Read on...
My night began as any other normal weeknight; Came home, fixed dinner, play with the kids.
I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the seterusnya few hours; 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet...' So, I head to the site of my demise; The Bathroom.
It was one of those 'Cold Wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, anda just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm & anda peel them apart & press them to your leg (or wherever else) & anda pull the hair right off; No muss. No fuss. How hard could it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK?!)
So, I pull one of the think strips out. It's two strips facing each other, stuck together. But, instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in, so I get out the hair dryer & heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold Wax', yeah... right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight & pull. It works! *Triumph!*
Ok, so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't too bad, either. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-Rah; Fighter-of-all-Wayward-Body-Hair-and-Maker-of-Smooth-Skin Extraordinaire!
With my seterusnya wax strip, I alih North.
After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties on the floor & place on foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha & stretching down to the inside of my butt-cheek (it was a loooooong strip), I inhale deeply & brace myself.... RRRRRIIIIIPPPP!!
'I'm blind!!!! Blinded from pain!!!! OH MY GAWD!!!!'
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP! Another deep breath and RIP! Everything is spinning & spotted.
I think I may pass out... Must stay conscious... Must stay conscious!
Do I hear crashing drums?? Breathe, breathe... OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy- a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much wrenching pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it...
WHERE IS THE HAIR?! WHERE IS THE WAX?!
Slowly, I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet; I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip... It's not!
I touch. I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax & matted hair. Then I make the seterusnya BIG mistake... remember, my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something, so I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut! SEALED SHUT!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do & think to myself; 'Please don't let me get the urge to take a poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits & the wax should melt & I can gently wipe it off... right?
WRONG!!
I get in the tub- the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war atau sterilize surgical equipment- I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together & then glued to the bottom of the tub... in scalding hot water.
Which, sejak the way, does not melt cold wax
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain.
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months lalu to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!
I call my friend, thinking that surely she has waxed before & has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter, for sure. 'So, my butt & hoo-ha are glued to together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located; 'Are we talking cheeks atau hole atau hoo-ha?' She's laughing out loud sejak now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown & she suggests I call the umber on the side of the box.
YEAHHH!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night!
While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrap the wax off with a razor...
Let me tell ya; Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water & then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
sejak now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike & I'm pretty sure I'm going to need post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace... The lotion they give anda to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point?
I rub some on & OH MY GOD!!!!
*The scream probably woke the kids & scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooooo painful, but I really don't care!*
'IT WORKS! It works!'
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend & she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax & then notice to my grief and despair...
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!!
So, I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb sejak now, what else could go wrong?
Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
seterusnya week, I'm going to try hair color...
