Hello friends. Recently a friend has asked me to write a critique for a character named Rynk in this club. I spent 2 hours on this only to find out that the person who asked for the critique in the first place didn't read past the first 2 paragraphs. Then proceeded to create a large amount of drama over it that resulted in hurting my Friends emotionally.. Now being the evil mother fucker I am, of course I decided to make this critique public for everyone! Because hey, if the person who it was intended for didn't read it someone else should. Plus giving someone a taste of their own medicine is always a fun thing to do. Everything that's in quotations is from Rynks biography, for context on what I'm talking about.
Reminder: This person asked for the critique from my friend, and made it clear that he didn't like what she said. Which is why I jumped in, to give him a lebih in-depth critique. Okay, now let's start the actual review.
"Species: Rynk looks like a lynx but she’s really…
~Acid Monster 25 %
~Banshee Mobian 25 %
~Identity 10 %
~Mobian Core 10 %
~Xorda Mobian 10 %
~ Lynx 20 %"
Stop. I know this is your characters gimmick, but DNA actually doesn't work that way, at all. Humans for example share 50% of our DNA with bananas, 98% with chimpanzees, and every human shares 99% DNA with each other. While humans and chimpanzees are sort of alike, anda cannot deny that a pisang and a human share very little similarities in looks atau abilities. Because, well, all of these percentages are way under 50% this means that this character shouldn't have much in common with these other species. Let alone completely changing forms. In fact, the changing forms is a huge issue in itself even if anda forget the science, but I'll get into that later. What I recommend is removing the form gimmick all together and give her just a little bit of everything from each of these species. That will also solve the complexity issue this character has which I will get into later on.
"Rynk from there grew up for seven years in an orphanage before the orphanage was shut down and she ran off to the streets. She was found sejak an employee of Melcro Industries, who discovered she was “Hellborn” and brought her to Melcro Labs, where she was tested on and hybrided with three other DNA’s (her parents gave her the lynx one to make her look normal) for lebih than two years in captivity. Eventually around age 11 she escaped, though her mind was brutally damaged, and she could only remember very little about the time before her captivity. She lived on the streets after that for two lebih years, before she went to Mobius Academy, where she be-friended a fox named Grace. She lives in Mobius Academy during the school year, and in the Summer her city, Semretches. Her rival is Melcro, a mastermind overlander (think of him like Albert Wesker X{D), whom no one knows what his motives are."
Okay. I'll let the cliché orphan/test subject back story slide for now, however I have to bring up that pesky science card again, unless the parents are lynx's, which they are not, they cannot "give" her Lynx DNA. Unless of course anda have an explanation on how, honestly that's a pretty major thing because it dictates her Rekaan but anda left it so vague. Also, may I recommend some physiological trauma and some "triggers" to this character? Having been through all of that I would imagine she would get some. Go research them on your own and give her one atau two that anda think would fit best telah diberi her situation. Also, anda have both the "orphan" and "test subject" story going on, which is SO over done. Maybe this is just me being picky, but perhaps anda should sunting out the orphan part (maybe she was born into the labs?) so the story just doesn't scream "Unoriginal" as it does now. Also, don't call your character "like" another character. It really makes anda look like anda copied and pasted an already existing character into your story with a new name.
"Abilities: … I’ll senarai abilities and weaknesses to avoid stu-ness
Acid Monster abilities
~Acid… yeah
Weaknesses
~Water increases bulu and hair, as over-exposure is damaging
~ Not too sure but I think Acid monsters might be a bit fragile
Banshee Mobian Abilities
~Metal Bones (the metal bone abilities transfers to all DNA’s)
~Flight (via a web-like substance excreted from the arms and legs)
~Sound abilities
~Able to increase and decrease density
Weaknesses
~Very Flammable
Identity Abilities
~ Chaos Energy
Weaknesses
~Using chaos energy drains stamina immensely
Mobian Core abilities
~Unable to be physically harmed
Weaknesses
~Maintaining this DNA is difficult, and stressful. Usually lasts maybe two to five minit max.
~Can be drowned atau smothered.
Xorda Mobian Abiliites
~Electrified tentacle appendages (Before anyone says anything, XORDA are meriam Sonic Comic aliens. I just adapted the idea)
~Extremely flexible
Weaknesses
~Becomes very easily harmed, very fragile
Lynx abilities
~None… it’s just a lynx. Same with weaknesses.
Natural skills and abilities
~Rynk is very fit, making her strong, and flexible. She can lift around a bug-car at her max strength normally (Normally not including a certain DNA that she gets stuck with), and that includes all groaning and screaming to do so.
~Claws
Weaknesses
~Rynk’s large ears make her very easily harmed sejak loud noises, even when in her banshee form.
~While Rynk’s metal Bones are strong, it is extremely painful if they bend atau break.
~Every time Rynk activates her DNA’s it drains her energy slightly, and it is not replenished with each different form, so she can be exhausted easily if the battle is long enough."
I'm assuming sejak stu anda mean over powered.
Honestly, to me this character looks like she has some major balancing issues. Having multiple forms in general, especially forms who's strengths cover each other's weaknesses. While yes, switching forms weakens her, it's likely that the opponent doesn't have access to anything that will work against the new form, atau the seterusnya form, atau the seterusnya form, atau the seterusnya form making her a jack of all trades master of all. Which is incredibly boring from an enjoying the fight standpoint. Who wants to read a story atau roleplay with someone who has a character who can just say "that was my weakness a saat ago, but now it's not LOL even though I'm a bit weaker now anda just Lost your shot at winning because my new form has stuff you're unprepared for!!!" Also, it might help anda to know a bit about the species that you're using, since anda are unsure of an Acid Monsters weakness. Some of these weaknesses are also rather...lame. Let me explain, anyone can die in a fire, anyone can be drowned, and anyone can be smoothed. So those weaknesses, aren't really weaknesses because it applies to anyone who's normal. I like the weaknesses that involve using ones power to much. However with the weaknesses that I talked about earlier, why not give her something lebih unique? atau maybe multiple things that don't ruin her completely when exposed to, but just multiple small things that's always there. atau even something on the psychological level? She does have a standard tragic back story after all so maybe anda can incorporate that. Perhaps anda can also give her a collective weakness across all forms, but honestly I think it would be better if anda ditched the form gimmick all together and stick with her having just a little bit of features from each specifies
" ~Rynk also has a Daricha form, rage based and all that, but it almost never happens, and is almost impossible to obtain (don’t expect it to pop up any time soon)
~Also because of a vampire bite (not scripted. This happened in a forum out of nowhere), Rynk is a bit… aggressive. She bites people a lot, which allows her to get their DNA, but when she does this it cancels out EVERYTHING she has (even metal bones) except her own self (her personality, memories ect). Her vampire DNA also increases her normal senses, and makes her much stronger than normal.
~Finally Rynk can create clones of her DNA’s called “Rynk-Drones” to carry out her tasks, but they have their own personalities, so they’ve even betrayed her before. Also doing so drains her extremely. If she does six of them at a time, she can die."
2 lebih forms? Really? Don't anda think you're over doing it with the forms? Both of which have no explanation what so ever? Do I even need to go into on why this is bad? This character is complex enough already with 5 forms. Also, "Rynk-Drones"...? How. How. How? How does she create them? How did she get the ability to do that? Aren't they technically her Bayi and sentient creatures since they aren't robotic and have their own personalities? No there is no reason to have that other than to further complicate an already too complicated character. I mean complicated in a bad way, sejak the way.
" Note: While Rynk does have a very large amount of abilities, there are many simple ways to beat her atau kill her (knock her out, light her on fire, create a really loud sound), and the point of having all these powers were plot-driven, as she is meant to be a weaponized mobian."
She has FAR too many abilities. She's to clustered, and I'm sorry but "knocking out" isn't exactly an easy feat when the character has over 5 forms. If her opponent has a weakness? She can just switch. I find it very unlikely that a character like this will be knocked out easily. api, kebakaran kills most people anyway so that hardly qualifies as a weakness, and the only one I can give anda is loud sound....yay? Shadow was meant to be a weapon too, but he isn't nearly as cluttered as this character is. anda really really really need to simplify her powers.
"Personality: Rynk is a huge Dare-devil, who charges full into battle, not caring how dangerous, though she can tell if something should be taken carefully at times. She’s surprisingly humble, but can be extremely aggressive, and sometimes cannot control her aggression. She’s surprisingly friendly, playful, and loves cracking jokes, but gets confused easily, and has had to have people explain things slowly on occasion. She doesn’t like taking charge, and would rather be telah diberi a mission, then trying to tell someone what to do. And while she isn’t too stubborn, she doesn’t let anyone push her around, and can get so stubborn because of it, that she won’t listen to reason. When it comes to hostility, Rynk doesn’t tunjuk any form of remorse for enemies, but is extremely protective of allies. This is a bad thing as well however, because it sometimes leads to her being too untrusting, but thankfully she doesn’t hold grudges."
...After all of that with the powers this is all you're giving me for the personality? I can see where anda put all your effort into then. Listen, complex characters are a good thing. sejak that I mean complex back stories, complex personalities (this characters personality seems rather straight forward...) but anda seem to have put personality and back-story aside for the boom boom pow. Which isn't a good thing. Readers like characters they can relate to, and all of the abilities aren't something that's exactly relatable as to be expected with characters with super abilities. So that leaves the readers to fall back on story and personality to relate with...and the story to cliché for most people to really care..leaving just the personality which I get the standard "friend with anger issues" idea from. My main gripe with the personality itself is that I can't figure out how she some of developed it due to her story. I'm mostly talking about the "fun social" side of her. telah diberi her standard tragic back-story and how she was captured and lived on the streets one would imagine that she would be on the lebih awkward side of the social spectrum with emotions that she can't control. With as her story progresses she gets better at socializing and controlling her emotions- but doesn't manage to perfect it.
"~Rynk is Persian and Scottish. Her accent was originally Scottish, then changed to Persian all of the sudden, and then the accents sort of meshed, so she sounds lebih British than anything."
anda cannot change accents all of the sudden. Epically without an explanation.
"~She likes to say “Flag” and “Sparta”"
And the point of that is...?
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My friend also criticized this character, and I also responded to some of his counter points. Which I included for your enjoyment.
----------------------------------------------
"Very flammable, while admittedly vague, isn’t extremely vague."
What.
" If you’ve read the banshee guide, it says how flammable,"
The fact that anda need multiple upon multiple guides and bios for a single character is not good. It's to cluttered and people are going to forget the details then end up not caring. It's important to remember that a reader is not obliged to read, atau even like your story. If anda smoother them with too many details to the point that it's hard to keep up with something as simple as "what this character has for powers" is one of the quickest ways to get a reader to leave. There is such a thing as to complex and this character passed that point long ago.
"very flammable means entire body lights on api, kebakaran in a short second. Normal bodies are not that flammable, to say nothing about the pain of having someone’s metal Bones heat up and eventually melt."
Have anda ever google'd the term "3rd degree burns"? It is very easy for a normal human being to die in a fire. In fact it is one of my kegemaran ways to die. Having a weakness like that in general is just bland and over used really, and the only reason it's so over used is because everyone dies in a fire. So it's not really unique.
"And each DNA has a backstory and a meaning"
That doesn't mean it can't be a bad idea atau not overwhelming to the reader.
"They’re both lynx-like, and both have similar outfits. I’ll admit they look alike, but there are many different characters that look like meriam characters who are meriam characters themselves, and they’re still fine. It’s not an issue, at least not a big one."
The fact that people can get your original character and an official character confused is a problem actually. A pretty big one at that if you're aiming for originality. (But I guess since you're using the orphan/test subject back story and that anda flat out admitted to one of your characters being like another that you're not...Which is disappointing) I honestly suggest doing a complete revamp of her Rekaan so people can look at your art of her and don't have to ask themselves "Is that this oc, atau is that Nicole?"
"Rynk’s lynx DNA was telah diberi to her sejak her parents so that she would LOOK like a normal Mobian, so the government wouldn’t discover her real DNA’s. They chose lynx because it was feline, and would help match her stripes. It doesn’t have to have to do with the family itself. This is another case where anda would have to research lebih about the character. This is explained in the OFFSPRING mini-series. A review needs to be done with all information anda can find, not just profiles."
That still doesn't excuse the fact it's not possible atau explained for someone to just "give" someone new DNA.
"Rynk’s mother was Persian. Her Father was Scottish. Rynk being part Banshee gave her those accents. They changed over time because her body couldn’t decide what to use, and eventually the accents merged and sounded like a different one at random. Again, its explained."
As someone with a southern accent, I can guarantee anda that accents don't work like that. Accents aren't telah diberi sejak genetics, but upbringing. I'm assuming your character didn't spend much time with her parents due to the whole orphan situation, so if she has an accent it would be the accent that is used in the area she grew up in. Bodies don't choose which accent to use, it derives from the area the person grew up in, and is currently living in, and lebih over if she where to get traits from 2 different accents it wouldn't merge into a whole new one. While this IS an explanation, and it's a start since the Lynx DNA still need an explanation it really isn't a good one.
"" And one last tiny thing, stop referring to your characters as "Basically the ___ version of ___" because it's basically saying "Look at me I have no originality whatsoever"" I don’t know where you’re referring to that, but that was rude, and while sternness is needed in reviews, anda don’t have to throw in insults to someone who willingly gave anda their character to review."
"(think of him like Albert Wesker X{D),"
"You can’t fit everything into one bio, especially when the person was annoyed sejak it being too long in the first place. I could reference stories she’s in and specific events, but most people aren’t going to look for that, and I base that on the statement that people don’t usually senarai that sort of thing in reviews."
Yes, anda can actually. Check any wiki page of any character that has ever existed. If anda want a full review anda have to give the person who's doing the reviewing the full picture.
" Saying “Look at me I have no originality whatsoever” IS an insult, "
anda kind of admitted it when anda made that Albert Wesker comment. anda set yourself up for that one. Then only made it worse when anda tried to justify your character looking very similar to an official character. While anda may have taken the "no originality" komen as insulting, I honestly saw it as well deserved because of multiple things in this bio that aren't original.
"If anda think something is off, atau not explained, anda ask the person to explain, and anda go from there. ONE Bio doesn’t describe an entire character, and despite saying “I’m basing it on the Profile, so this is how it’s done.” You’re not going to get the whole package if anda do that, and anda will find plotholes. anda need to label specific places for almost every part that anda have a problem with. I have no idea what these vague atau overly detailed parts are unless anda tell me which parts they are. Granted I’ll probably find some of them on my own, but not all of them, and certainly not all the ones you’re talking about."
How can anda expect someone to give anda a full critique if anda don't give them everything in at least a summary format. That's not a fault on the people giving the critique, that's a fault of your own for not giving us enough information.
"I’m not trying to say you’re a bad reviewer, and I know you’re probably very angry about me saying “No you’re wrong” and “This is how it’s done” constantly. I’m sorry for that, I can’t stop any offense, but I don’t mean any. I don’t mean to upset you, but I was not pleased nor did I find approval with this review."
You're giving that impression. Honestly I noticed that in these last paragraphs you're being very passive aggressive (Something I pride myself in ) I looked over my Friends critique before she sent it, and while it was a bit simple for my tastes it did cover all the points that needed to be covered.
My friend says that everyone loves this character in this club of yours...if this is the best that anda guys have to offer I am honestly thoroughly disappointed. While the character is not completely terrible, she has a lot of work to be done. The biggest offense is all of the way too complicated forms, which I offered a solution that I hope anda consider.
Reminder: This person asked for the critique from my friend, and made it clear that he didn't like what she said. Which is why I jumped in, to give him a lebih in-depth critique. Okay, now let's start the actual review.
"Species: Rynk looks like a lynx but she’s really…
~Acid Monster 25 %
~Banshee Mobian 25 %
~Identity 10 %
~Mobian Core 10 %
~Xorda Mobian 10 %
~ Lynx 20 %"
Stop. I know this is your characters gimmick, but DNA actually doesn't work that way, at all. Humans for example share 50% of our DNA with bananas, 98% with chimpanzees, and every human shares 99% DNA with each other. While humans and chimpanzees are sort of alike, anda cannot deny that a pisang and a human share very little similarities in looks atau abilities. Because, well, all of these percentages are way under 50% this means that this character shouldn't have much in common with these other species. Let alone completely changing forms. In fact, the changing forms is a huge issue in itself even if anda forget the science, but I'll get into that later. What I recommend is removing the form gimmick all together and give her just a little bit of everything from each of these species. That will also solve the complexity issue this character has which I will get into later on.
"Rynk from there grew up for seven years in an orphanage before the orphanage was shut down and she ran off to the streets. She was found sejak an employee of Melcro Industries, who discovered she was “Hellborn” and brought her to Melcro Labs, where she was tested on and hybrided with three other DNA’s (her parents gave her the lynx one to make her look normal) for lebih than two years in captivity. Eventually around age 11 she escaped, though her mind was brutally damaged, and she could only remember very little about the time before her captivity. She lived on the streets after that for two lebih years, before she went to Mobius Academy, where she be-friended a fox named Grace. She lives in Mobius Academy during the school year, and in the Summer her city, Semretches. Her rival is Melcro, a mastermind overlander (think of him like Albert Wesker X{D), whom no one knows what his motives are."
Okay. I'll let the cliché orphan/test subject back story slide for now, however I have to bring up that pesky science card again, unless the parents are lynx's, which they are not, they cannot "give" her Lynx DNA. Unless of course anda have an explanation on how, honestly that's a pretty major thing because it dictates her Rekaan but anda left it so vague. Also, may I recommend some physiological trauma and some "triggers" to this character? Having been through all of that I would imagine she would get some. Go research them on your own and give her one atau two that anda think would fit best telah diberi her situation. Also, anda have both the "orphan" and "test subject" story going on, which is SO over done. Maybe this is just me being picky, but perhaps anda should sunting out the orphan part (maybe she was born into the labs?) so the story just doesn't scream "Unoriginal" as it does now. Also, don't call your character "like" another character. It really makes anda look like anda copied and pasted an already existing character into your story with a new name.
"Abilities: … I’ll senarai abilities and weaknesses to avoid stu-ness
Acid Monster abilities
~Acid… yeah
Weaknesses
~Water increases bulu and hair, as over-exposure is damaging
~ Not too sure but I think Acid monsters might be a bit fragile
Banshee Mobian Abilities
~Metal Bones (the metal bone abilities transfers to all DNA’s)
~Flight (via a web-like substance excreted from the arms and legs)
~Sound abilities
~Able to increase and decrease density
Weaknesses
~Very Flammable
Identity Abilities
~ Chaos Energy
Weaknesses
~Using chaos energy drains stamina immensely
Mobian Core abilities
~Unable to be physically harmed
Weaknesses
~Maintaining this DNA is difficult, and stressful. Usually lasts maybe two to five minit max.
~Can be drowned atau smothered.
Xorda Mobian Abiliites
~Electrified tentacle appendages (Before anyone says anything, XORDA are meriam Sonic Comic aliens. I just adapted the idea)
~Extremely flexible
Weaknesses
~Becomes very easily harmed, very fragile
Lynx abilities
~None… it’s just a lynx. Same with weaknesses.
Natural skills and abilities
~Rynk is very fit, making her strong, and flexible. She can lift around a bug-car at her max strength normally (Normally not including a certain DNA that she gets stuck with), and that includes all groaning and screaming to do so.
~Claws
Weaknesses
~Rynk’s large ears make her very easily harmed sejak loud noises, even when in her banshee form.
~While Rynk’s metal Bones are strong, it is extremely painful if they bend atau break.
~Every time Rynk activates her DNA’s it drains her energy slightly, and it is not replenished with each different form, so she can be exhausted easily if the battle is long enough."
I'm assuming sejak stu anda mean over powered.
Honestly, to me this character looks like she has some major balancing issues. Having multiple forms in general, especially forms who's strengths cover each other's weaknesses. While yes, switching forms weakens her, it's likely that the opponent doesn't have access to anything that will work against the new form, atau the seterusnya form, atau the seterusnya form, atau the seterusnya form making her a jack of all trades master of all. Which is incredibly boring from an enjoying the fight standpoint. Who wants to read a story atau roleplay with someone who has a character who can just say "that was my weakness a saat ago, but now it's not LOL even though I'm a bit weaker now anda just Lost your shot at winning because my new form has stuff you're unprepared for!!!" Also, it might help anda to know a bit about the species that you're using, since anda are unsure of an Acid Monsters weakness. Some of these weaknesses are also rather...lame. Let me explain, anyone can die in a fire, anyone can be drowned, and anyone can be smoothed. So those weaknesses, aren't really weaknesses because it applies to anyone who's normal. I like the weaknesses that involve using ones power to much. However with the weaknesses that I talked about earlier, why not give her something lebih unique? atau maybe multiple things that don't ruin her completely when exposed to, but just multiple small things that's always there. atau even something on the psychological level? She does have a standard tragic back story after all so maybe anda can incorporate that. Perhaps anda can also give her a collective weakness across all forms, but honestly I think it would be better if anda ditched the form gimmick all together and stick with her having just a little bit of features from each specifies
" ~Rynk also has a Daricha form, rage based and all that, but it almost never happens, and is almost impossible to obtain (don’t expect it to pop up any time soon)
~Also because of a vampire bite (not scripted. This happened in a forum out of nowhere), Rynk is a bit… aggressive. She bites people a lot, which allows her to get their DNA, but when she does this it cancels out EVERYTHING she has (even metal bones) except her own self (her personality, memories ect). Her vampire DNA also increases her normal senses, and makes her much stronger than normal.
~Finally Rynk can create clones of her DNA’s called “Rynk-Drones” to carry out her tasks, but they have their own personalities, so they’ve even betrayed her before. Also doing so drains her extremely. If she does six of them at a time, she can die."
2 lebih forms? Really? Don't anda think you're over doing it with the forms? Both of which have no explanation what so ever? Do I even need to go into on why this is bad? This character is complex enough already with 5 forms. Also, "Rynk-Drones"...? How. How. How? How does she create them? How did she get the ability to do that? Aren't they technically her Bayi and sentient creatures since they aren't robotic and have their own personalities? No there is no reason to have that other than to further complicate an already too complicated character. I mean complicated in a bad way, sejak the way.
" Note: While Rynk does have a very large amount of abilities, there are many simple ways to beat her atau kill her (knock her out, light her on fire, create a really loud sound), and the point of having all these powers were plot-driven, as she is meant to be a weaponized mobian."
She has FAR too many abilities. She's to clustered, and I'm sorry but "knocking out" isn't exactly an easy feat when the character has over 5 forms. If her opponent has a weakness? She can just switch. I find it very unlikely that a character like this will be knocked out easily. api, kebakaran kills most people anyway so that hardly qualifies as a weakness, and the only one I can give anda is loud sound....yay? Shadow was meant to be a weapon too, but he isn't nearly as cluttered as this character is. anda really really really need to simplify her powers.
"Personality: Rynk is a huge Dare-devil, who charges full into battle, not caring how dangerous, though she can tell if something should be taken carefully at times. She’s surprisingly humble, but can be extremely aggressive, and sometimes cannot control her aggression. She’s surprisingly friendly, playful, and loves cracking jokes, but gets confused easily, and has had to have people explain things slowly on occasion. She doesn’t like taking charge, and would rather be telah diberi a mission, then trying to tell someone what to do. And while she isn’t too stubborn, she doesn’t let anyone push her around, and can get so stubborn because of it, that she won’t listen to reason. When it comes to hostility, Rynk doesn’t tunjuk any form of remorse for enemies, but is extremely protective of allies. This is a bad thing as well however, because it sometimes leads to her being too untrusting, but thankfully she doesn’t hold grudges."
...After all of that with the powers this is all you're giving me for the personality? I can see where anda put all your effort into then. Listen, complex characters are a good thing. sejak that I mean complex back stories, complex personalities (this characters personality seems rather straight forward...) but anda seem to have put personality and back-story aside for the boom boom pow. Which isn't a good thing. Readers like characters they can relate to, and all of the abilities aren't something that's exactly relatable as to be expected with characters with super abilities. So that leaves the readers to fall back on story and personality to relate with...and the story to cliché for most people to really care..leaving just the personality which I get the standard "friend with anger issues" idea from. My main gripe with the personality itself is that I can't figure out how she some of developed it due to her story. I'm mostly talking about the "fun social" side of her. telah diberi her standard tragic back-story and how she was captured and lived on the streets one would imagine that she would be on the lebih awkward side of the social spectrum with emotions that she can't control. With as her story progresses she gets better at socializing and controlling her emotions- but doesn't manage to perfect it.
"~Rynk is Persian and Scottish. Her accent was originally Scottish, then changed to Persian all of the sudden, and then the accents sort of meshed, so she sounds lebih British than anything."
anda cannot change accents all of the sudden. Epically without an explanation.
"~She likes to say “Flag” and “Sparta”"
And the point of that is...?
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My friend also criticized this character, and I also responded to some of his counter points. Which I included for your enjoyment.
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"Very flammable, while admittedly vague, isn’t extremely vague."
What.
" If you’ve read the banshee guide, it says how flammable,"
The fact that anda need multiple upon multiple guides and bios for a single character is not good. It's to cluttered and people are going to forget the details then end up not caring. It's important to remember that a reader is not obliged to read, atau even like your story. If anda smoother them with too many details to the point that it's hard to keep up with something as simple as "what this character has for powers" is one of the quickest ways to get a reader to leave. There is such a thing as to complex and this character passed that point long ago.
"very flammable means entire body lights on api, kebakaran in a short second. Normal bodies are not that flammable, to say nothing about the pain of having someone’s metal Bones heat up and eventually melt."
Have anda ever google'd the term "3rd degree burns"? It is very easy for a normal human being to die in a fire. In fact it is one of my kegemaran ways to die. Having a weakness like that in general is just bland and over used really, and the only reason it's so over used is because everyone dies in a fire. So it's not really unique.
"And each DNA has a backstory and a meaning"
That doesn't mean it can't be a bad idea atau not overwhelming to the reader.
"They’re both lynx-like, and both have similar outfits. I’ll admit they look alike, but there are many different characters that look like meriam characters who are meriam characters themselves, and they’re still fine. It’s not an issue, at least not a big one."
The fact that people can get your original character and an official character confused is a problem actually. A pretty big one at that if you're aiming for originality. (But I guess since you're using the orphan/test subject back story and that anda flat out admitted to one of your characters being like another that you're not...Which is disappointing) I honestly suggest doing a complete revamp of her Rekaan so people can look at your art of her and don't have to ask themselves "Is that this oc, atau is that Nicole?"
"Rynk’s lynx DNA was telah diberi to her sejak her parents so that she would LOOK like a normal Mobian, so the government wouldn’t discover her real DNA’s. They chose lynx because it was feline, and would help match her stripes. It doesn’t have to have to do with the family itself. This is another case where anda would have to research lebih about the character. This is explained in the OFFSPRING mini-series. A review needs to be done with all information anda can find, not just profiles."
That still doesn't excuse the fact it's not possible atau explained for someone to just "give" someone new DNA.
"Rynk’s mother was Persian. Her Father was Scottish. Rynk being part Banshee gave her those accents. They changed over time because her body couldn’t decide what to use, and eventually the accents merged and sounded like a different one at random. Again, its explained."
As someone with a southern accent, I can guarantee anda that accents don't work like that. Accents aren't telah diberi sejak genetics, but upbringing. I'm assuming your character didn't spend much time with her parents due to the whole orphan situation, so if she has an accent it would be the accent that is used in the area she grew up in. Bodies don't choose which accent to use, it derives from the area the person grew up in, and is currently living in, and lebih over if she where to get traits from 2 different accents it wouldn't merge into a whole new one. While this IS an explanation, and it's a start since the Lynx DNA still need an explanation it really isn't a good one.
"" And one last tiny thing, stop referring to your characters as "Basically the ___ version of ___" because it's basically saying "Look at me I have no originality whatsoever"" I don’t know where you’re referring to that, but that was rude, and while sternness is needed in reviews, anda don’t have to throw in insults to someone who willingly gave anda their character to review."
"(think of him like Albert Wesker X{D),"
"You can’t fit everything into one bio, especially when the person was annoyed sejak it being too long in the first place. I could reference stories she’s in and specific events, but most people aren’t going to look for that, and I base that on the statement that people don’t usually senarai that sort of thing in reviews."
Yes, anda can actually. Check any wiki page of any character that has ever existed. If anda want a full review anda have to give the person who's doing the reviewing the full picture.
" Saying “Look at me I have no originality whatsoever” IS an insult, "
anda kind of admitted it when anda made that Albert Wesker comment. anda set yourself up for that one. Then only made it worse when anda tried to justify your character looking very similar to an official character. While anda may have taken the "no originality" komen as insulting, I honestly saw it as well deserved because of multiple things in this bio that aren't original.
"If anda think something is off, atau not explained, anda ask the person to explain, and anda go from there. ONE Bio doesn’t describe an entire character, and despite saying “I’m basing it on the Profile, so this is how it’s done.” You’re not going to get the whole package if anda do that, and anda will find plotholes. anda need to label specific places for almost every part that anda have a problem with. I have no idea what these vague atau overly detailed parts are unless anda tell me which parts they are. Granted I’ll probably find some of them on my own, but not all of them, and certainly not all the ones you’re talking about."
How can anda expect someone to give anda a full critique if anda don't give them everything in at least a summary format. That's not a fault on the people giving the critique, that's a fault of your own for not giving us enough information.
"I’m not trying to say you’re a bad reviewer, and I know you’re probably very angry about me saying “No you’re wrong” and “This is how it’s done” constantly. I’m sorry for that, I can’t stop any offense, but I don’t mean any. I don’t mean to upset you, but I was not pleased nor did I find approval with this review."
You're giving that impression. Honestly I noticed that in these last paragraphs you're being very passive aggressive (Something I pride myself in ) I looked over my Friends critique before she sent it, and while it was a bit simple for my tastes it did cover all the points that needed to be covered.
My friend says that everyone loves this character in this club of yours...if this is the best that anda guys have to offer I am honestly thoroughly disappointed. While the character is not completely terrible, she has a lot of work to be done. The biggest offense is all of the way too complicated forms, which I offered a solution that I hope anda consider.
Ember 5 years old (By Evolia_Wulf)
Nelian , same old pic! xD
Ah~! I find a losted puisi somewhere in my old laptop and had saved it to this new~
This must be very new, because I had use those words somewhere before~ ^^ Hope anda like this small poetry, for the big words.
*****
I've done my everything
I've crossed the line of invisibility
I've been in hell and heaven
but still, I always return
It's too late to do anything
It's too late to regret
It's too late to look one's eyes
And say I'm sorry
I've seen death
No one remembers me
I've done bad things
I've lied, but still
It's too late to do anything
It's too late to regret
It's too late to look one's eyes
And say I'm sorry
This must be very new, because I had use those words somewhere before~ ^^ Hope anda like this small poetry, for the big words.
*****
I've done my everything
I've crossed the line of invisibility
I've been in hell and heaven
but still, I always return
It's too late to do anything
It's too late to regret
It's too late to look one's eyes
And say I'm sorry
I've seen death
No one remembers me
I've done bad things
I've lied, but still
It's too late to do anything
It's too late to regret
It's too late to look one's eyes
And say I'm sorry
Dis Him. Right dere. See?
(Sorry I haven't been doing this series. I've been super busy. D: Also I was trying to modify this to make it good enough for my standards. :P Now enough with explaining, let's get with the story. :D)
APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!! I cancelled that peminat fiction. XD Now if anda excuse me, I'm gonna not waste my time Penulisan a story that people don't even read and go get some Frozen yogurt. -U-
APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!! I cancelled that peminat fiction. XD Now if anda excuse me, I'm gonna not waste my time Penulisan a story that people don't even read and go get some Frozen yogurt. -U-
