As I am walking the pantai I listen to the waves crash upon the shore. I can feel the warmth of the sun on my face. For the moment the beast inside is quieted. That inner voice that has told me all my life I am not good enough and I can never be “one of them.” That voice that reminds me when anda open your hati, tengah-tengah anda get hurt. It was only for the moment though that the beast was resting. I knew that I had to deal with the rage and the anger that I had managed to keep barely underneath the surface for all this time. All my crutches were gone. The vicodin, the hookers, and even the cases didn’t calm the rage. I had managed to alienate the only two people that I needed the most because they were now my problem. Wilson thought I could go on and anda just wanted me to alih on.
How could I alih on from you? How could I ever forget what anda felt like and how anda tasted? How could I forget the touch that sent waves of passion through my being? All those nights that I sank so deep inside anda and felt the explosions from your body were etched inside my brain and my heart.
I tried to avoid these feelings, to numb them, to fill every moment with something, hoping and waiting for the hari that I would open my eyes from a night of self medicating, and the pain would be gone. That morning had not come. I had tried to resolve things with “you” to go back to the start. I wanted desperately to let anda go and to alih ke hadapan but when that moment came and I felt anda slipping away it overwhelmed me and the desperation overtook me. If I let go I will never feel this again. anda make me alive.
For years I had wanted you. I had waited because I didn’t think it would work. What did I do that had been so bad that anda were leaving me? Wilson, years prior, had told me I was afraid to change. “I didn’t like myself but I did admire myself.” I had taken the words to heart. I had a gift but if it meant choosing between that gift and Cuddy my choice was Cuddy.
I still remember anda kneeling at my side and coming to my rescue. I remember how your lips tasted and your body felt. I remember with each pakaian I removed how it revealed just one lebih part of anda that I wanted to claim as my own. I remember every night that I held you. Every night I made Cinta to you. How anda felt and how I felt inside you. anda belong to me. anda were made for me.
anda wanted me to talk but it was so we could alih on. I avoided anda for that very reason. anda berkata anda wanted to know how I felt. Everyone had berkata that but they never meant it. They really just wanted me to accept the truth, come to terms with reality and deal with it. They wanted to silence me but never really deal with my feelings. What anda wanted was to leave me behind.
When I told anda I felt hurt I was so close to telling anda that I didn’t know how to alih on. I don’t know how to let anda go. Please tell me what I did. But I told anda that it wasn’t your fault. I couldn’t stop the pain.
I saw anda through the window with your hand on his arm and smiling. That was supposed to be us and it was supposed to be me that anda were smiling at and that your hand was resting on. Why couldn’t anda Cinta me? Those words coursed through my mind replaying itself like a bad record.
I stood there with the brush in my hand and the hati, tengah-tengah that had been breaking inside me was finally crushed into a million pieces. As I walked back I realized I had held anda for the last time. Everyone that I had ever loved had left. But I was able to alih on. It was true I needed anda but I was really learning how to love. I had fallen in Cinta with you. I tried to tell Wilson and anda but anda both wanted me to pick up the pieces and go on. I didn’t know how.
I came to your house to make peace and to see if we could leave the door open and try to work things out. I wanted to listen to anda and see what anda needed and what anda wanted from a man. I wanted to be that man for you. When I saw anda had moved on I couldn’t imagine him touching anda and holding you. I ……………………
As I returned to the car I saw Wilson. He had tried to help me work out my problems and to deal with my anger. I was about to do that. I was about to solve all my problems and put an end to all questions. If I couldn’t get jawapan I would make up my own. I bowed my head just a bit and urged Wilson to get out of the car. Even to the last moment he was trying to get me to talk. I pulled the door shut and pushed the pedal to the floor. I don’t know why I couldn’t just drive away and give it time.
I miss anda Cuddy and I Cinta you. I can’t walk away so I will do something that is so totally unforgivable that going back will never be an option. If anda hate me then maybe I can learn to hate you. I rather anda hate me than pity me. I do not want your pity. I sit there staring at your house for a moment and then when I knew anda had enough time to be in the other room I crushed the gas pedal and I saw Wilson fall, “I hope he got out of the way” and I smashed through your dining room.
I looked into your eyes and all I saw was fear. I would never hurt anda atau maybe that is all I ever knew how to do. anda were shaking and I still wanted to hold anda but I knew anda would never let me near anda again.
How could I alih on from you? How could I ever forget what anda felt like and how anda tasted? How could I forget the touch that sent waves of passion through my being? All those nights that I sank so deep inside anda and felt the explosions from your body were etched inside my brain and my heart.
I tried to avoid these feelings, to numb them, to fill every moment with something, hoping and waiting for the hari that I would open my eyes from a night of self medicating, and the pain would be gone. That morning had not come. I had tried to resolve things with “you” to go back to the start. I wanted desperately to let anda go and to alih ke hadapan but when that moment came and I felt anda slipping away it overwhelmed me and the desperation overtook me. If I let go I will never feel this again. anda make me alive.
For years I had wanted you. I had waited because I didn’t think it would work. What did I do that had been so bad that anda were leaving me? Wilson, years prior, had told me I was afraid to change. “I didn’t like myself but I did admire myself.” I had taken the words to heart. I had a gift but if it meant choosing between that gift and Cuddy my choice was Cuddy.
I still remember anda kneeling at my side and coming to my rescue. I remember how your lips tasted and your body felt. I remember with each pakaian I removed how it revealed just one lebih part of anda that I wanted to claim as my own. I remember every night that I held you. Every night I made Cinta to you. How anda felt and how I felt inside you. anda belong to me. anda were made for me.
anda wanted me to talk but it was so we could alih on. I avoided anda for that very reason. anda berkata anda wanted to know how I felt. Everyone had berkata that but they never meant it. They really just wanted me to accept the truth, come to terms with reality and deal with it. They wanted to silence me but never really deal with my feelings. What anda wanted was to leave me behind.
When I told anda I felt hurt I was so close to telling anda that I didn’t know how to alih on. I don’t know how to let anda go. Please tell me what I did. But I told anda that it wasn’t your fault. I couldn’t stop the pain.
I saw anda through the window with your hand on his arm and smiling. That was supposed to be us and it was supposed to be me that anda were smiling at and that your hand was resting on. Why couldn’t anda Cinta me? Those words coursed through my mind replaying itself like a bad record.
I stood there with the brush in my hand and the hati, tengah-tengah that had been breaking inside me was finally crushed into a million pieces. As I walked back I realized I had held anda for the last time. Everyone that I had ever loved had left. But I was able to alih on. It was true I needed anda but I was really learning how to love. I had fallen in Cinta with you. I tried to tell Wilson and anda but anda both wanted me to pick up the pieces and go on. I didn’t know how.
I came to your house to make peace and to see if we could leave the door open and try to work things out. I wanted to listen to anda and see what anda needed and what anda wanted from a man. I wanted to be that man for you. When I saw anda had moved on I couldn’t imagine him touching anda and holding you. I ……………………
As I returned to the car I saw Wilson. He had tried to help me work out my problems and to deal with my anger. I was about to do that. I was about to solve all my problems and put an end to all questions. If I couldn’t get jawapan I would make up my own. I bowed my head just a bit and urged Wilson to get out of the car. Even to the last moment he was trying to get me to talk. I pulled the door shut and pushed the pedal to the floor. I don’t know why I couldn’t just drive away and give it time.
I miss anda Cuddy and I Cinta you. I can’t walk away so I will do something that is so totally unforgivable that going back will never be an option. If anda hate me then maybe I can learn to hate you. I rather anda hate me than pity me. I do not want your pity. I sit there staring at your house for a moment and then when I knew anda had enough time to be in the other room I crushed the gas pedal and I saw Wilson fall, “I hope he got out of the way” and I smashed through your dining room.
I looked into your eyes and all I saw was fear. I would never hurt anda atau maybe that is all I ever knew how to do. anda were shaking and I still wanted to hold anda but I knew anda would never let me near anda again.