What do I need to work on as a writer?

I'm kind of a writer too. I write my own Fantasi stories on this journal app I have. That's what I have to write my stuff on. It depends on what anda think anda really need to write your stuff. Do anda know what kind of stuff to write? Do anda know the sum atau the plot of what anda want to write? The setting? The beginning and the end? Just how the entire story is gonna go? The characters and their names? The main character? What all do anda need?

Grammatically wise, anda are doing a pretty good job, but when it comes to character diction, anda could improve. For example, "no offense, but no" starts off really timid(more so in the vein of early Fluttershy) then gets suddenly short and direct(which is lebih in tune with modern Fluttershy). It's an odd piece of dialogue that sends mixed signals about Fluttershy as a character. Since anda are using the human Fluttershy, I would take advantage of the triple dots and have her stutter once and while("w-well...you see..um..*almost to a whisper* I'm so, so, sorry, b-but I
c-can't...sorry..."). Keep in mind the stuttering thing it's useful for socially awkward atau nervous characters as well.

Another example, of bad character diction, would be here: "Too Bad" Celestia being a motherly passive figure, wouldn't be so direct(think lebih Yoda(Star Wars) when Penulisan Celestia), it'll be lebih like this: "A truly essential tunjuk would place equal amount of importance on the audience and the performance itself." Watch a bunch of clips of Celestia if anda have to, but diction(especially in fanfics) is important when portraying a character.

I also thought anda do Trixie's character better as well. Even though she is egotistical and boastful, anda have it portrayed in a very flat manner. anda have to remember her overdramatic superstar side with it, she isn't simply saying she is better than you, but that she empathizing how extraordinary she is through her talent. This is what anda could say is the difference between Rainbowdash's "I'm Awesome" and Trixie's "Tricks up my sleeves". This is why she makes such a big spectacular event in getting something from the vending machine in the first movie. Trixie similarily to Tanaka(from DR2) is a creative Penulisan character. To make her work, and make sure they don't get repetitive anda need to think of unique ways to stress their personalities. As a tip use topi, cap locks to create different meanings and/or emphasize words(i.e WHAT did anda say? What DID anda say?).

Also, as a side note, Dangaronpa and Undertale being text and character-driven games are great places to look when doing character writing. I honestly, wouldn't have known how to critique your fanfic if I haven't been such a big peminat of both DR and UT. Both do an amazing job at creating an atmosphere around their characters(and character diction is important for that).