The Guardian Bidadari (my story) The Guardian Bidadari

Articuno224 posted on Apr 11, 2014 at 08:21PM
The Guardian Angels

The story begins where two siblings find out about how special they are. The girl is named Sophie and she is only 17 years old. She’s been on a journey alone to find her purpose with her powers and what else she is able to do and some things her parents couldn’t teach her. She needed to understand and know many things on her own but when she is returning home she actually didn’t learn that much as she should have. Now she finally returned home and knocked on the door. Someone opened, it was her mother Michel. “Sophie”! Her mother cried out. “Mother” And they hugged each other as Sophie said “I’ve missed you”. “I’ve missed you too my girl, how was your journey?” “I have many things to tell you, but some of them is bad news” “I see as long as you didn’t do anything stupid I’m happy” Michel said. “Let’s go inside, I can’t wait to see Jon and dad” “Oh they’re busy” “Where are they?” Sophie asked her mother. “Your father and your brother is having a secret meeting that only involves men, we’re not allowed to listen or interfere, it’s a rule and let’s respect it” Michel said. “But that’s so unfair; don’t we have any secret meetings?” Sophie asked. “Yes as a matter of fact we do but it’s not today” “Okay, so what do you think they’re really talking about?” “Actually I have no idea but maybe they’re powers, angels or skills, as you know we all have different skills, powers and guardian angels depending on our gender. But as long as they’re not talking about your father being with another woman I’m happy and don’t need to know anything more”. Michel said. “Well I would love to know what they’re talking about” Sophie replied. “Stop being so curious Sophie, there is no need. Just learn to respect that sometimes we’re not allowed to interfere with they’re conversations as well as they’re not always allowed to do with ours”. Sophie didn’t reply and as her mother left she thought that maybe she could spy on her father and brother.

Her brother is named Jon and her father is named Tom. And as they were finishing their conversation Sophie listened closely behind a wall. “Well we will just have to wait and see” Jon said. “Yes, but promise me that you won’t tell this to anyone, not even your mother or sister it’s important” Tom said. “I don’t know if I can keep secrets from them” Jon replied. “Jon… you have to son or I don’t know what I’ll do” Tom said. “Okay, I promise” Jon finally replied. “Good my son, now we are finished here you can go to your mother now and maybe see if your sister have returned” Tom said. As Jon began to leave the room Sophie hurried to get out of sight so she wouldn’t be discovered. She hurried back to the living room. When Jon saw her he said nothing but just stared at her and then Sophie ran towards him and hugged him. “Hi Jon, I’ve missed you brother”. “Yes, I can see that. You seem very happy indeed” Jon replied. “So how have you been? I hear you and Tom have had a secret meeting” Sophie said. “Yes, we’ve been very busy. What about you? How was your journey?” Jon asked “I’m glad you ask because it was quite long and confusing and besides since when do you really care about how I’ve been?” Sophie replied “What’s that supposed to mean?” Jon asked his sister. She didn’t get to reply before they’re parents appeared. “Dad” Sophie said out loud. “How have you been Sophie?” Tom asked his daughter. “That doesn’t matter, now I’m home” “Yes you are” Tom replied.

Jon and Michel just stood there and stared without saying a word, it was like they kept secrets of some kind, then Michel and Jon began to look down on the floor and afterwards looking at each other. They looked sad, but when Sophie and Tom looked their way again they pretended to be alright. What was Michel and Jon so worried about? “Sophie, is it just me or have you really grown?” Tom asked. “Huh? Why do you ask? Do I seem to be a lot bigger than before I left?” Sophie replied. “Hmmm… I don’t know” Tom said. “Then why did you even say it?” Sophie asked him. But before he answered someone knocked on the door. “Who could that be?” Jon said. “We’ll just have to find out” Michel replied. When Michel opened the door there was no one to be seen, so she closed the door again.

A few seconds after she closed the door, the knocking came again. Now they all went to see if there was something outside the door. When they opened it there still wasn’t anything to see, so they went outside and when they were all outside, the door closed behind them. “What’s going on?” Jon said. “I’m starting to get scared” Sophie said. Michel and Tom didn’t say anything but they went to see if they could open the door, but the door was locked. “Damn, what’s this, a ghost of some kind?” Tom said. “Don’t be ridiculous dear, there’s no such thing as ghosts” Michel replied. But then the door suddenly opened. They all looked strangely at each other and went inside.

A man was standing in the living room. He just stared and when they saw him Jon said “Who the hell are you?” The man didn’t answer he just stared. He had no hair, he was a little fat and he looked almost angry. Then Sophie walked closer towards him. The others looked and said “What are you doing Sophie, be careful” “I will” She replied. And when she was close to him she asked him “Are you the one who did this? Are you the one who tricked us?” The man still didn’t answer then Sophie said. “You come bursting into our home, you lock us outside and you won’t even tell us why? There must be a reason?” After a few seconds Sophie started to get annoyed. “WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?” She asked the man again. Now the man finally answered. “I am Tyson, son of Helios. I’ve come on behalf of your master Willem. You girl, have committed treason, you have committed murder. The Temple has been attacked and your master wants you to go there immediately. Come alone he said” Then the man just disappeared into thin air.

Michel, Tom and Jon just stared at Sophie until Michel said. “This can’t be true, tell me it isn’t true Sophie” Sophie couldn’t say anything. “Answer her! Have you really committed murder Sophie? Tom asked her. “Give her time to breathe dad. Sophie we should go there and you shouldn’t go alone, it’s too dangerous” Jon said. “But I have to, don’t you understand?” Sophie replied in a sad and upset manner. “You can’t go alone Sophie, it’s too dangerous. You will take your brother with you” Michel said. Sophie just looked at her parents as they looked back with anger and disappointment. Jon was really the only one who wasn’t so angry at her; he never actually used to be very kind to her but certainly never cruel either. Now her brother seemed to be the only one she could trust and talk to. It was a bit strange that Michel and Tom seemed to believe so much in a total stranger rather than their own daughter.

And as Jon and Sophie left to go to the temple, Michel and Tom started to argue about what the man said. “I’ve never thought she could do such a thing” Michel said. “What if everything he said was a lie?” Tom replied. “You don’t believe him? Then why couldn’t she just tell us the truth, you saw as well as I did that she couldn’t say anything, isn’t that a little suspicious? “Yes but surely it doesn’t mean that she did it” Tom replied. “I don’t know what to believe anymore” Michel said sadly. “I’m as angry and disappointed at her as you are, but we should give her a chance to prove this wrong” Tom said. “And if it turns out to be true, then what?” Michel asked. “I, I don’t know honey” Tom replied sadly as they hugged each other.

Sophie and Jon didn’t even talk to each other as they were heading for the temple. Then Sophie started to say something with a quiet voice. “Jon?” “Yes?” “Why do you hate me?” “Sophie please, I don’t hate you, when did I say this?” “I just feel that you’ve always been a little disappointed in me or you’re just mad at me” “I’m not as angry and upset at you as mom and dad, but I still haven’t forgiven you for what you did to me and mom” Jon said. “I just want you to trust me again, Jon” Sophie said. “Then prove to me that I can, you haven’t exactly proven it so far” Jon said. “I know, but I will prove it to you when we get to the temple” Sophie replied. “A start could be that you stop lying” “I’m not lying! I know I was a lying idiot when I was younger, but I’ve grown brother, I’m not stupid anymore. I will make you proud one day”. “Hopefully, Now let’s get going we’re never going to get there in this tempo” Jon replied.

Beyond these lands in a faraway place there lived a mother and her boy! “Come child” the mother said. The boy walked towards her and said nothing. The boy was 12 years old. “… Yes mother?” he said. “What are you going? “Nothing, I don’t know what you mean” “I see, then what’s all this? “It’s nothing” the boy said. “STOP LYING TO ME! You are 12 years old Brandon; you should know these things by now! The next time I find you doing things you should not I will have you in the stocks” The mother said angry. The mothers name was Silvia! She was a strong but also harsh woman. “I hate her I want to get away from this place Brandon thought” and he cried in his mind without showing any tears.

“We finally made it” Jon said as they were getting near the temple. “Hey look” Sophie said. “What?” Jon asked. “The temple is really damaged, someone must have attacked it who wanted to destroy it” “So you really knew nothing of this? Jon asked her. “I wish my family would someday believe in me. No I didn’t do this Jon” Sophie said. They walked closer to the temple and when they were in front of the gate Sophie stopped. “What’s wrong Sophie?” Jon asked. “We can’t go in there Jon, what if the temple is terribly damaged then it could break while we’re inside. Then we would never get out alive! “I see your point but we didn’t come all this way for nothing so we’re going!” “Your right we have to go in there even if I feel an evil spirit in this place. As they walked inside a strange red light was all over the place! And a few seconds later a voice said “Welcome strangers, welcome to my temple” Then Jon asked “Who are you?” and the voice answered “I’m a guardian of course, the guardian of fire” Jon was surprised “Well that was a new one!” Sophie was in shock and said nothing and now the Guardian spoke again! “Well now that you are finally here, it’s my duty to tell you what happened here! Everyone here died because of an explosion but not any explosion, magic of course! So I’m very sorry for your loss Sophie! Your master was very intelligent and good at heart” “You can’t mean this. Is he dead?” She almost began to cry. She fell on her knees and got a tear in her eyes! “I wasn’t able to save anyone I got here too late I’m afraid but now I took care of it and you know what needs to happen now” The guardian said. “No actually we don’t” Jon replied. “I will join forces with you it’s your destiny since many years ago” “What is that supposed to mean?” Jon asked “It means that after I enter you, you will gain some of my powers and be able to call out for me whenever you need me” “Like are you just going into our minds or something?” Sophie asked “Yes actually, but not any guardian can enter any human the element needs to be the same or at least similar! Which means I can only join forces with you Jon” “Wait WHAT? That’s so unfair” Sophie spoke out loud “Fair or unfair that is the way it is, we can’t chance it. It’s the way of nature Sophie” As both Jon and Sophie watched and still wanted more answers the red light came closer and closer until it flew into Jon and made his eyes glow red and his entire body shake until he fainted! “Jon!” Sophie said out loud.

Back home Michel and Tom was getting worried. “They’ve been gone a long time haven’t they?” Michel said worried. “Calm down I’m sure they will get here soon… a lot of things could be happening you never know how long it could possibly take” Tom replied. Then suddenly the door was destroyed and a lot of men went inside. Michel screamed in shock Tom was shocked as well and he asked the strangers! “Who are you? What are do you think you’re doing? This is our home!” “Relax little man we’re only here for your children! Where are they?” the leader of the men said. “My children, what do you want them for?” Tom asked the man annoyed. “Well that is not your concern, so where are they?” then Michel came closer to Tom and yelled. “If you think we would hand our children over to you when you won’t even tell us why you can think again little man!” Michel said with an angry voice. Tom looked at her worried that she spoke out in that manner. Then the man said “Listen woman! We’re taking them NOW we don’t care what you think! Find them he said to the rest of his men. Michel and Tom now both looked worried at each other not knowing what would happen when they found out that neither Sophie or Jon was in the house. Then one of the men said “We can’t find them, they don’t seem to be here” Then the leader stepped closer to Michel and Tom and cried out as he took hold of Tom “So you think you can hide them for me? For the last time where are they!” he yelled. “They’re not here!” Michel then said. The man stared at Michel for a long time then looked at Tom as he said “Very well then kill the father and let’s take the mother with us!” “NOO don’t!” Michel begged as a man behind Tom stabbed him in the back with a sword! Tom fell dead on the floor and Michel started crying a lot! Then she said “YOU BASTARD!” and she tried to hit the man. He easily grabbed hold of her and then they all left with Michel!

Back with Jon and Sophie they were actually starting to have fun and laughing together as they were travelling back home! “So you never really liked my humour huh?” Sophie asked Jon in a happy manner “No you always sucked at being funny” he said happy. Then there was a moment silence and they both broke out laughing.
But as they were laughing a loud voice yelled “There they are, go get them!” Sophie and Jon looked intense and Jon started to summon the guardian! And his eyes started gloving all red again! Sophie said “Hurry Jon they are coming closer!” As the soldiers came closer The Guardian of Fire was now summoned and said “You will not harm them!” the soldiers stared at the guardian getting all scared! Then out of nowhere there was fire everywhere and the soldiers had no choice but to flee but most of them were already burning! And as some of the soldiers fled and others died burning Jon spoke to his Guardian: “Thank you, you saved our lives we would be dead if it wasn’t for you!” “He is right! Thank you!” Sophie agreed with Jon. The Guardian didn’t say anything at first but then “It was my duty to you! But I fear you’ve got more important things to worry about now!” “What?” Jon asked. The Guardian answered “It seems your parents are in a lot of trouble… you should head home and fast!”

last edited on Apr 21, 2014 at 05:40PM

The Guardian Bidadari (my story) 3 balas

Click here to write a response...
hampir setahun yang lalu Petericia said…
smile
it's great and interesting
hampir setahun yang lalu GameOfSansa said…
cool
This is a lot but it's very exciting to read and people who enjoyed PJ will surely enjoy this one too :)
Articuno224 commented…
Thank you! and sejak PJ, anda mean Percy Jackson, right? xD hampir setahun yang lalu
hampir setahun yang lalu zanhar1 said…
A few things that I think would really help your story; the beginning reads a bit like a summary. Instead of telling it, show it. By this, I mean don't just say, "The story begins where two siblings find out about how special they are. The girl is named Sophie and she is only 17 years old. She’s been on a journey alone to find her purpose with her powers and what else she is able to do and some things her parents couldn’t teach her." Instead show this throughout the story itself. If that makes sense.

Another big thing; hit enter each time a person talks. Readers will have a much easier time figuring out who said what and it's not just a big wall of text. I used to write it how you are and the above was the best advice anyone gave me. :P

On the other hand your grammar, spelling and punctuation, is very good. Usually I have at least 10 typos in the first paragraph lol.

I think you have a very strong concept here. And it's very fast paced. I like a story that can get right to the point and the action is there right from the start. You built some good suspense in leaving it at, "you committed treason." and then mentioning the murder. It's just specific enough to keep the reader hooked but just vague enough to keep 'em guessing. It just works.

I also thought that, that little part with Brandon was intriguing.
Articuno224 commented…
Thanks a lot for your comment! I know that the start wasn't great, but how to begin is often the hardest part of a story, after a while everything else just comes sejak itself. hampir setahun yang lalu
Articuno224 commented…
I would also like to point out that I think I have improved a lot since this chapter, personally I think Chapter 2 is actually really well written. Chapter 3 has most peminat-peminat though xD I also think Chapter 7 (Which I'm Penulisan right now) is well written, easier to follow and understand... also really action packed. hampir setahun yang lalu
Articuno224 commented…
Heh xD hampir setahun yang lalu