car and I was ready to open up the driver’s side door when dad berkata "you're not driving just yet; hold your horses!" I asked disappointed "why?" He berkata as we got into our seats "because I'm not taking anda out on the road until anda know what you're doing! I'm taking anda to an empty parking lot! We can use the Staples Center parking lot because it's closed today.
Once we arrived at the Staples Center parking lot, he parked the car and we switch seats with each other. I could tell that he was already nervous and I hadn't even started the car yet. After I buckled my seatbelt, I turned the key in the ignition and the motor started. I was overly eager and dad berkata “wait, let me tunjuk anda what's what here! This is your gas pedal, this is the break! I suggest that anda don't tend to get them mixed up." I honked the horn and he berkata "are anda listening to me? This is important! anda need to understand this atau else I'm not going to let anda drive! Now tunjuk me which ones the gas and which one is the break." I showed him and he tried to stall for as long as possible because he was really freaked out.
After 15 minutes, I finally berkata "come on dad; I don't want to just sit here all hari with the car running and stay in the same exact spot!" Dad berkata as he let out a deep sigh "alright; but go slow!" I lightly pressed my foot down on the gas pedal and we started moving forward. I berkata under my breath "oh my God; I can't believe I'm actually driving your car!" We slowly crept up on a giant cement yellow pole and dad berkata "turn, turn, turn, turn AJ! Oh my God please turn AJ!" He squinted his eyes bracing for impact and I turned easily without any problems. I looked over at him and asked "what are anda so scared of dad? I'm doing fine and you're stressing over nothing!" He berkata "this isn't nothing AJ! I don't want anda to get hurt!" I laughed as I looked around and asked "how the heck do anda expect me to get hurt in a giant empty parking lot with no other cars and not to mention that that pole was the only thing I could have possibly hit! I can understand why you'd be like this if we were on the road with a bunch of other cars but; come on!"
He opened his eyes and asked "did anda crash?" I asked "does it look like I crashed dad?" He looked around to see that the both of us were perfectly fine and took a deep breath. I asked "can I go a little bit faster than a turtle?" He berkata "fine; I can't hold anda back forever!" I cranked up to speed a little bit faster and dad berkata after about 20 minit of driving "okay; I think that's enough driving for anda today! I'll take anda out every couple of days for about an jam until I feel you're ready to drive on the road. I know I gave anda a hard time but; it's only because I'm worried! anda did pretty well for someone who's never driven before!"
March 23, 2009,
There was a knock at the front door of our Los Angeles rental house and I answered it with Carter in my arms. A gorgeous, tall, African-American woman was standing on the other side and I asked "can I help you?" She berkata "hi; my name is Kyi Chase and your father hired me as the new chef here." I berkata "oh yeah; I forgot that today was your first day! Come on in and I'll go get my dad for you!"
While I went to go find dad, Kyi found her way to the dapur and sat down on a barstool. Soon after, dad, Prince, Paris, Blanket, and I walked in and Kyi berkata "it's nice to finally meet anda Michael!" We each introduced ourselves and she asked "when did anda have another baby Michael?" I berkata "oh no; he is not his! This is Carter and he is my son. Just don't say anything to anyone else because we want to keep me being a teenage mother a secret for as long as possible!" She shook her head in agreement and berkata "I completely understand! I won't say anything!"
Dad berkata as he sat down seterusnya to Kyi "during the week the children and I eat very healthy but; on Saturdays all of us eat anything and everything we want to!" She berkata "that sounds good to me! I have a lot of healthy Makanan meal plans!" Their conversation was interrupted sejak a gurgling sound and she berkata "well; anda kids must be really hungry!" I looked down at Carter and berkata "that wasn't us! Seriously Carter; I can't believe I have to change anda again!" I went upstairs while the rest of them talked about what Makanan they would like to have made for them.
March 27, 2009,
We were all setting the meja, jadual when Kyi brought out a giant bowl of chicken Alfredo. As I was filling my plate, I looked over and saw dad's eyes quickly scan Kyi's amazing figure. I looked at him with a mischievous look on my face and asked "were anda checking her out dad?" He looked down and started blushing. I started laughing and berkata "you didn't think I was going to catch on to that!" He berkata "I forget that anda had a boyfriend sometimes and anda pick up on that kind of stuff."
April 6, 2009,
I was up in my room when I heard dad's shoes squeaking on the floor. He came in and without saying anything dropped a piece of paper down in front of me. I knew exactly what it was and he asked "did anda think I wasn't going to find out that anda haven't been doing your schoolwork since the baby was born?" I berkata "you know it's not easy for me to juggle being a mom at 15 and doing my schoolwork!" He berkata "that doesn't mean that anda don't have to do any of your work; that's no excuse!" I berkata "I'm actually thinking of dropping out soon!" He berkata "no you're not! Not on my watch!" I asked "do anda know how hard it is to be me? No anda don't; so anda don't have a lot of room to talk dad!" He berkata "yes I do because I'm your dad and I have the right to tell anda that you're staying in school!" I berkata under my breath as he walked away "we'll see about that." He berkata "you have less than four years the; just get it over with!"
April 11, 2009,
I was sitting with Carter on the sofa, kerusi panjang seterusnya to dad when the doorbell rang. Dad got up to answer it and I heard him say "it's nice that anda guys came all the way down here to see AJ but; she can't hang out with anda because she's taking care of Carter." I began to get curious and went to go see who was at the door. I couldn't believe it! Sketch, Brandon, and Colton were standing at the front steps. Before dad could stop me, I grabbed my jaket and dashed out the door after passing Carter to him. I hopped in the car that the guys had rented. As we sped out of the driveway, I heard dad yell "Alanna anda better get back here!"
Once we were far enough away, I looked at them and asked "what are anda guys doing here?" Colton berkata "Kate gave us money to come down here and get anda out of the house for a while because you've been in there with the baby for a long time! anda do realize that you're probably not going to hear the end of it from your dad when anda get back; right?" I berkata "I'm used to it; I don't care! If he's not complaining about one thing about me it'll be something else! What did anda have in mind for tonight?" Sketch showed me what appeared to be an amazingly realistic fake ID and asked "how does drinking your first few beers sound to you?” I knew it wasn't the right thing to do but; anda know how I am so I berkata "sounds good to me!"
After we had gotten the alcohol with the fake ID, we went to the park and sat down in the grass! I popped the lid off of my bir bottle and took my first sip. I definitely didn't like the taste but; Brandon berkata "trust me; it will be worth it!" I berkata "it better be!"
When I had finished my third drink I was definitely feeling what they were talking about and the guys were laughing at how I was acting! We started doing some really stupid things that I can't really remember because I was so drunk. We each ended up drinking an eight pack of our own. Luckily, one of the guys was able to drive me utama without getting into an accident and dad had gone to katil sejak the time I stumbled up the stairs to my room.
April 12, 2009,
When I woke up this morning I had the worst headache ever! I didn't remember anything from last night but; I did catch a glimpse of a few half full bir bottles in my room. I don't know why; but I didn't try to hide them! I was still kind of out of it and I fell back asleep.
Five minit later, dad walked in my room and tapped my shoulder. I moaned "what?" He berkata "it's time to get up!" I sat up and rubbed my eyes. That's when he noticed the bir bottles in my room. His eyes widened and he asked with a whispered tone "did anda drink last night?" I berkata "yup!" He berkata as he sat down seterusnya to me on my katil "you say that like it's no big deal AJ! You're 15 years old and anda shouldn't be drinking!!" I berkata "whatever dad." He berkata raising his voice a little bit "no it's not whatever Alanna! sejak the way, I know that anda just got utama an jam lalu because I heard the front door shut! anda look absolutely ridiculous right now!!!"
His voice cracked as he started to cry and he berkata "LOOK AT YOURSELF! Your hair is sticking up all over the place! You've got rumput stains all over your clothes! anda smell like a brewery! Let alone the fact THAT YOU'RE DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS!" I mumbled slurring my words "I'm not that drunk!" Tears flowed from his eyes and he asked "WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU? WHERE IS MY LITTLE TOMBOY? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO anda ARE ANYMORE!" I fell over in a drunken stupor and he just started bawling his eyes out as he fell to his knees. He crawled seterusnya to me and dragged me onto his lap.
I had fallen fast asleep and he just kept crying and rocking me back and forth as if I was a newborn baby. He cried uncontrollably as he berkata "it's okay; it's okay! Daddy's going to protect anda from the dark side of the world! I didn't want this for you! anda deserve so much better! I need to save anda from yourself!"
Grace came into the room to see what all the commotion was and asked as she knelt down seterusnya to him "what's wrong Michael?" He berkata "Alanna came utama about an jam lalu and she is drunk! Grace I don't know what to do! That's the worst thing she's ever done! I didn't think she would do something that stupid! Now that she knows what it feels like; I'm afraid that she won't stop! anda know how she is! She does what she wants when she wants to! What's she going to do when she's out in the world without me to protect her?" Grace didn't have anything to say because she was just as terrified as he is. He berkata as he looked at her with his eyes bloodshot from crying so hard and berkata "that scares the hell out of me! I don't know what I'm going to do with her! I've tried and tried to tunjuk her the right things in life… She just doesn't listen! SHE'S TEARING ME APART! I'm trying so hard but; what lebih can I do?"
At this point, Grace had started crying and dad berkata "I have to put her on the right track before it's too late! She's drinking, a teenage mother, swears like a sailor, and sneaks out of the house. What's next; jail? I have to say that it wouldn't surprise me!" What she doesn't realize is that the real world isn't like it is this me!" Grace asked "what are we going to do? I can't stop her if she decides she's going to just up and leave!!!" He berkata as he picked me up and put me in katil "I guess I have no choice but to bring her with me when I go to rehearsals." He kissed my forehead moving my blonde hair out of the way and berkata "I want anda to be everything that anda can be! I hate the person you're becoming and I'll do everything in my power to stop that!" He then lay down seterusnya to me in my katil and fell asleep.
June 24, 2009,
Dad and I were leaving the Staples center after his rehearsals ended at 9 o'clock. sejak now, dad had started letting me learn how to drive on the road so; I got into the drivers kerusi, tempat duduk while she sat in the passenger's seat. Before we had even gotten onto the road he was already being critical of my driving. He berkata "watch out for that car AJ!" I berkata as I put the blinker on "I can see dad! I was already way ahead of you!" He berkata after the stop light turned green "don't keep your foot so heavy on the gas pedal AJ; the speed here is 35! How fast are anda going?" I berkata with an annoyed tone in my voice "34 dad! Will anda please chill out?" He berkata "I can't because I don't trust you!" I rolled my eyes and berkata "oh there anda go again with the whole 'I don't trust you’ thing!" He berkata "pay attention to what you're doing! anda just ran that stop sign!" I berkata arrogantly "um… No I didn't!" He berkata "don't tell me anda didn't because I just saw anda with my own two eyes! anda know what; pull the car over on the side of the road! I asked "what; why?"
I pulled the car over and he berkata "get in the back seat; you're done!" I snarled my upper lip with rage as I climbed into the back kerusi, tempat duduk and he into the drivers. He berkata as he looked at me in the rearview mirror "you need to quit it with the attitude! What's the deal AJ?" I berkata "you're being way too strict with me and I can't take it much longer!" He berkata "I wish I didn't have to be so strict anda but; anda don't listen to me at all anymore!" I berkata "you are over exaggerating!" He asked "oh really? When was the last time anda made your bed?" I of course didn't answer him because then I would have to own up to it.
He started crying and I berkata frustrated "oh my God; I can't believe you're crying again! If anda think that going to make me feel bad you're wasting your time!" He shook his head in disbelief and berkata "I didn't raise anda like this! I want anda to be like anda used to be! When anda were somewhat well behaved; instead of absolutely out-of-control!" I shouted "YOU NEED TO GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL THAT I'M NOT THAT LITTLE FOUR-YEAR-OLD ANYMORE! I DON'T NEED anda ANYMORE!"
We pulled into the driveway and he berkata "go upstairs to your room! You're on punishment until further notice!" I slammed the car door and stormed inside. Grace berkata "hi anda two; how was your day?" I berkata as I raced up the stairs with dad following me "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" He looked at Grace and berkata "that right there is how our hari was!" He took Carter from her and berkata "I guess I'll be watching him tonight again!"
After he had gotten the baby asleep, he stood in his bedroom doorway and I stood in mine. He calmly asked with tears in his eyes "are anda going to apologize?" I berkata "no" and slammed my door. Grace had seen everything that just happened and looked at my dad in shock as tears streamed down his face. She ran over to hug him and he asked "why does she do this to me? If only she knew how much it really hurts to have her say that stuff to me! She knows that much I Cinta her and she uses that to her advantage!" Grace pulled away from the hug and berkata "hang on; I'll be back Michael!"
The seterusnya thing I knew, she swung my bedroom door wide open and slammed it shut after she walked in. I sat there texting on my phone completely unfazed sejak the commotion going on directly outside my bedroom door. She walked up to me and ripped the phone out of my hands! I berkata "what the hell Grace!!!" She asked "ALANNA MICHAEL JACKSON DO anda SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO YOUR FATHER? YOU'RE DESTROYING HIM! DO anda HEAR HIM CRYING OUT THERE? HE'S LEANING UP AGAINST THE dinding SITTING DOWN AND CRYING TO THE POINT WHERE HE IS SHAKING UNCONTROLLABLY!"
She grabbed me sejak the arm and pressed my ear up against the door. My dad berkata while sobbing "I Cinta HER SO MUCH! SHE CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER! MY BABY; WHERE DID I GO WRONG? I WISH anda WOULD TELL ME SO I COULD FIX IT!!!" Grace looked at me and berkata "see; he thinks he's failing anda as a father! anda can't do that to him AJ! Do anda know what he's done for you?" Sit down; I want to tunjuk anda a video!" She pulled out a video tape from my cluttered closet and pressed play as she put it in the VCR:
Dated at the bottom of the screen: August 21, 1996
Grace and I sitting at the meja, jadual eating makan malam, majlis makan malam when I was two years old. The door opens and Grace asked "who is that AJ?" Dad snuck up behind me and covered my eyes with his hands. Then he lifted them to reveal his face staring at me. I berkata "MY DADDY IS HOME!" He picked me up and berkata "I missed you!" Grace asked "why don't anda tunjuk daddy what we threw away?" Dad walked up to the trashcan with me in his arms and pressed the lever that lifted the trashcan lid with his foot. He gasped and berkata "you don't want your binky anymore!" I berkata "no; I'm a big kid!" Grace berkata "and in lebih ways than just the pacifiers Michael!" I started giggling and berkata "Spiderman, daddy I got Spiderman!" He looked at grace and asked "Spiderman what?" Grace lifted my baju and he berkata "oh; anda got rid of those diapers for good! anda hear that AJ? There's no going back now!" Grace berkata "I think you're the one that doesn't want her to grow up! She was lebih than ready to get rid of her baby things!" He started to cry and I asked in broken English "why anda cry daddy? anda need to be jumpy instead! I'm not a baby anymore but; I need you!"
***
After the video was over those words "I'm not a baby anymore but; I need you" stuck in my head as I heard dad continue to cry in the hallway. Grace berkata "you may not want to be his baby; but anda always will be to him! I remember when anda got back from your trip to Australia like it was yesterday! Sure he was excited that anda were having less and less issues with telling him that anda needed to go but; he wanted to feel needed! He would deliberately sabotage my efforts to get anda to go to the bathroom (laughs). He didn't feel like anda were going to need him as much when anda started to grow up! He would come in and rescue anda from me; which made me look like such a bad guy and anda definitely used that to your advantage! anda would scream 'daddy I want anda in here; not Grace’ because anda knew he wouldn't make anda sit there… He just doesn't want to let anda go; no matter how old anda are… No matter what the fight atau argument is about! He wants to protect anda from everything! He doesn't want anda to get hurt! That's why he feels the need to be so strict and let's face it AJ; most of the time anda don't use your common sense! He is your common sense; anda need your dad lebih than anda think anda do! When anda say things about not needing him; it hurts him lebih than anda can ever imagine! He does so much for anda and anda treat him like dirt on the bottom of your shoe! He's at the end of his rope! He just wants anda to behave like he knows anda can and anda know anda can! anda just choose not too atau anda blame everything on your ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder… anda use that as an excuse and your dad feels guilty when he punishes you!"
I got up as my guilty conscience was eating me alive and opened up my bedroom door. I looked down at my dad who was sitting on the floor outside my bedroom crying his eyes out. I sat down on the floor seterusnya to him and he looked at me and was afraid say anything. I pulled him and for a hug. I berkata "I'm sorry dad! I didn't understand why those memories of me when I was that young were so important to you! I'm sorry I swore at anda and slammed the door in your face! I want to prove to anda that anda can trust me! Don't beat yourself up because anda are the best father in the world! He wiped his tears and berkata "I'm sorry that I'm always talking about when anda were really little! That's just all that I have left of that time; I'll never do those types of things again! Blanket is my youngest and he is seven!" I berkata "I'm not a baby anymore but; I will always need my daddy!" He kissed me and berkata "I accept your apology and I hope to God that we don't have a fight like that again! I berkata "now that anda are calm; anda may want to know that I punched a hole through the dinding in my bedroom!" Dad berkata as he sighed "you'll be patching that up as part of your punishment!" I berkata "okay dad; I Cinta anda and I just want to tell anda that I'm sorry again! I know that that was unnecessary and uncalled for!" He berkata "I accept your apology again and like I always say, I'll always Cinta anda lebih than anda Cinta me!"
June 25, 2009,
I was laying in my room and 1 million thoughts went through my mind. How am I going to tunjuk dad that he can trust me again? I feel like such a jerk for what happened last night! I've never seen him cry like that! Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever made him cry with anything other than tears of joy! If Grace had not snapped me out of the mood I was in today would start off just as bad as yesterday!
It was about 8 o'clock in the morning and I heard Dr. Murray scream "Alanna, Prince come quick!" Prince ran into my room and berkata "there's something really wrong with daddy!" I jolted out of katil and ran down the hall with him. When we got to the master bedroom, Prince and I stood there in shock as we stared at dad lying on the floor while Dr. Murray frantically performed CPR. Prince and I started crying and I hugged him while Paris, Grace, and Blanket started praying.
minit later, the ambulans had arrived and so had my relatives. Grandma berkata while trying to hide her fear and concern "come on children; we're going to the hospital!" I forced back tears the entire ride to the hospital and it felt like we were never going to get there!
All four of us kids walked inside without our masks on and sat in the waiting room while the rest of the family went to go see what was going on. Dad's manager Frank sat with us and we waited for about a half hour. Then a nurse directed us to an empty room with chairs. We all sat down and Prince sat down seterusnya to me. We sat there in silence for a few minutes. I looked up at my grandmother without saying anything and she forced out of the words "I'm sorry children but; your father passed away this morning!" Prince, Paris, and Blanket immediately started crying. The saat I heard her say those words, I stormed out of the room and Frank followed me. He shouted "AJ wait!" I ran out the door and sat down on a bench outside the hospital entrance. Frank caught up with me and sat down seterusnya to me.
I started crying as Frank looked at me sympathetically. He hugged me as I cried hysterically and asked "is he really dead?" Frank berkata "I'm afraid so AJ!" I berkata as I shook my head in disbelief "this can't be happening! He can't be gone forever! I need him!" Prince came outside sejak himself and berkata "we all just saw dad one lebih time. anda should go see him too." I looked at Frank and asked "will anda go with me? I don't feel comfortable crying in front of anyone else and I don't want to go in alone!" Frank berkata "of course I will kid!" I hugged Prince as he wiped his eyes and we all went back inside the hospital.
Frank walked into the hospital room where my dad's body was with me and I stood over his lifeless body. I started crying and collapsed into a chair. Frank berkata "it'll be okay! He's in a better place now!" I berkata "it's not okay! It's all my fault!" Frank berkata "I don't know why anda would think that! In no way at all is this your fault!" I berkata "he thought I didn't need him anymore! We got into a huge fight last night and I almost punched him! I scared the crap out of him and made him feel like an awful father! Even though I apologized, I didn't think that that would be the last thing I ever berkata to him!" Frank berkata "I guarantee anda that your dad is looking down at anda right now from heaven and he would want to tell anda not to blame any of this on yourself because it's not your fault! I promise anda it's not your fault! We're going to find out what really happened and get everything straightened out!" I kissed dad's cheek and berkata "I Cinta anda more!!!
I wiped away tears and calmed myself down. Frank berkata down seterusnya to me and I asked "what happens now?" Frank berkata "well; I think you're going to go back to your grandmother's house." I rolled my eyes and berkata "I have a feeling that that's not going to last for very long between me and her under the same roof." Frank berkata "your dad wanted me to give anda something just in case anything ever happened to him" as he pulled and envelope out of his pocket. I looked at him confused as I grabbed it and asked "what is it?" He responded "I honestly don't know. I never looked inside it! I've held onto it since 2007." I opened it up and there was a letter of stapled pieces of paper. I read out loud:
"Dear Alanna,
sejak now anda probably know that I have died for some unknown reason. In the event of my death I would like anda to have what is inside this envelope. Before anda continue on to the seterusnya page, there are some final rules and guidelines that anda need to follow that go along with what anda will see in a minute. The first of which is, in order to take advantage of what is on the seterusnya page anda must continue your final four years of high school! Next, anda must keep yourself from getting in trouble with the law! (Written in a different color ink which probably means he added it years later) lastly, anda must continue to play an active role in Carter's life. Which means; anda will take every opportunity anda have to spend time with him and take two months out of the tahun to spend solely with him! If any of these rules are broken it WILL NOT BE TOLERATED and what is on the seterusnya page will be immediately revoked sejak your guardian until anda reach the age of 18! Upon anda turning 18 it shall be returned to you! I can probably imagine that you've cried a lot of tears today so I'll end this letter with a quote from Spiderman that anda will probably laugh at but; try to take it literally because it's true! 'With great power; comes great responsibility!'
Sincerely, daddy
PS. I Cinta anda lebih :-)"
***
I laughed at the quote and Frank asked "what's on the seterusnya page AJ?" I turned the page casually and started to scan it with my eyes. After a few minutes, I whispered "oh my God" and shook my head in disbelief. Frank asked "what is it?" I asked myself "is he serious? He can't be serious!!!" Frank asked again "WHAT IS IT?" I read it out loud "MJJ records: recording contract!" Frank stood up and looked over my shoulder. He berkata "it looks like your dad wanted anda signed as an official artist to his record label and it says right here that he appointed me as your manager!" I started crying again and Frank berkata "he signed the bottom of the paper saying that it is okay for anda to be signed because anda are a minor. All anda need to is sign your name and initial here!" I signed my name with the pen he passed me and he berkata "welcome to MJJ records kid!" I berkata "I can't believe my dream is coming true! I'm going to be a famous celebrity like my dad!"
July 7, 2009,
I was sitting at the breakfast meja, jadual eating cereal in Havenhurst and my grandmother sat down seterusnya to me. She asked "are anda okay AJ? anda haven't talked about what happened to your dad since we left the hospital." I got up to throw my bowl in the sink and berkata "I don't want to talk about it." She looked at me emotionless and I took Carter out of his high chair.
I got dressed in a female suit with pants and all of us gathered in the living room. I looked at my aunts and uncles as I held my almost 8-month-old son in my arms. Uncle Randy berkata "I don't know what we're going to do about this whole car situation and getting to the memorial service. Mother needs to go with us which leaves Alanna, Prince, Paris, and Blanket having to go in the other car. AJ do anda have your license yet atau just your permit?" I berkata "just my permit; why?" He berkata as he looked at my grandmother "well; do anda think anda could get to the Staples center where the memorial is sejak yourself without getting pulled over?"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. They're basically asking me to do something illegal! I thought about it for a few minit and berkata "yeah; I think I can do that! Just as long as anda take the baby in your car because I don't feel comfortable driving without an adult with Carter in the car. I'm fine taking Blanket, Prince, and Paris with me though."
They agreed and uncle Jermaine tossed me his car keys. I walked out to the car with my siblings. I noticed that my dog drake was still outside and turned back to let him in the house. Blanket and Paris sat in the back kerusi, tempat duduk while Prince sat seterusnya to me in the passenger seat. I asked "are anda guys buckled up?" They shook their heads in agreement and Prince turned the radio on. I asked "can anda at least wait until we get out of the driveway? anda have to remember that this is the first time I'll be driving without an adult in the car and I don't want to mess up!"
I looked over my shoulder as I pulled out of the driveway and uncle Randy rolled his car window down to talk to me before we officially leave. He berkata "you got this; just pay attention to stop lights and signs. The GPS is already preset with address to both the Staples center and Forrest Lawn Cemetery where the private funeral will be. Whatever anda do, don't get pulled over AJ!" I took a deep breath and berkata "I won't." He rolled his window up and drove off with my other relatives in the car with him.
I drove down the jalan and turned the GPS on. The automated voice started spitting out directions faster than I can understand her. I asked Prince as we pulled up to an intersection "is there a rewind button on that thing?" He picked the GPS up and berkata "I don't see one." I berkata "that's just great! I think we're lost!" Prince berkata "just ask for directions!" I berkata "I can't because someone will know that I'm not supposed me driving without and adult in the car." Prince berkata "I didn't even notice that that's Uncle Randy's car in front of us!" I passed him my cell phone and berkata "text him and tell him that the GPS is being stupid! Tell him to go straight to the Staples center because were following him." Prince started tapping on the keyboard and Aunt Janet gave me a thumbs up from the back kerusi, tempat duduk of his car.
I took a sigh of relief as I drove through the entrance of the Staples center and the four of us got out of the car. My relatives walked up to us in a group and grandma passed me Carter who had fallen asleep in her arms. Then uncle Marlon passed me a white bracelet and berkata "that's your pass to the reserve seating area were all of us will be; don't lose it!"
Five minit before the ceremony ended, Paris walked on the stage and berkata "I just wanted to say that my daddy was the best father anda could ever imagine and I just Cinta him so much!" I was so proud of my sister because I wouldn't have been able to be that brave. I'm still not used to the idea of my dad being gone atau living with my grandmother. On bahagian, atas of all of that, I still have to be a mother to Carter and that only makes me miss my dad more. I feel like I don't belong here, I don't fit in at my grandmother's house! I wonder how long this is going to last!
July 14, 2009,
I was sitting in my grandmother's living room after putting Carter down for a nap and watching TV. I wasn't really watching it though; I was just staring at it thinking about my dad. Grandma walked up to me and sat down. She berkata "it's okay to be sad AJ! I haven't seen anda cry at all!" I looked at her and berkata "that's because I'm not a crier grandma!" She berkata "so anda just going to walk around here every hari all depressed like this!" I berkata "I'm not talking about this anymore!" I ran up to my new room and sat down on the bed. I looked at the picture of dad and I when I was 11 years old and put the picture frame facing down so I didn't have to look at it. I started crying and berkata "I don't know how I'm going to do this! I just want my dad back! I wish everyone would stop asking me how I'm feeling! How do anda think I'm feeling? My dad just died!"
Blanket came into my room as I quickly tried to hide the fact that I have been crying. He berkata as he started to cry "I want daddy to come back too!" He sat down on the katil and I put my arm around him. Blanket berkata "I don't really want to live here AJ!" I berkata "I don't either buddy but; we have to try and make the best of it!" He asked "why did he have to leave us so soon?" I paused searching for an appropriate answer to give a seven-year-old and berkata "I don't know buddy; I guess it was just time for God to take him to heaven." He berkata "I heard that anda going to be a singer just like daddy! Are anda going to leave us here if anda have to go travel somewhere?" I berkata "yeah; but I will always be with anda in your heart! I will call anda all the time when I'm away! I promise that if anda ever need me for anything important; I'll be there!"
August 3, 2009,
Frank texted me a few minit lalu and berkata he wants to have a meeting with me about launching my career. Once he arrived, I let him inside and we went into the spare living room. He berkata "we have to create your image!" I looked at him confused and asked "what do anda mean?" He berkata "a certain style atau way that anda carry yourself that people will remember anda for. lebih importantly something that your future peminat base will remember anda for!" I berkata "oh; now I get it!" He berkata "it's been a long time since I've started the career of an artist from the ground up. What are kids and teens into these days?" I berkata "everything pretty much has to do with social media sites like Twitter, Facebook, and sometimes MySpace!" He berkata "from what I can see with other teenage celebrities, setting up a Twitter account before anda actually get in the studio will make people wonder what you're up to. Just having Michael Jackson as your father will help anda gain peminat-peminat without even doing anything."
I grabbed my laptop and sat back down on the couch. I asked "so what you're saying is that anda think I should make a Twitter account?" He berkata "yeah; just make your nama pengguna direct and to the point. I'll make sure that it becomes a verified account for you." I typed on my keyboard under the nama pengguna section in create an account: @officialAlannaJackson. I asked "what should I send as my first tweet?" He berkata "something that hints to what you're doing atau planning to do but; will leave people wondering." I thought about it for a minit and then typed @officialAlannaJackson: be prepared for what's coming your way!
I asked "what's next?" He berkata "we work on your sense of style!" I berkata "what are anda talking about? I have a great sense of style!" He berkata "I think we should change your hair style because it's the exact same thing as that Bieber kids except yours is blonde. Come on we're going to the hairdresser."
I walked into the bathroom and Frank could hear the buzzcutter running. He stormed in and asked "what do anda think you're doing?" I stood there as I shaved my head back to the fauxhawk that I had a couple years back. He berkata "I can't believe anda just did that without even asking me!" I berkata "listen, it's my head and I'm not just going to walk around with whatever hairstyle anda want me to have. That me being how the rest of Hollywood works but; I'm not doing this for Hollywood, I'm doing it for me! I'm going to wear my usual baggy jeans and sports jerseys because that's what I like. I understand why anda wanted me to cut my hair but; I'm not going to just conform to what society wants me to be because I'm my own person!" Frank just looked at me stunned and berkata "fair enough."
August 5, 2009,
I'm having a hard time coming to terms with my dad not being alive anymore. It still doesn't feel like he's gone! It just feels like he's on vacation and that he will be back soon… Even though I know that's not going to happen! It's definitely one of those times when anda can say "you don't know what you've got until it's gone!"
Having Carter helps me get my mind off of things. He's changed so much already since he has been born. He has the most amazing smile and I can't wait until his teeth grow in because it will be even better! I don't have time to be sad about my dad because I have to take care of my son. That's what my relatives don't understand! It's almost like they want me to fall to my knees and beg for my dad to be back! It's like they think that I don't care! If only they were me they would know how I feel! I miss my dad so much and this is still all so new to me
***
All of us were in the backyard watching Prince and my cousin Jafar playing badminton. Carter was sitting in his bouncy saucer and my grandmother asked "will anda please talk to me about how you're feeling when it comes to your father? I berkata "I don't want to; what part of that don't anda understand?" She berkata "please don't talk to me like that AJ!" I picked Carter up and went inside to my room.
After a few minutes, grandma came in and sat down on my bed. I took one look at her and started crying. She hugged me and berkata "I was waiting for this to happen. It's okay; you're going to get through this!" I berkata "this is so hard! I just want dad back! I'm not used to sharing a house with so many people!" She berkata "just think about it; anda probably won't be here that much when anda start working on your musical career! Plus having so many family members means that Carter will definitely be loved when you're gone!" I worry how all this will play out.
January 2, 2009,
I was lying in my katil with Carter in his tempat tidur bayi, katil bayi on the other side of my large bedroom. Dad came in and berkata as he walked over to pick up Carter because he was crying "AJ; anda need to get up." I put a bantal over my head and rolled over. He berkata "you need to get up!" I complained "Carter kept me up all night long every jam and a half! I'm tired; can it be your turn?" He berkata "no, no, no, that's not how it works! I told anda that if anda wanted to raise Carter as your child then it's your responsibility to take care of him; not mine! I understand that you're tired but; so am I. I have 12 jam work days at rehearsals for the new tour!"
I moaned "I Cinta my katil and I'm not moving!" Dad grabbed my foot that was sticking out from underneath the covers and gently pulled me out of bed. I got up and berkata with an irritated tone in my voice "all I'm asking for is one half-hour sleep!" Dad berkata "yeah well; that's tough for anda because you're not going to get it. I've got to go to rehearsals. Oh and sejak the way, Grace and I got into an argument last night so; I don't know if she will be coming back. That means you're going to have to watch Carter, Blanket, Prince, and Paris until I get home. Don't worry; I cut my hari short so I should be utama at about 4 o'clock and I will bring utama something to eat." I berkata "you've got to be kidding me dad! I don't want to watch all of them! I already have my hands full with Carter as it is!" Dad berkata "I don't want to hear it AJ. You're watching them and that's that! I'm not doing it on purpose; I don't really have another choice! I berkata sarcastically "I don't know; maybe anda could stay home!" He berkata "I can't afford to miss too many days AJ. anda make it seem like it's going to be too much for anda to handle. Prince is 11 and Paris is 10 so; it's not like anda have to entertain them. As for Blanket, anda can set him up with TV shows!" I berkata "fine, but only because anda have no other choice!" He hugged me and berkata "thank you; I appreciate it, just don't burn the house down!"
January 7, 2009,
I was making Carter a bottle while dad put dishes in the dishwasher. He looked over and berkata "make sure anda measure that out correctly AJ.” I looked at him with an irritated expression on my face and berkata "I know dad! I'm not stupid!" Dad berkata "I was just making sure; there's no reason for the attitude." I berkata "whatever!" I stormed out of the room and sat on the couch.
As I was about to burp Carter, dad came in and sat down seterusnya to me. He berkata "don't be afraid to be a little bit forceful just as long as you're not too rough!" I looked over at him as I rolled my eyes and berkata "I know dad!" He berkata "I'm just trying to be helpful; that's all." I berkata "well; you're not being very helpful and you're actually starting to piss me off!" He asked "was that language really necessary Alanna?" I replied "um yeah actually it was because anda won't have any faith in me when it comes to taking care of Carter!" He berkata "I do trust you; it's not easy for me to trust anda but, I do." I asked "why would it be hard for anda trust me?" Dad berkata "seriously; I can't believe you're asking me that! Every other thing anda tell me is a lie and anda walk around here like anda don't care about what I have to say!" I berkata "okay; go ahead and play the victim again because that way anda know you'll win!"
I brought Carter upstairs to finish feeding him because the tension between dad and I was filling the air. A few minit later, dad came upstairs and walked into my room. He sat down on my katil and berkata "you have to understand that the fact that you’re a mother hasn't fully sunk in yet and you're not even 15 yet! anda still have a lot to learn!” I berkata "I came up here for a reason; I need to be away from anda right now!" He berkata "I Cinta anda AJ!" I whispered "I Cinta anda too" and he berkata "I Cinta anda more!"
March 19, 2009,
I got my drivers permit a couple of days lalu and have been badgering dad to take me out for my first test drive. The two of us were standing in the dapur and I begged "come on dad! Please take me out and teach me how to drive! Now is the perfect time because Grace is back and she can watch the kids while we're gone!" He grabbed his car keys and berkata "I'm not looking ke hadapan to this! Let's get this over with!" I berkata "thank you, thank you, thank you!" He berkata "Grace we'll be back in about an hour." Prince asked "is AJ going to learn how to drive daddy? Can I come?" Paris berkata "if Prince is going then I want to go too!" Grace berkata "neither of anda can go because anda are too young to be in the car with someone with a learners permit!" Prince and Paris looked at her in disappointment as the two of us got ready to leave. Grace berkata "good luck anda guys! I can't wait to hear all about it when anda get back." Dad berkata "thanks; I think we're going to need it!"
We went out to the car and I was ready to open up the driver’s side door when dad berkata "you're not driving just yet; hold your horses!" I asked disappointed "why?" He berkata as we got into our seats "because I'm not taking anda out on the road until anda know what you're doing! I'm taking anda to an empty parking lot! We can use the Staples Center parking lot because it's closed today.
Once we arrived at the Staples Center parking lot, he parked the car and we switch seats with each other. I could tell that he was already nervous and I hadn't even started the car yet. After I buckled my seatbelt, I turned the key in the ignition and the motor started. I was overly eager and dad berkata “wait, let me tunjuk anda what's what here! This is your gas pedal, this is the break! I suggest that anda don't tend to get them mixed up." I honked the horn and he berkata "are anda listening to me? This is important! anda need to understand this atau else I'm not going to let anda drive! Now tunjuk me which ones the gas and which one is the break." I showed him and he tried to stall for as long as possible because he was really freaked out.
After 15 minutes, I finally berkata "come on dad; I don't want to just sit here all hari with the car running and stay in the same exact spot!" Dad berkata as he let out a deep sigh "alright; but go slow!" I lightly pressed my foot down on the gas pedal and we started moving forward. I berkata under my breath "oh my God; I can't believe I'm actually driving your car!" We slowly crept up on a giant cement yellow pole and dad berkata "turn, turn, turn, turn AJ! Oh my God please turn AJ!" He squinted his eyes bracing for impact and I turned easily without any problems. I looked over at him and asked "what are anda so scared of dad? I'm doing fine and you're stressing over nothing!" He berkata "this isn't nothing AJ! I don't want anda to get hurt!" I laughed as I looked around and asked "how the heck do anda expect me to get hurt in a giant empty parking lot with no other cars and not to mention that that pole was the only thing I could have possibly hit! I can understand why you'd be like this if we were on the road with a bunch of other cars but; come on!"
He opened his eyes and asked "did anda crash?" I asked "does it look like I crashed dad?" He looked around to see that the both of us were perfectly fine and took a deep breath. I asked "can I go a little bit faster than a turtle?" He berkata "fine; I can't hold anda back forever!" I cranked up to speed a little bit faster and dad berkata after about 20 minit of driving "okay; I think that's enough driving for anda today! I'll take anda out every couple of days for about an jam until I feel you're ready to drive on the road. I know I gave anda a hard time but; it's only because I'm worried! anda did pretty well for someone who's never driven before!"
March 23, 2009,
There was a knock at the front door of our Los Angeles rental house and I answered it with Carter in my arms. A gorgeous, tall, African-American woman was standing on the other side and I asked "can I help you?" She berkata "hi; my name is Kyi Chase and your father hired me as the new chef here." I berkata "oh yeah; I forgot that today was your first day! Come on in and I'll go get my dad for you!"
While I went to go find dad, Kyi found her way to the dapur and sat down on a barstool. Soon after, dad, Prince, Paris, Blanket, and I walked in and Kyi berkata "it's nice to finally meet anda Michael!" We each introduced ourselves and she asked "when did anda have another baby Michael?" I berkata "oh no; he is not his! This is Carter and he is my son. Just don't say anything to anyone else because we want to keep me being a teenage mother a secret for as long as possible!" She shook her head in agreement and berkata "I completely understand! I won't say anything!"
Dad berkata as he sat down seterusnya to Kyi "during the week the children and I eat very healthy but; on Saturdays all of us eat anything and everything we want to!" She berkata "that sounds good to me! I have a lot of healthy Makanan meal plans!" Their conversation was interrupted sejak a gurgling sound and she berkata "well; anda kids must be really hungry!" I looked down at Carter and berkata "that wasn't us! Seriously Carter; I can't believe I have to change anda again!" I went upstairs while the rest of them talked about what Makanan they would like to have made for them.
March 27, 2009,
We were all setting the meja, jadual when Kyi brought out a giant bowl of chicken Alfredo. As I was filling my plate, I looked over and saw dad's eyes quickly scan Kyi's amazing figure. I looked at him with a mischievous look on my face and asked "were anda checking her out dad?" He looked down and started blushing. I started laughing and berkata "you didn't think I was going to catch on to that!" He berkata "I forget that anda had a boyfriend sometimes and anda pick up on that kind of stuff."
April 6, 2009,
I was up in my room when I heard dad's shoes squeaking on the floor. He came in and without saying anything dropped a piece of paper down in front of me. I knew exactly what it was and he asked "did anda think I wasn't going to find out that anda haven't been doing your schoolwork since the baby was born?" I berkata "you know it's not easy for me to juggle being a mom at 15 and doing my schoolwork!" He berkata "that doesn't mean that anda don't have to do any of your work; that's no excuse!" I berkata "I'm actually thinking of dropping out soon!" He berkata "no you're not! Not on my watch!" I asked "do anda know how hard it is to be me? No anda don't; so anda don't have a lot of room to talk dad!" He berkata "yes I do because I'm your dad and I have the right to tell anda that you're staying in school!" I berkata under my breath as he walked away "we'll see about that." He berkata "you have less than four years the; just get it over with!"
April 11, 2009,
I was sitting with Carter on the sofa, kerusi panjang seterusnya to dad when the doorbell rang. Dad got up to answer it and I heard him say "it's nice that anda guys came all the way down here to see AJ but; she can't hang out with anda because she's taking care of Carter." I began to get curious and went to go see who was at the door. I couldn't believe it! Sketch, Brandon, and Colton were standing at the front steps. Before dad could stop me, I grabbed my jaket and dashed out the door after passing Carter to him. I hopped in the car that the guys had rented. As we sped out of the driveway, I heard dad yell "Alanna anda better get back here!"
Once we were far enough away, I looked at them and asked "what are anda guys doing here?" Colton berkata "Kate gave us money to come down here and get anda out of the house for a while because you've been in there with the baby for a long time! anda do realize that you're probably not going to hear the end of it from your dad when anda get back; right?" I berkata "I'm used to it; I don't care! If he's not complaining about one thing about me it'll be something else! What did anda have in mind for tonight?" Sketch showed me what appeared to be an amazingly realistic fake ID and asked "how does drinking your first few beers sound to you?” I knew it wasn't the right thing to do but; anda know how I am so I berkata "sounds good to me!"
After we had gotten the alcohol with the fake ID, we went to the park and sat down in the grass! I popped the lid off of my bir bottle and took my first sip. I definitely didn't like the taste but; Brandon berkata "trust me; it will be worth it!" I berkata "it better be!"
When I had finished my third drink I was definitely feeling what they were talking about and the guys were laughing at how I was acting! We started doing some really stupid things that I can't really remember because I was so drunk. We each ended up drinking an eight pack of our own. Luckily, one of the guys was able to drive me utama without getting into an accident and dad had gone to katil sejak the time I stumbled up the stairs to my room.
April 12, 2009,
When I woke up this morning I had the worst headache ever! I didn't remember anything from last night but; I did catch a glimpse of a few half full bir bottles in my room. I don't know why; but I didn't try to hide them! I was still kind of out of it and I fell back asleep.
Five minit later, dad walked in my room and tapped my shoulder. I moaned "what?" He berkata "it's time to get up!" I sat up and rubbed my eyes. That's when he noticed the bir bottles in my room. His eyes widened and he asked with a whispered tone "did anda drink last night?" I berkata "yup!" He berkata as he sat down seterusnya to me on my katil "you say that like it's no big deal AJ! You're 15 years old and anda shouldn't be drinking!!" I berkata "whatever dad." He berkata raising his voice a little bit "no it's not whatever Alanna! sejak the way, I know that anda just got utama an jam lalu because I heard the front door shut! anda look absolutely ridiculous right now!!!"
His voice cracked as he started to cry and he berkata "LOOK AT YOURSELF! Your hair is sticking up all over the place! You've got rumput stains all over your clothes! anda smell like a brewery! Let alone the fact THAT YOU'RE DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS!" I mumbled slurring my words "I'm not that drunk!" Tears flowed from his eyes and he asked "WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU? WHERE IS MY LITTLE TOMBOY? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO anda ARE ANYMORE!" I fell over in a drunken stupor and he just started bawling his eyes out as he fell to his knees. He crawled seterusnya to me and dragged me onto his lap.
I had fallen fast asleep and he just kept crying and rocking me back and forth as if I was a newborn baby. He cried uncontrollably as he berkata "it's okay; it's okay! Daddy's going to protect anda from the dark side of the world! I didn't want this for you! anda deserve so much better! I need to save anda from yourself!"
Grace came into the room to see what all the commotion was and asked as she knelt down seterusnya to him "what's wrong Michael?" He berkata "Alanna came utama about an jam lalu and she is drunk! Grace I don't know what to do! That's the worst thing she's ever done! I didn't think she would do something that stupid! Now that she knows what it feels like; I'm afraid that she won't stop! anda know how she is! She does what she wants when she wants to! What's she going to do when she's out in the world without me to protect her?" Grace didn't have anything to say because she was just as terrified as he is. He berkata as he looked at her with his eyes bloodshot from crying so hard and berkata "that scares the hell out of me! I don't know what I'm going to do with her! I've tried and tried to tunjuk her the right things in life… She just doesn't listen! SHE'S TEARING ME APART! I'm trying so hard but; what lebih can I do?"
At this point, Grace had started crying and dad berkata "I have to put her on the right track before it's too late! She's drinking, a teenage mother, swears like a sailor, and sneaks out of the house. What's next; jail? I have to say that it wouldn't surprise me!" What she doesn't realize is that the real world isn't like it is this me!" Grace asked "what are we going to do? I can't stop her if she decides she's going to just up and leave!!!" He berkata as he picked me up and put me in katil "I guess I have no choice but to bring her with me when I go to rehearsals." He kissed my forehead moving my blonde hair out of the way and berkata "I want anda to be everything that anda can be! I hate the person you're becoming and I'll do everything in my power to stop that!" He then lay down seterusnya to me in my katil and fell asleep.
June 24, 2009,
Dad and I were leaving the Staples center after his rehearsals ended at 9 o'clock. sejak now, dad had started letting me learn how to drive on the road so; I got into the drivers kerusi, tempat duduk while she sat in the passenger's seat. Before we had even gotten onto the road he was already being critical of my driving. He berkata "watch out for that car AJ!" I berkata as I put the blinker on "I can see dad! I was already way ahead of you!" He berkata after the stop light turned green "don't keep your foot so heavy on the gas pedal AJ; the speed here is 35! How fast are anda going?" I berkata with an annoyed tone in my voice "34 dad! Will anda please chill out?" He berkata "I can't because I don't trust you!" I rolled my eyes and berkata "oh there anda go again with the whole 'I don't trust you’ thing!" He berkata "pay attention to what you're doing! anda just ran that stop sign!" I berkata arrogantly "um… No I didn't!" He berkata "don't tell me anda didn't because I just saw anda with my own two eyes! anda know what; pull the car over on the side of the road! I asked "what; why?"
I pulled the car over and he berkata "get in the back seat; you're done!" I snarled my upper lip with rage as I climbed into the back kerusi, tempat duduk and he into the drivers. He berkata as he looked at me in the rearview mirror "you need to quit it with the attitude! What's the deal AJ?" I berkata "you're being way too strict with me and I can't take it much longer!" He berkata "I wish I didn't have to be so strict anda but; anda don't listen to me at all anymore!" I berkata "you are over exaggerating!" He asked "oh really? When was the last time anda made your bed?" I of course didn't answer him because then I would have to own up to it.
He started crying and I berkata frustrated "oh my God; I can't believe you're crying again! If anda think that going to make me feel bad you're wasting your time!" He shook his head in disbelief and berkata "I didn't raise anda like this! I want anda to be like anda used to be! When anda were somewhat well behaved; instead of absolutely out-of-control!" I shouted "YOU NEED TO GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL THAT I'M NOT THAT LITTLE FOUR-YEAR-OLD ANYMORE! I DON'T NEED anda ANYMORE!"
We pulled into the driveway and he berkata "go upstairs to your room! You're on punishment until further notice!" I slammed the car door and stormed inside. Grace berkata "hi anda two; how was your day?" I berkata as I raced up the stairs with dad following me "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" He looked at Grace and berkata "that right there is how our hari was!" He took Carter from her and berkata "I guess I'll be watching him tonight again!"
After he had gotten the baby asleep, he stood in his bedroom doorway and I stood in mine. He calmly asked with tears in his eyes "are anda going to apologize?" I berkata "no" and slammed my door. Grace had seen everything that just happened and looked at my dad in shock as tears streamed down his face. She ran over to hug him and he asked "why does she do this to me? If only she knew how much it really hurts to have her say that stuff to me! She knows that much I Cinta her and she uses that to her advantage!" Grace pulled away from the hug and berkata "hang on; I'll be back Michael!"
The seterusnya thing I knew, she swung my bedroom door wide open and slammed it shut after she walked in. I sat there texting on my phone completely unfazed sejak the commotion going on directly outside my bedroom door. She walked up to me and ripped the phone out of my hands! I berkata "what the hell Grace!!!" She asked "ALANNA MICHAEL JACKSON DO anda SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO YOUR FATHER? YOU'RE DESTROYING HIM! DO anda HEAR HIM CRYING OUT THERE? HE'S LEANING UP AGAINST THE dinding SITTING DOWN AND CRYING TO THE POINT WHERE HE IS SHAKING UNCONTROLLABLY!"
She grabbed me sejak the arm and pressed my ear up against the door. My dad berkata while sobbing "I Cinta HER SO MUCH! SHE CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER! MY BABY; WHERE DID I GO WRONG? I WISH anda WOULD TELL ME SO I COULD FIX IT!!!" Grace looked at me and berkata "see; he thinks he's failing anda as a father! anda can't do that to him AJ! Do anda know what he's done for you?" Sit down; I want to tunjuk anda a video!" She pulled out a video tape from my cluttered closet and pressed play as she put it in the VCR:
Dated at the bottom of the screen: August 21, 1996
Grace and I sitting at the meja, jadual eating makan malam, majlis makan malam when I was two years old. The door opens and Grace asked "who is that AJ?" Dad snuck up behind me and covered my eyes with his hands. Then he lifted them to reveal his face staring at me. I berkata "MY DADDY IS HOME!" He picked me up and berkata "I missed you!" Grace asked "why don't anda tunjuk daddy what we threw away?" Dad walked up to the trashcan with me in his arms and pressed the lever that lifted the trashcan lid with his foot. He gasped and berkata "you don't want your binky anymore!" I berkata "no; I'm a big kid!" Grace berkata "and in lebih ways than just the pacifiers Michael!" I started giggling and berkata "Spiderman, daddy I got Spiderman!" He looked at grace and asked "Spiderman what?" Grace lifted my baju and he berkata "oh; anda got rid of those diapers for good! anda hear that AJ? There's no going back now!" Grace berkata "I think you're the one that doesn't want her to grow up! She was lebih than ready to get rid of her baby things!" He started to cry and I asked in broken English "why anda cry daddy? anda need to be jumpy instead! I'm not a baby anymore but; I need you!"
***
After the video was over those words "I'm not a baby anymore but; I need you" stuck in my head as I heard dad continue to cry in the hallway. Grace berkata "you may not want to be his baby; but anda always will be to him! I remember when anda got back from your trip to Australia like it was yesterday! Sure he was excited that anda were having less and less issues with telling him that anda needed to go but; he wanted to feel needed! He would deliberately sabotage my efforts to get anda to go to the bathroom (laughs). He didn't feel like anda were going to need him as much when anda started to grow up! He would come in and rescue anda from me; which made me look like such a bad guy and anda definitely used that to your advantage! anda would scream 'daddy I want anda in here; not Grace’ because anda knew he wouldn't make anda sit there… He just doesn't want to let anda go; no matter how old anda are… No matter what the fight atau argument is about! He wants to protect anda from everything! He doesn't want anda to get hurt! That's why he feels the need to be so strict and let's face it AJ; most of the time anda don't use your common sense! He is your common sense; anda need your dad lebih than anda think anda do! When anda say things about not needing him; it hurts him lebih than anda can ever imagine! He does so much for anda and anda treat him like dirt on the bottom of your shoe! He's at the end of his rope! He just wants anda to behave like he knows anda can and anda know anda can! anda just choose not too atau anda blame everything on your ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder… anda use that as an excuse and your dad feels guilty when he punishes you!"
I got up as my guilty conscience was eating me alive and opened up my bedroom door. I looked down at my dad who was sitting on the floor outside my bedroom crying his eyes out. I sat down on the floor seterusnya to him and he looked at me and was afraid say anything. I pulled him and for a hug. I berkata "I'm sorry dad! I didn't understand why those memories of me when I was that young were so important to you! I'm sorry I swore at anda and slammed the door in your face! I want to prove to anda that anda can trust me! Don't beat yourself up because anda are the best father in the world! He wiped his tears and berkata "I'm sorry that I'm always talking about when anda were really little! That's just all that I have left of that time; I'll never do those types of things again! Blanket is my youngest and he is seven!" I berkata "I'm not a baby anymore but; I will always need my daddy!" He kissed me and berkata "I accept your apology and I hope to God that we don't have a fight like that again! I berkata "now that anda are calm; anda may want to know that I punched a hole through the dinding in my bedroom!" Dad berkata as he sighed "you'll be patching that up as part of your punishment!" I berkata "okay dad; I Cinta anda and I just want to tell anda that I'm sorry again! I know that that was unnecessary and uncalled for!" He berkata "I accept your apology again and like I always say, I'll always Cinta anda lebih than anda Cinta me!"
June 25, 2009,
I was laying in my room and 1 million thoughts went through my mind. How am I going to tunjuk dad that he can trust me again? I feel like such a jerk for what happened last night! I've never seen him cry like that! Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever made him cry with anything other than tears of joy! If Grace had not snapped me out of the mood I was in today would start off just as bad as yesterday!
It was about 8 o'clock in the morning and I heard Dr. Murray scream "Alanna, Prince come quick!" Prince ran into my room and berkata "there's something really wrong with daddy!" I jolted out of katil and ran down the hall with him. When we got to the master bedroom, Prince and I stood there in shock as we stared at dad lying on the floor while Dr. Murray frantically performed CPR. Prince and I started crying and I hugged him while Paris, Grace, and Blanket started praying.
minit later, the ambulans had arrived and so had my relatives. Grandma berkata while trying to hide her fear and concern "come on children; we're going to the hospital!" I forced back tears the entire ride to the hospital and it felt like we were never going to get there!
All four of us kids walked inside without our masks on and sat in the waiting room while the rest of the family went to go see what was going on. Dad's manager Frank sat with us and we waited for about a half hour. Then a nurse directed us to an empty room with chairs. We all sat down and Prince sat down seterusnya to me. We sat there in silence for a few minutes. I looked up at my grandmother without saying anything and she forced out of the words "I'm sorry children but; your father passed away this morning!" Prince, Paris, and Blanket immediately started crying. The saat I heard her say those words, I stormed out of the room and Frank followed me. He shouted "AJ wait!" I ran out the door and sat down on a bench outside the hospital entrance. Frank caught up with me and sat down seterusnya to me.
I started crying as Frank looked at me sympathetically. He hugged me as I cried hysterically and asked "is he really dead?" Frank berkata "I'm afraid so AJ!" I berkata as I shook my head in disbelief "this can't be happening! He can't be gone forever! I need him!" Prince came outside sejak himself and berkata "we all just saw dad one lebih time. anda should go see him too." I looked at Frank and asked "will anda go with me? I don't feel comfortable crying in front of anyone else and I don't want to go in alone!" Frank berkata "of course I will kid!" I hugged Prince as he wiped his eyes and we all went back inside the hospital.
Frank walked into the hospital room where my dad's body was with me and I stood over his lifeless body. I started crying and collapsed into a chair. Frank berkata "it'll be okay! He's in a better place now!" I berkata "it's not okay! It's all my fault!" Frank berkata "I don't know why anda would think that! In no way at all is this your fault!" I berkata "he thought I didn't need him anymore! We got into a huge fight last night and I almost punched him! I scared the crap out of him and made him feel like an awful father! Even though I apologized, I didn't think that that would be the last thing I ever berkata to him!" Frank berkata "I guarantee anda that your dad is looking down at anda right now from heaven and he would want to tell anda not to blame any of this on yourself because it's not your fault! I promise anda it's not your fault! We're going to find out what really happened and get everything straightened out!" I kissed dad's cheek and berkata "I Cinta anda more!!!
I wiped away tears and calmed myself down. Frank berkata down seterusnya to me and I asked "what happens now?" Frank berkata "well; I think you're going to go back to your grandmother's house." I rolled my eyes and berkata "I have a feeling that that's not going to last for very long between me and her under the same roof." Frank berkata "your dad wanted me to give anda something just in case anything ever happened to him" as he pulled and envelope out of his pocket. I looked at him confused as I grabbed it and asked "what is it?" He responded "I honestly don't know. I never looked inside it! I've held onto it since 2007." I opened it up and there was a letter of stapled pieces of paper. I read out loud:
"Dear Alanna,
sejak now anda probably know that I have died for some unknown reason. In the event of my death I would like anda to have what is inside this envelope. Before anda continue on to the seterusnya page, there are some final rules and guidelines that anda need to follow that go along with what anda will see in a minute. The first of which is, in order to take advantage of what is on the seterusnya page anda must continue your final four years of high school! Next, anda must keep yourself from getting in trouble with the law! (Written in a different color ink which probably means he added it years later) lastly, anda must continue to play an active role in Carter's life. Which means; anda will take every opportunity anda have to spend time with him and take two months out of the tahun to spend solely with him! If any of these rules are broken it WILL NOT BE TOLERATED and what is on the seterusnya page will be immediately revoked sejak your guardian until anda reach the age of 18! Upon anda turning 18 it shall be returned to you! I can probably imagine that you've cried a lot of tears today so I'll end this letter with a quote from Spiderman that anda will probably laugh at but; try to take it literally because it's true! 'With great power; comes great responsibility!'
Sincerely, daddy
PS. I Cinta anda lebih :-)"
***
I laughed at the quote and Frank asked "what's on the seterusnya page AJ?" I turned the page casually and started to scan it with my eyes. After a few minutes, I whispered "oh my God" and shook my head in disbelief. Frank asked "what is it?" I asked myself "is he serious? He can't be serious!!!" Frank asked again "WHAT IS IT?" I read it out loud "MJJ records: recording contract!" Frank stood up and looked over my shoulder. He berkata "it looks like your dad wanted anda signed as an official artist to his record label and it says right here that he appointed me as your manager!" I started crying again and Frank berkata "he signed the bottom of the paper saying that it is okay for anda to be signed because anda are a minor. All anda need to is sign your name and initial here!" I signed my name with the pen he passed me and he berkata "welcome to MJJ records kid!" I berkata "I can't believe my dream is coming true! I'm going to be a famous celebrity like my dad!"
July 7, 2009,
I was sitting at the breakfast meja, jadual eating cereal in Havenhurst and my grandmother sat down seterusnya to me. She asked "are anda okay AJ? anda haven't talked about what happened to your dad since we left the hospital." I got up to throw my bowl in the sink and berkata "I don't want to talk about it." She looked at me emotionless and I took Carter out of his high chair.
I got dressed in a female suit with pants and all of us gathered in the living room. I looked at my aunts and uncles as I held my almost 8-month-old son in my arms. Uncle Randy berkata "I don't know what we're going to do about this whole car situation and getting to the memorial service. Mother needs to go with us which leaves Alanna, Prince, Paris, and Blanket having to go in the other car. AJ do anda have your license yet atau just your permit?" I berkata "just my permit; why?" He berkata as he looked at my grandmother "well; do anda think anda could get to the Staples center where the memorial is sejak yourself without getting pulled over?"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. They're basically asking me to do something illegal! I thought about it for a few minit and berkata "yeah; I think I can do that! Just as long as anda take the baby in your car because I don't feel comfortable driving without an adult with Carter in the car. I'm fine taking Blanket, Prince, and Paris with me though."
They agreed and uncle Jermaine tossed me his car keys. I walked out to the car with my siblings. I noticed that my dog drake was still outside and turned back to let him in the house. Blanket and Paris sat in the back kerusi, tempat duduk while Prince sat seterusnya to me in the passenger seat. I asked "are anda guys buckled up?" They shook their heads in agreement and Prince turned the radio on. I asked "can anda at least wait until we get out of the driveway? anda have to remember that this is the first time I'll be driving without an adult in the car and I don't want to mess up!"
I looked over my shoulder as I pulled out of the driveway and uncle Randy rolled his car window down to talk to me before we officially leave. He berkata "you got this; just pay attention to stop lights and signs. The GPS is already preset with address to both the Staples center and Forrest Lawn Cemetery where the private funeral will be. Whatever anda do, don't get pulled over AJ!" I took a deep breath and berkata "I won't." He rolled his window up and drove off with my other relatives in the car with him.
I drove down the jalan and turned the GPS on. The automated voice started spitting out directions faster than I can understand her. I asked Prince as we pulled up to an intersection "is there a rewind button on that thing?" He picked the GPS up and berkata "I don't see one." I berkata "that's just great! I think we're lost!" Prince berkata "just ask for directions!" I berkata "I can't because someone will know that I'm not supposed me driving without and adult in the car." Prince berkata "I didn't even notice that that's Uncle Randy's car in front of us!" I passed him my cell phone and berkata "text him and tell him that the GPS is being stupid! Tell him to go straight to the Staples center because were following him." Prince started tapping on the keyboard and Aunt Janet gave me a thumbs up from the back kerusi, tempat duduk of his car.
I took a sigh of relief as I drove through the entrance of the Staples center and the four of us got out of the car. My relatives walked up to us in a group and grandma passed me Carter who had fallen asleep in her arms. Then uncle Marlon passed me a white bracelet and berkata "that's your pass to the reserve seating area were all of us will be; don't lose it!"
Five minit before the ceremony ended, Paris walked on the stage and berkata "I just wanted to say that my daddy was the best father anda could ever imagine and I just Cinta him so much!" I was so proud of my sister because I wouldn't have been able to be that brave. I'm still not used to the idea of my dad being gone atau living with my grandmother. On bahagian, atas of all of that, I still have to be a mother to Carter and that only makes me miss my dad more. I feel like I don't belong here, I don't fit in at my grandmother's house! I wonder how long this is going to last!
July 14, 2009,
I was sitting in my grandmother's living room after putting Carter down for a nap and watching TV. I wasn't really watching it though; I was just staring at it thinking about my dad. Grandma walked up to me and sat down. She berkata "it's okay to be sad AJ! I haven't seen anda cry at all!" I looked at her and berkata "that's because I'm not a crier grandma!" She berkata "so anda just going to walk around here every hari all depressed like this!" I berkata "I'm not talking about this anymore!" I ran up to my new room and sat down on the bed. I looked at the picture of dad and I when I was 11 years old and put the picture frame facing down so I didn't have to look at it. I started crying and berkata "I don't know how I'm going to do this! I just want my dad back! I wish everyone would stop asking me how I'm feeling! How do anda think I'm feeling? My dad just died!"
Blanket came into my room as I quickly tried to hide the fact that I have been crying. He berkata as he started to cry "I want daddy to come back too!" He sat down on the katil and I put my arm around him. Blanket berkata "I don't really want to live here AJ!" I berkata "I don't either buddy but; we have to try and make the best of it!" He asked "why did he have to leave us so soon?" I paused searching for an appropriate answer to give a seven-year-old and berkata "I don't know buddy; I guess it was just time for God to take him to heaven." He berkata "I heard that anda going to be a singer just like daddy! Are anda going to leave us here if anda have to go travel somewhere?" I berkata "yeah; but I will always be with anda in your heart! I will call anda all the time when I'm away! I promise that if anda ever need me for anything important; I'll be there!"
August 3, 2009,
Frank texted me a few minit lalu and berkata he wants to have a meeting with me about launching my career. Once he arrived, I let him inside and we went into the spare living room. He berkata "we have to create your image!" I looked at him confused and asked "what do anda mean?" He berkata "a certain style atau way that anda carry yourself that people will remember anda for. lebih importantly something that your future peminat base will remember anda for!" I berkata "oh; now I get it!" He berkata "it's been a long time since I've started the career of an artist from the ground up. What are kids and teens into these days?" I berkata "everything pretty much has to do with social media sites like Twitter, Facebook, and sometimes MySpace!" He berkata "from what I can see with other teenage celebrities, setting up a Twitter account before anda actually get in the studio will make people wonder what you're up to. Just having Michael Jackson as your father will help anda gain peminat-peminat without even doing anything."
I grabbed my laptop and sat back down on the couch. I asked "so what you're saying is that anda think I should make a Twitter account?" He berkata "yeah; just make your nama pengguna direct and to the point. I'll make sure that it becomes a verified account for you." I typed on my keyboard under the nama pengguna section in create an account: @officialAlannaJackson. I asked "what should I send as my first tweet?" He berkata "something that hints to what you're doing atau planning to do but; will leave people wondering." I thought about it for a minit and then typed @officialAlannaJackson: be prepared for what's coming your way!
I asked "what's next?" He berkata "we work on your sense of style!" I berkata "what are anda talking about? I have a great sense of style!" He berkata "I think we should change your hair style because it's the exact same thing as that Bieber kids except yours is blonde. Come on we're going to the hairdresser."
I walked into the bathroom and Frank could hear the buzzcutter running. He stormed in and asked "what do anda think you're doing?" I stood there as I shaved my head back to the fauxhawk that I had a couple years back. He berkata "I can't believe anda just did that without even asking me!" I berkata "listen, it's my head and I'm not just going to walk around with whatever hairstyle anda want me to have. That me being how the rest of Hollywood works but; I'm not doing this for Hollywood, I'm doing it for me! I'm going to wear my usual baggy jeans and sports jerseys because that's what I like. I understand why anda wanted me to cut my hair but; I'm not going to just conform to what society wants me to be because I'm my own person!" Frank just looked at me stunned and berkata "fair enough."
August 5, 2009,
I'm having a hard time coming to terms with my dad not being alive anymore. It still doesn't feel like he's gone! It just feels like he's on vacation and that he will be back soon… Even though I know that's not going to happen! It's definitely one of those times when anda can say "you don't know what you've got until it's gone!"
Having Carter helps me get my mind off of things. He's changed so much already since he has been born. He has the most amazing smile and I can't wait until his teeth grow in because it will be even better! I don't have time to be sad about my dad because I have to take care of my son. That's what my relatives don't understand! It's almost like they want me to fall to my knees and beg for my dad to be back! It's like they think that I don't care! If only they were me they would know how I feel! I miss my dad so much and this is still all so new to me
***
All of us were in the backyard watching Prince and my cousin Jafar playing badminton. Carter was sitting in his bouncy saucer and my grandmother asked "will anda please talk to me about how you're feeling when it comes to your father? I berkata "I don't want to; what part of that don't anda understand?" She berkata "please don't talk to me like that AJ!" I picked Carter up and went inside to my room.
After a few minutes, grandma came in and sat down on my bed. I took one look at her and started crying. She hugged me and berkata "I was waiting for this to happen. It's okay; you're going to get through this!" I berkata "this is so hard! I just want dad back! I'm not used to sharing a house with so many people!" She berkata "just think about it; anda probably won't be here that much when anda start working on your musical career! Plus having so many family members means that Carter will definitely be loved when you're gone!" I worry how all this will play out.
