The Big Bang Theory premiere recap: 'The Conjugal Conjecture' 

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'The Big Bang Theory': Are Sheldon and Amy moving in together?

left us with quite a cliffhanger last season. Will Sheldon and Leonard’s mom and dad hook up before the wedding? Are these two physicists destined to be more than just roommates? Chuck Lorre wastes no time answering that question, as the premiere episode picks up exactly where we left off. Sheldon is concerned Leonard’s father is doing unspeakable things to his mother, no matter how many times Penny assures him people their parents’ age probably finished doing the deed hours ago. Sheldon easily moves on to other worries: A grown man living with his brother and his brother’s wife is weird. (You think?)

Leonard’s mom, Beverly, arrives the next morning and breaks the news that she won’t be able to attend the wedding. She refuses to stay while Alfred (Leonard’s dad) parades around with a Bible-thumping bumpkin (a.k.a. Sheldon’s mom). Penny reminds Beverly that if she leaves, it will prove Alfred got under her skin. We can’t have that. Sheldon also points out that with all the coitus going on, they’ll all need a skilled psychologist. Everyone wins!

Across town, Howard is still worried the government is out to confiscate his fancy gyroscope. While he and Bernadette discuss how his paranoia landed him a $500 speeding ticket (and inability to walk a straight line, thanks to performance anxiety,) Raj answers the door and discovers a man by the name of Colonel Williams (

’s Dean Norris) looking dashing in a military uniform. Raj pretends Howard isn’t home and promises to relay the message to call Colonel Williams. Big brother for the win! Do you think Howard will give up his invention? What about the trust fund for future baby Wolowitz?

Meanwhile, Penny picks up her family from the airport and we finally meet her mother, Susan (played by

’s Katey Sagal). (Fun fact: Sagal portrayed Kaley Cuoco’s mom in

more than a decade ago.) We also meet Penny’s brother, played by Jack McBrayer. Randall is basically the same character as Kenneth the Page on

, but crystal-meth tendencies have replaced the latter’s podunk innocence.

While the family with no last name makes their way to the apartment, Sheldon goes for broke and asks Alfred if he defiled his mother. I’m sure Mary’s genitals are a joy to behold, just like her son’s, but Alfred did not have coitus with Mary. They simply shared a cab. However, they have discussed visiting each other. Beverly scoffs, assuming Alfred is trying to antagonize her. Alfred admits her discomfort is a happy coincidence. Mary announces she genuinely likes Alfred and it’s Sheldon’s turn to scoff. How can she be attracted to mediocre academic acclaim and subpar sexual prowess?

Sheldon’s point? Alfred needs to slow his roll. Sheldon and Amy didn’t hold hands for two whole years. Yes, it was much hotter than it sounds, but Alfred needs to take a cold shower and Mary needs to stop making Jesus sad with all her corrupt behavior.

The time for the ceremony finally arrives, along with Stuart who scores a front-row seat between the Hofstadters. Bernadette officiates while Amy plays the harp in a beautiful outdoor pavilion. Penny professes her love for Leonard and congratulates their very smart decision to elope the first time. Leonard declares he doesn’t understand why someone like Penny could end up with someone like him, but he pushes away the apparent lack of logic and decides to just be grateful.

Suddenly, Sheldon hops up to make an announcement. He can’t wait any longer! As Amy leans in for this big moment, Sheldon storms up to join the bride and groom (you’ll get him next time, Amy!) and announces he has always considered Leonard family, even before the fornication rumors. Bernadette pronounces the trio as man and wife…and the weird other husband who came with the apartment. Mazel tov!

Wyatt: “He was cooking and selling crystal meth, Susan. I think we can let the cigarettes slide.”

Bernadette: “If you want to go off the grid, you have to move out of your mother’s house.”

Susan: “We don’t want them thinking we are white trash.”

Randall: “What color trash do you think they’ll believe?”

Bernadette: “Love is patient, but it’s not going to put up with all this side chatter, so knock it off!”

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