September 9th

Hello. I’m David. My Friends call me Dave atau Davey. But, since I do not have friends, anda may call me David. And I regret to inform that, sejak seterusnya year, I will die. Perhaps it is best if I start back from the beginning, from this morning. I had woken up in a daze, my head feeling funny. I gave it a scratch. It felt very satisfying. I had made my usual cup of coffee, black, no sugar atau cream, along with my usual breakfast: Prescribed medication to make my brain all better. I had been taking this medication for a while now. I believe it was to help with my extreme seizures and violent headaches. My doctor had me come in each bulan for a check-up. I didn’t know why. I felt just fine, really. But, the doctor knows best, I suppose. I went to the office, the stench of doctor office permeated the air. I’m not sure how to describe the smell of a doctor’s office waiting room. I just call it waiting room smell. The doctor dragged me into his office, his single strand of hair on his chin making me a little uncomfortable. The doctor looked at me and then back to his clipboard. He did this for several minit before he finally spoke. “You have a deadly brain tumor. At this rate, there may be nothing we can do. I’m afraid anda may only have a tahun to live.”, he said. I wasn’t quite sure how I should take this news. I just kinda got up, thanked him for the news, and after talking with him a little more, I walked out and headed home. It was the first time today that I noticed the black clouds looming over my head, already blocking out the sky.

September 16th

It’s been about a week since I received the news of my tumor. Though the thought of having a tahun to live was still always in my head, life went on as normal. My house would always have that one leak in the dapur closet whenever it rained, my car would always have a large scratch on the side from someone hitting it with their car door, the people would always pass sejak me without a word, and I would always come across the same dead cat that must have died from some sort of blunt strike to the head, giving the large wound on it’s head and it’s cracked skull. I made my way to my job at Blank Co., a paper manufacturing company. The slogan of the company was to make the whitest paper imaginable. The interior of the place was all white. White cubicles, white computers, white desks, white uniforms, and only susu to drink. No coffee. All of the workers here in Blank Co. were also white, which really does explain the bosses hatred of black people. I sat at my cubicle and got to work, typing away on my crappy computer, with a cat on the desktop. A white cat, I should add. As I worked, Ted, a coworker of mine, asked if he could borrow some tacks. I berkata to him “Sure” and reached into my drawer. Ouch! I pricked my finger. Blood had already begun to run down my finger. It was the first time I’ve seen my blood in years. I tried to clean it up, but ended up getting some blood on my uniform and meja and floor. I didn’t think I cut this deep. It was real deep. I tried my best to block the blood, but it just kept getting on my shirt. It wasn’t long before Mr. Blank himself came to see the mess of blood everywhere. And that was the hari I got fired.

September 25th

I sat inside my apartment, looking up at the ceiling fan. I should really think about dusting this thing off once in awhile, I thought to myself as I continued to watch it alih around. I got up the saat I heard a ringing in my ear. It kept going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going. I thought for a saat that I must have been going insane. If this noise kept going, I may have tried to smash my head with my car door. As I had already planned to head outside to the car, keys in hand, I noticed the sumber of the ringing. It was just my phone. I picked it up to see who would be calling me at this time. It was Julia, my current girlfriend. I hadn’t heard from her in a while, after that embarrassing moment where I tried to advance on her in a drunken stupor, resulting in my smashing my head onto the meja, jadual and knocking myself unconscious. I think she called the hospital and left after that. She said, “Hey, do anda wanna go and get some coffee”. “Okay.”, I berkata before I hung up. I made my way to our local coffee shop, where she was already at, standing at the back end of the shop, leaving the kerusi, tempat duduk across from her open. The kerusi, tempat duduk had a dinding against it, so no one could stand behind it. I was perfectly fine with this, as the thought of people behind me, my back shown to the whole world, got under my skin, like a grotesque insect. She ordered her usual coffee, with cream and sugar, and I had a usual black. Julia was wearing her usual uniform, a sweater with a jaket over it, a skirt, some leggings, and black shoes. Seeing her in this uniform was nice, but my mind wondered to what she wore underneath it, and then what she hid underneath that. I accidently got a boner as she was going on about her job, and I did my best to hide it sejak gently moving my legs. I could feel the one girl at the cash register looking at me, but not really saying a word to me. Julia and I walked utama the rest of the way, as she went on about her mother. It got me thinking, I should go and see mom some time. I heard she got a nice bouquet of Ros from my sister Grace. Julia told me goodnight, and without a hug atau a Ciuman atau even a smile, she turned and went the other way. That night, I cried and masturbated.

October 3rd

I woke up this morning once again to feel a strange itch on my head. I gave it a scratch. I could have sworn I felt a soft lump on it. Perhaps it was just another gross pimple, hidden within my hair. I’ll have to work on popping it and getting the blood and pus out later. I sat at the meja, jadual and had a bag of chips. It was odd, eating chips in silence, and at the breakfast meja, jadual of all places. I guess it didn’t really matter, as long as I was eating. I read the bag as I ate, and noticed the amount of fats and other unhealthy things within it. I immediately set the bag down, feeling utterly disappointed in myself. I should go for a run sometime, I thought to myself. I made my way outside so that I could go in hopes that a walk would get those awful fats out of me. The black clouds seemed to still loom over my head. I decided to walk around the block at least a hundred times. Along my way, I saw that same cat corpse again. I noticed a small trail of ants coming from the cracks in the sidewalk to the cat’s body. They seemed pretty defensive as I walked past it, not wanting me anywhere near their feast. They could have it, I thought. I’m not really hungry at the moment. I passed the red and brown bricks. I think this is where those homeless men urinate daily. I made my way around where I could see the heavy traffic, and the side of the road lined with fast Makanan bags and used cigarettes. I finally made my way back to the front of the apartment. I made it this far, I thought I might as well keep going. Along my way, I saw that same cat corpse again. I noticed a small trail of ants coming from the cracks in the sidewalk to the cat’s body. They seemed pretty defensive as I walked past it, not wanting me anywhere near their feast. They could have it, I thought. I’m not really hungry at the moment. I passed the red and brown bricks. I think this is where those homeless men urinate daily. I made my way around where I could see the heavy traffic, and the side of the road lined with fast Makanan bags and used cigarettes. I finally made my way back to the front of the apartment. I made it this far, I thought I might as well keep going. Along my way, I saw that same cat corpse again. I noticed a small trail of ants coming from the cracks in the sidewalk to the cat’s body. They seemed pretty defensive as I walked past it, not wanting me anywhere near their feast. They could have it, I thought. I’m not really hungry at the moment. I passed the red and brown bricks. I think this is where those homeless men urinate daily. I made my way around where I could see the heavy traffic, and the side of the road lined with fast Makanan bags and used cigarettes. I finally made my way back to the front of the apartment. I made it this far, I thought I might as well keep going.Along my way, I saw that same cat corpse again. I noticed a small trail of ants coming from the cracks in the sidewalk to the cat’s body. They seemed pretty defensive as I walked past it, not wanting me anywhere near their feast. They could have it, I thought. I’m not really hungry at the moment. I passed the red and brown bricks. I think this is where those homeless men urinate daily. I made my way around where I could see the heavy traffic, and the side of the road lined with fast Makanan bags and used cigarettes. I finally made my way back to the front of the apartment. I made it this far, I thought I might as well keep going. Eventually, I Lost motivation and just went back inside, and masturbated myself to sleep.

October 27th

Halloween seemed to be coming fast. My mother wouldn’t let me celebrate Halloween as she berkata that they gave out razor blades to kids and I would slice up my mouth and cut out my tongue and cut my throat open before choking on my own blood. She had an odd way of describing things that were too dangerous for me. As I sat at my TV, watching reruns of the same sitcom that I’ve seen a hundred times, I noticed a tikus crawling along the floor. It was an ugly creature, just currying back and forth. It kinda made me ill. I didn’t have any poison atau tetikus traps, so I just had to use whatever I had. Since I had nothing better to do, I waited outside the houle it made for itself, and waited for it to come out. It must have been hours, as the little bastard just didn’t want to come out. Finally, it seemed to poke it’s head out, as I lied still for the right moment. Finally, when the creature was right where I wanted him, I used the hammer I had held onto and swung down, striking the tikus in the head. It’s eye must have flown a few feet, and I know that I got some blood on my face and all over the wall. The tikus seemed to still be somewhat alive, it’s body twitching, so for good measure, I gave it a couple lebih whacks. After doing so, I just kinda stared at the creature, it’s lifeless corpse. I hear that, the eyes of a dead person are so much different from that of a living person. Well, seeing as how I smashed it’s head into the perfect fit for a tuna can, I don’t think I can pasti that. But, it definitely did look different than when it was alive. I tried to eat dinner, but kinda Lost my appetite after the rat, and threw my meal away.

November 8th

The winter season seemed to be coming soon. With winter comes all the snow and ice, so I knew that I would have to dress warm soon. No doubt everyone else was. I looked in my closet to prepare myself for the cold winter. All I seemed to have was a scarf that my grandmother knitted for me. I put it on around my neck. It seems like this would have to do for the winter. I got another call from Julia. She asked if she wanted to go to the coffee kedai again. “Okay.”, I said, and I made my way to the kedai again. As I parked my car, I noticed that Julia was already inside, talking with another man. I had never seen this man before, but looking at his face, I could tell he had everything. A job, a house, and especially, a life. I didn’t think that Julia would try to leave me for someone else. It pained me to see it. I didn’t bother going in. I was too broken inside to care. I drove back home, depressed, betrayed, and angered. To think she’d cheat on me with some asshole. That lying bitch! That backstabbing slut! That dirty whore would be better off dead! What I wouldn’t give to just wring her neck until I could hear it snap in two. I wanted to take a gun to her head and then follow suit sejak blowing my own goddamn brains out. I hate that bitch! I hate her! As I sat in sorrow, I got a call from her. I answered, and she asked why I didn’t come. I wanted to tell her that I knew of her new lover, and how she was just a lying cunt, but when I opened my mouth, I said, “I had a doctor’s appointment.”. She then told me that it probably wouldn’t be the best time anyway, since she had to spend the hari with her brother, after his wife left him and gained custody of their children. I told her it was alright and told her goodnight. That night, I just sat in silence.

November 20th

I was taken back to the Doctor’s office. I sat in the waiting room once again. If it’s such an emergency visit, why do I have to wait for all the other people who probably just need to get a doctor’s fist in their ass, I thought. There was a fat lady Membaca a magazine on attractive men, despite her bratty kid constantly screaming at her and striking her in the leg with his fists. There was also an old man constantly coughing seterusnya to me. The nurse at the window was just chewing gum, and in a rather loud manner. This one woman was on the phone, constantly laughing in a very obnoxious tone. There was a tiny man who kept blowing snot into his rag. That is all the waiting room was filled with. Screaming, coughing, chewing, laughing, blowing, screaming, coughing, chewing, laughing, blowing, screaming, coughing, chewing, laughing, blowing, screaming, coughing, chewing, laughing, blowing, screaming, coughing, chewing, laughing, blowing, screaming, coughing, chewing, laughing, blowing, Screaming, Coughing, Chewing, Laughing, Blowing- I was finally called into the doctor’s office after waiting patiently. My Doctor continued to examine the strange parts of my brain. He wasn’t sure as to what exactly the tumor was I had, but he berkata that it seemed to be getting worse sejak the minute. I could feel another itch on my head, so I gave it a scratch. This time, it feels like the little pimple on my head grew a little. It must be filled with blood, just waiting to be popped open. The doctor berkata that I should try and do whatever I must in the remaining time I had left. With this thought in mind, I decided to go and buy some milk.

December 23rd

I was finally able to visit my mother today. Grace already visited her many times this year, so I thought I should at least see how she is doing. I made my way to where she lived, with a nice bouquet of Bunga in hand. They weren’t roses, but I felt that she would enjoy them. I approached my mother. She looked exactly the same as she did last year. A single stone tablet that read “Here Lies Mom”. She didn’t seem to grow a hari older. She did have some moss on the side, but I’m sure a nice barber could fix that. I gave my mother the flowers, and asked how she was doing. She didn’t say a word to me. I asked again how she was doing. No answer. Was she allergic to the flowers? No. Of course not. I know what was wrong. She was upset that I hadn’t visited her atau even called her in months. My tumor is no reason to ignore my mother, and I know that. I didn’t want to be a bother to her any longer and just decided to head home. On the way home, I felt another itch and scratched it. That bump started to get bigger. I don’t think that was a pimple. Perhaps I should buy a hat.

January 3rd

The snow had begun to fall again from the dark clouds. The hat I bought seemed to fit me nicely. It seemed to almost hide my unkempt hair and the large bump that had started to grow even lebih on my head. Whatever the bump was, it clearly wasn’t a pimple. Did it have something to do with that tumor thing? I decided not to think of it for long and decided to go and buy lebih milk. The last one went bad a couple of weeks ago. I don’t know why I even buy this. I’m lactose intolerant after all. I guess it just gives me a reason to go outside nowadays. I made my way to the store. The car was out of gas and I didn’t feel like putting the effort to put lebih in it. I made my way down the snow covered street. The dead cat that was always on the sidewalk seemed to be buried underneath the snow. I didn’t know what it looked like now, but telah diberi how much time has past, it probably isn’t a good sight now. As I walked down the street, a white car pulled up seterusnya to me. It was Julia’s car, and she wore her usual jacket, only now with a scarf covering her mouth. It must be hot in that car of hers, what with the heat on high to help with the cold winter. I had lebih fascinations of her without her kot on, but the cold weather kept me from getting erect again. Julia asked if I wanted a lift. Thought I needed the exercise to walk, I decided that maybe I could skip one hari of walking and got into the car. As I sat in the car, the heat blowing in my face in a rather obnoxious way, getting my hair into the angle I didn’t like, Julia began to talk to me about what she wanted to do with her life and if there was really anything worth looking ke hadapan to. That really did make me think a lot. What is there to expect from life. Of course, with how things have been going for me, I really don’t have much to look ke hadapan to in life. When we got to the store, I bought another cart, troli of milk, and awaited for this one to spoil in the fridge as well.

February 14th

Today was Valentine’s Day. Julia wasn’t really one to celebrate it, since she wasn’t able to go to public places that were the coffee shop. She wasn’t used to a place filled with unfamiliar people. I decided to just spend my Valentine’s hari sejak watching whatever was on TV. There was a romantic comedy on about a woman trying to get the attention of a man after she cheated on him. Perhaps it was best the man stayed away from her. Anyone who cheats isn’t exactly worthy of any Cinta atau happiness, atau that is what I think anyway. I decided to change the channel to a nature documentary. The program showed many different Haiwan and how ants could tear apart a bug in saat and how ducks are known to rape each other. Nature isn’t exactly as beautiful as people make it out to be. But, I noticed the many trees. The trees seemed to be big and green. That looks very lovely, I thought to myself. What I wouldn’t give to have a pokok like that. But, I live in the big city. Seeing a pokok is rather rare, and most likely just a fake one made of some other substance. But the trees here were very fascinating. I think, after the winter season has passed, I may take a look at a lovely tree. I then went to bed, after masturbating violently, of course. I think I must have peeled some skin as I did.

March 24th

I decided to drive out of town. I made sure to call Julia and tell her I would be out for a bit, and I even made sure to call mom. She didn’t seem to respond again. I guess she must still be upset, even after the winter season had ended. Though it was finally spring, the black clouds didn’t seem to let up. I made my way out to the country, where there were plenty of planes and many crops, but not a pokok in sight. I drove for what felt like hours before I finally came across it. A single tree, grown in an odd way, like it was perpecahan, berpecah in half an into an upside-down arch. But leaves, green ones, grew from the top, shading it in from the black clouds. I walked up to the structure of nature. I stared at the brown bark and sprouting leaves. I planted myself underneath the tree, and sat there. And sat there. And sat there. I felt another itch on the bump, and began to scratch it. It felt as though a small head was growing from my head. It didn’t exactly feel too pleasant and I could feel my headaches only getting worse. It was a good thing I got this hat to hide such a thing. But, sitting under this tree, seemed to make many of my problems seem so distant.

April 7th

The Doctor pulled me into his office once again. This time, he seemed to have good news for me. At this point, I didn’t seem to have much use for good news. The Doctor looked over my records again and told me, “You seem not to have a tumor after all. It seemed to be an actual nasty pimple after all, and that the effects they saw was nothing lebih than a coffee stain on my X-Rays. In other news, I should be fine”. To think that this entire “tumor” caused sejak to lose my job, go hungry for months and nearly murder my girlfriend. To think that this “tumor” was nothing lebih than some goddamn acne that has been making my life even lebih unbearable. And at this point, with all the conversations I’ve had with Julia about a sad future, about my mother constantly ignoring me, and about death seeming to be everywhere I go, and now, at this time, I am telah diberi a chance to live. But after all this, I don’t want to live. I just want to die.

April 24th

Here I sit, hungry, unemployed, the rats giving my fingertips a little nibble as they pass by. I decided to get rid of that disgusting pimple. Having swollen like a balloon, it was hard to get rid of, but I managed. I just needed a long, cold pancuran, pancuran mandian to get the blood and pus out from my hair. I decided to keep the hat, at least until the excess from the wound healed. I decided to walk out. The cat seemed to have been eaten mostly and completely. Ants and flies still swarmed it, but most of it was long gone. The clouds were still completely black, and not a single ray of sunshine cut through. There was a car accident on my walk. It seemed that the driver cracked his head into the wheel of the car and completely shattered his skull. There was a drug addict that seemed to have started to OD in the alleyway along with my walk. A rabbit tried to run across the road, but was unable to make it in time before he was completely flattened sejak the car. I sat on the bench for the bus. Everyone was just talking loudly, their phones blaring loud Muzik because these assholes didn’t want to use headphones. They just kept talking about the same shit. The phones kept ringing. Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, rINg, RinG, RiNg, rInG, rINg, RinG, RiNg, rInG, rINg, RinG, RiNg, rInG-

May 3rd

I just kinda sat there on the floor. I didn’t even bother crawling my way to the bed. I just lied there and looked up at the ceiling. Maybe I should just jump off the roof and see if I can crack my head open to see if I really do have a tumor atau not. It doesn’t really matter. It’s hopeless at this point. I didn’t exactly have much of a life to live, and I didn’t exactly have much to change it, and lacked any and all motivation to do so. Maybe I should make some roti bakar as I take a bath, atau perhaps clean the inside of the oven, but leave it on to keep myself warm. Nah, I’d probably just hang myself. As I was making my way out the door to go buy some rope, I heard that horrid ringing again. I was able to find the phone this time, thankfully, before it gave me another splitting headache and make me want to blow my brains out for another reason. It was Julia again. She went on again about work and such, and I just sat and listened. It wasn’t much for me to care, but I decided to listen to her anyway. She kept going on, and before long, she changed things, from the color of the sky, to the taste of certain fruits, to this one movie she saw with this certain actor, and how she really didn’t like him. I guess we talked for hours, since the sun was already setting. Julia told me that she had to go. Alright, I said. I’ll see anda around. She then berkata something that I never thought I’d hear her say. “I Cinta you”. She seemed to go quiet after that, before saying goodbye and hanging up. I just stood there, phone up to my ear, the words she spoke rang through my ear and rattled about in my brain. For the first time in a long time, I actually felt joy over something.

June 1st

Julia and I have managed to do a lot now. We decided to get a new apartment together. One that was fermented in human urine. We even had a cat. He was a fat guy, and just kinda sat there on the floor. He also had a habit of closing one eye before the other. We named him Furball. As for the other cat that was on the sidewalk, it seemed to finally be gone now, and all that remained in it’s place was a single sunflower. It was a beautiful sight. I’m sure the cat would be pleased to know that such a thing was there in it’s place. My mother has finally been able to accept me again, after I accepted myself. I think things between me and mother will be alright, even if she isn’t with me, I know she will be sejak my side. The black clouds even seemed to part. Most of my days were spent with Julia, but sometimes, I would still go out into the country and sit underneath the arched pokok to relax. And after all of what I had experienced, I would say for sure that I am relaxed. I can say for certainty that everything is fine.

June 20th

I can say for certain that everything is fine.

July 4th

I can say for certain that everything is fine

July 28th

I can say for certain that everything is fine

August 2nd

I can say for certain that everything is fine

August 10th

I can say for certain that everything is fine

August 23rd

I can say for certain that everything is fine

September 1st

I can say for certain that everything is fine

September 2nd

I can say for certain that everything is fine

September 3rd

I can say for certain that everything is fine

September 4th

I can say for certain that everything is fine

September 5th

I can say for certain that everything is fine

September 6th

I can say for certain that everything is fine

September 7th

I can say for certain that everything is fine

September 8th

I can say for certain that everything is-

September 9th

I regret to inform that, I, David, have died. Not from a tumor. Not from jumping from the roof. Not even from the rotten steak I had the other day. Those pills the Doctor gave me may have been just for lebih than seizures and headaches. I guess I had lebih medical issues than I thought I had. Regardless, there is nothing I can do about it now. I’m dead, and a dead person can’t just come back the way we want them to. But, I don’t have any regrets, really. At the start of this year, I thought for sure that I would have to nothing but regrets. But, I was able to experience the things I had wanted to in life. I knew what it was like to fall for someone, despite the hardships in the start. I could feel the bond family has, even if not through face-to-face contact. And I was able to see the beauty of the world, from small pleasures to coffee atau a single sunflower, but all beauty, to me, comes through a single tree. Even in the worst of times, this pokok always stood here in it’s place, standing out amongst the empty countryside and the dark clouds. So, as I am placed into the back of an ambulans and driven to the morgue, I can say that I have no regrets and no longer have any fear to die, but no want to die either. It’s just something that I have come to accept, as it is just a part of life. It’s just another stepping stone of this great big pond we call out life. Nothing lebih to it. Sure, I never did have other pleasures in life, such as the taste of coffee with cream atau the joys of sleeping with a woman anda truly love, but as far as regrets go, I think I am able to pass on, and leave my regrets at the door.