{Warning: Mention of suicide. Please don’t read if it triggers you.}

I don’t know what to do. I feel numb. Empty. Alone. Lost. It feels surreal, really. And I really wish it was.

“Justin, honey?” Mom’s voice is gentle as it brings me out from my dark and haunting thoughts. I slowly look up from my intertwined fingers placed in my lap.

“Yeah?” I croak out, biting my bottom lip to desperately stop the tears pressing on at the back of my eyes.

“Oh, honey.” And she’s there almost before the words leave her lips; on her knees in front of me while clasping my shaking hands in her own.

It still hasn’t sunken in that Y/N is dead. She took her own life. She’s gone - forever. Maybe it will never sink fully in. The Cinta of my life is dead and it feels like it’s all my fault. If I had just gotten there a little earlier… If I had called her before I left… If I had just…

“You weren’t there, mom. anda didn’t see how pale and vulnerable she looked. And the pills… Mom, there were so many pills.” My voice cracks and I just give up on the idea to stay strong right there.

Mom coos softly and wraps her small arms around my trembling body. I let the tears fall freely as she hugs me tightly against her. It doesn’t take long until Y/N’s living room echoes with my sobs.

I can feel mom’s tears making a wet patch on the shoulder of my baju which only makes it twice as bad. To know that my mom is crying because my girlfriend is gone - it hurts. Y/N had so many that cared so much about her, yet she still took her life.

“It hurts, mom. I-I didn’t even-even say goodbye.”

“Shh. I know, baby, I know. I know anda loved her very much and I know how hard it is going to be for anda during the seterusnya few weeks, but anda know that she wouldn’t want anda to be depressed about this, right? Although we can’t understand it now, I’m sure she had a reason.” She pulls away and kisses my forehead gently.

“Why don’t anda go outside and Scooter will drive anda home, hmm? I’ll be utama soon. I just have to talk with an officer and Y/N’s mom, okay?”

I only nod numbly and untangle myself from mom’s petite body. She wraps my clammy hand in her own and I’m in my own state of mind as she leads me towards the front door. I barely register weaving through the mass of people and before I know it, Scooter is helping me into my own bedroom.

That’s how I am when mom comes back utama later; in my bed, buried under the covers. It still smells from Y/N’s sweet perfume which only brings me to think about all the good memories we shared in this bed.

My door creaks open and mom pops her head through the crack. She smiles sadly when she sees me and when she meets my eyes, she takes it as a yes to enter my room.

She sits down on the edge of my katil with a small sigh. I watch curiously as she fingers a crinkled paper as she inhales deeply. When she meets my eyes again, I can easily see the shine of unshed tears.

“The officers found this, in the drawer of Y/N’s bedside table. It’s for you.” Her voice is hoarse and I know for a fact that she has cried lebih after I left. She places the note on my covered torso, pats my thigh and then she’s gone again.

I don’t know what to expect as I reach for the paper, but I can’t help but feel like the air disappears from my lungs when I see the headline. This is it. This is Y/N’s suicide note.

Dear, Justin

Remember how we used to make fun of people always starting their letters like this?

First of all; I’m sorry. I know you’re gonna miss me. I’m gonna miss anda too, believe me. It’s just… I couldn’t do it anymore, Justin. It was all too hard. The hate from your fans, the pressure from everyone around me, school… Everything.

I just want anda to know one thing - this is not your fault. Please, do not blame yourself. Trust me when I say this, anda have nothing with me taking my life. It was just too much and I couldn’t deal with it.

anda might think I’m a coward for ending it without really trying to fix it - but I’m just not strong enough. I can’t, Justin. I really can’t. So… That’s why I’m doing this.

I really am sorry. I will be here up in heaven, watching over you, your family, my family and the crew. I’ll make sure each one of anda are safe, I promise.

Just know that I Cinta anda very, very much. It hurts so bad to think that I’ll never get to Ciuman anda again, that you’ll never hold me in your arms again. We will never get married and have the life we’ve talked about. It hurts. But I have to do this and I’m sorry.

I Cinta you, Justin.

Forever & always,

Y/N

I’m practically sobbing once again when I’m done with the note. I don’t know if I appreciate the note atau if I wish that mom would have never telah diberi it to me. This is the only goodbye I have from her.

So that’s how I fall asleep; crying while clutching the beautifully handwritten note.