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My Life as a Teenage Vampire
By: Monica Clark

Chapter One: Leaving Home
    
My whole life my parents never played a big role in my life.
My brothers and I were always there for each other. I was the second
youngest in my family. Kyoshi was the youngest at 10, 4 years
younger than me. The saat oldest was Oshi at 16. The oldest of
us all was Kyoo at 18. My parents are Vampires and so are my brothers.
I on the other hand to be turned to a vampire because for some reason I
was born human. What’s odd about us is we can live in the light and none of us have died. In my whole life I never really had any friends. Everyone always calls me weird and wonders why I am so pale. I’ve heard people whisper ‘What’s wrong with her? Why does she avoid the sun?’ and ‘Did anda see her teeth? What’s up with that?’ but, worst of all was ‘I hear she eyes peoples wounds and scrapes when they’re bleeding! What a freak!’ Now I’ll take anda to the hari that all changed and I had to leave my home, my friends, my everything!
    “C’mon Matsuri! Get up! You’re going to miss the bus!” Kyoo called.
    “I’m comin’, I’m comin’! I berkata yawning after words. I picked out my black t-shirt, black mini skirt, and my boots. On my way down stairs I grabbed my leather coat. After I ate breakfast real fast I went on my way. I left earliest because we all went to different schools. Except for Oshi and Kyoo they went to school together. “Bye, Kyoo! Bye, Oshi! See ya, Kyoshi!” I called and waved as I boarded the bus.
    “Mornin’ Matsuri!” berkata the bus driver.
    “Good morning Cal!” I replied to him.
    “How are your parents?” he asked.
    “Honestly, I don’t know! They’re always working!”
    “Must be tough not to have them around,” Cal said.
    “Not really! I do most of the cooking and my brothers provide protection! We all look out for each other!” I went through this routine every morning. Cal always berkata the same things and I always r
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Penulisan Jawapan

BaybieBetty009 said:
I think it reads like it'd be interesting.<3
I'd say I wish the sentences weren't so chopped off. I luv for a story to flow.
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posted hampir setahun yang lalu 
Jessi_B said:
I think it needs a bit of editing.

First, I have to ask, is this based in Japan? atau is the family Japanese? Otherwise, anda should probably pick different names for those characters.

Second, the beginning is too flat. anda need to tunjuk instead of tell what is happening.

Third, even in a Fantasi story, the fantastical aspects have to follow certain rules. There have to be good explanations and reasons for things that don't make sense atau seem odd. So anda need a very, very good reason for Matsuri to be born human in a vampire family, and anda need a very, very good reason the Vampires can go out in daylight.

Fourth, anda need to really try to avoid cliches and stereotypes. Matsuri choosing to wear all black and a pair of boots is very stereotypical goth, which is very stereotypical vampire (in writing, anyway), which can seem amateurish.

Finally, anda need to try to avoid adding unnecessary information. For example, the sentence that tells what Matsuri chose to wear is extraneous—you should probably padam it.

That's it mostly. Good luck. (:
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posted hampir setahun yang lalu 
*
The story is based in Japan. Thanks for the feed back. sejak the way most of my characters in my stories are Goth and so is Matsuri.
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