Dear Noah,
Why did you let sparkly vampires on the ark?
Sincerely, LM.

LOL

Dear people with bowel problems,

Jasper stole your expressions. I suggest you sue him or act extremely flattered.

Love, Gemonk.

Dear Stephenie Meyer,
unlike you, I don't take 5OO pages to get my point across, so: you suck.
Sincerely, guess who?

Dear Bella,

I wish you'd take a long walk off a short pier.

Gemonk

Deer Edwart

Stop eating deer.
they're cooler than you are.

Lots of Love, (lol, jk, not really, you suck) FredWRules.

Dear Esme,

WTF is wrong with you? It's the 21st century. Women can actually go out and do productive stuff instead of being a stay-at-home mom.

Gemonk

Dear Esme,

Get out of the kitchen

Andie

Dear Alice

WTF is wrong with you?!?!?!??

Love your favorite moo ;)

Dear Ms Meyer

Sh*t book, is sh*t

love the girl who is neither cow nor fish ;)

Dear Meyer,
obvious shit is obvious.
Give up already.
Love, LM.

Dear Edward
I know where you live
Yours, Buffy

Dear women of twilight
make me a sandwich
men of twilight

Dear Leah,
Don't worry. Even if you hang around with sparklepyres you're cool.
Luv, luv, luv, Hecate

Dear Edward,
I can stalk too, Look behind you.
Spike

SPIKE STALK US!

- Andie and Gemonk

Dear Bella

Winky killed Edward . Don't worry, I'm prepard. I'm also sending you a list of very nice, very high cliffs if...You know...Feel the need to disgrace females across the world again.

Just remember that if you jump off the ones with incredibly sharp rocks at the bottom, Edward will umm...Come back to life and...Save you...Yeah, save you.

Hate-I mean from,
Ellie

Dear Bella,
I know the choice between bestiality and necrophilia is hard. So why not go for both?
Sincerely, hoping_for_some_action.

Dear Bella,
I eased your choice of choosing between Edward and Jacob. How? I asked Barney to kill them both. He did it. Even he hates them both.
Lots of hate,
Potato
...
Not very good... ah well

Dear Stephenie Meyer,
First I was like :|
Then I was like :(
Then I started chapter 2
- You-Know-Who

Dear Edward,

You are ginger and supposedly a sex icon. Who the hell do you think you are, Fred Weasley?

Gemonk

P.S. This is for Andie's sake. I like George betta. :)

Dear Edawrd,
You again?
Avada Kedavra!
-Lord Voldemort

Dear Meyer,

You're as talented and creative as a flobberworm.


AVADA KEDAVRA!

Hannah Lupin.

Dear Meyer,

guess what? I write like you! All I need was type chagrin 100 times.

LOL, Gemonk

Dear David Yates,

it's called reading. You should try it some time.

Sincerely, LM.


PS - I know it's not Twilight, but I felt it belonged here due to crapness :)

Dear Edward,

You can never beat the awesomness that is Barty Crouch Jnr. Even though we all blame him and Peter Pettigrew for your existence.

Sincerely, Andie.

Dear Mr. J Black,

the Ministry of Magic has received information that you are an unregistered Animagus. Dementors will be arriving to escort you to Azkaban shortly.

Sincerely, The Department of Magical Security.

LOLZ!

Dear Emmett,

HAHA! You couldn't even beat a girl in Breaking Spawn.

Gemonk

Dear Rosalie,

Ginny could beat you in a bitch fight ANY DAY.

Andie.

Dear Volturi,

at least you tried.

XOXO, GOSSIP GIRL

(This letter has been censored due to inappropriate and absolutely terrifying language)

Dear Caius

If you lay one hand on Remus Lupin, I swear I will *beep* your *beep* and *beep *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* like *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* and then *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* by Voldemort and then get your *beep* *beep* *beep*. Then your *beep* *beep* will get *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* by Bellatrix who will then *beep* your *beep* beep*. THEN you will get you *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep *beep* by Potato! That's *beep* right, POTATO!

*beep*
Ellie

Dear "DR." Carlisle,

Matt Smith is hotter.

Gemonk

^ beyond true.

^Yup.

Dear Billy,

why are you acting like a second stalker to Bella? What, Bella gets two stalkers and I get none? How is that fair?

Gemonk

Dear Voldemort,
If you're going to kill someone, make sure you do it right. Rather that then sparkling.
Sincerely,
me

Dear Mrs Meyer,
We think you should redo your year 3 with us, take Care of Magical Creatures AND Defence against the dark Arts this time.
Sincerely,
The Hogwarts Proffesors

Dear SMeyer,
I recommend that you don't try reading your own books - you can't afford to lose any more brain cells.
Sincerely, me.

Dear SM,
Kindly give the Midnight Sun back to Cass and Max-Earnest, the police are on your trail.
-Me

Dear Tyler,
You tried but then apologized. WHY?!
Go to hell -_-
-Lisa
P.S. Can I borrow your van? Also, see tomorrow's paper for a murder about a girl named Bella who was hit by a van... >_>

Dear Jacob Black,
Sirius called. He wants his motorcycle, last name and power back.

With the up most regards,
Lemony

^Nice XD!

Thanks:) lol

Dear Bella,
I'm smarter than you.
Sincerely, Karen Smith

Dear Edward,
Are we related?
Sincerely, Sparkleworks

Dear Bella,
You're an insult to the female gender and women.
Sincerely, Susan B. Anthony

Dear Edward,
I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE
sincerly, Bella
(Lestrange)

Dear Twilight,

my whole school hates you.

Cheers, Gemonk

Dear J.K. Rowling,
You give us lupin and tonks back
and i'll make sure cedric stops sparkling
Sincerly, Izzy

Dear Caius,
Please take off your lucius malfoy disguise
your not fooling anyone
Sincerly, Narcissa

Dear Mr E Cullen

Here's a complimentary Niffler to go with your monthly subscription to 'The Glitter Way' magazines, along with our newest item, pink body glitter!

Sincerely,
The Glitter Way team

Ps. Please read next week's edition, where you learn how to seduce teenage girls decades younger than you without seeming pedophilic, stalkerish, or creepy in any way at all! And all with a tube of body glitter!

(Two Hours Later)
Harry: It looks like this is where he got the Niffler *Shows Ron letter*
Ron: Now that that's all cleared up, let's get these body parts up to the Ministry and burn them
Harry: Yeah, it's too bad that the poor guy did-Wait, does it say E Cullen? As in Edward Cullen?
Ron: Yes. Yes it does *Ron checks the letter again*
Harry: *Looks at Niffler in the corner of the room* I guess we've got a new hero *Picks up Niffler and shows it to the world* I PRESENT TO YOU...THE KILLER OF EDWARD CULLEN!
Whole world: *Cheers loudly*
Bella: *Jumps off cliff*
Whole world: *Cheers even louder*

Sorry, I couldn't resist putting that last part in, even though it's not part of the letter. It's not really funny, but hey, pretty good for someone about to drop off from sleepiness!

^ WIN