PART 1- LETS HAVE A RANT

Hi. So yeah, from the tajuk I think you've gathered this story is about .... well let's just say a problematic 19 tahun old struggling to find a meaning in life.

If you're a typical "Caucasian" you'll never understand the things we "brown people" have to face. Over-protective parents are just the start. The kinds of people are totally different. The type of "cheats", "betrayers", "heart-breakers".

Being born in a place 2% of the people worldwide knew is just the start of a slightly difficult life. For now, lemme just summarize my life for you. I'm a 19 tahun old girl living in a tiny part of Asia. Now Asia doesn't only have China, Jepun and Singapore anda know. Besides that, here the system for things is completely out o' this world if anda know what I mean. In Europian countries atau any part of America atau Australia where the education system is in actual words "fair" and "fruitful", in the place I live education system is...let's face it, A SHAM. Not being a horrible person here, but it's the truth. In those places where people depend on buku and methods and long nights of studying to pass and do good on SATS atau stuff, here people rely on the soalan papers leaked the night before the exam and the exam center so they can sneak things in to the center. Well if after this, I'm shot in the head sejak certain "activists", I won't be shocked. But its the truth. So yeah, when you're fighting to gain recognition among 200 thousand students every tahun where the universities can actually accommodate 10% of the candidates, its get harder every hari to live a normal life and breathe. I agree, the education system elsewhere is pretty expensive. Some can't even afford it. So here there's a certain thing called "public universities". These educational institutions promise quality education at about 5 dollars per month. Shocked? Even the average waffle costs lebih than that. But there's a huge twist here. The typical brown issues have a major headlight, beeming with the message "Guinea pigs, this way! Get your way in and a confirmed job after 5 years." Okay what's so hard in this anda ask? Let me explain. In this harsh economy and cut throat system, each universiti takes about 2000 to 2500 candidates max. Some even have 250 seats and the competitor senarai exceeds 30k. Ranting too much? Sorry, old vendetta. So yeah, if anda can squeeze your way in those 20,000 seats GREAT! If not, there comes the private varsities. These places are like the regular universities in countries with white people. They charge about a total of 25,000 dollars. Which is fair enough, some of them actually give good education. But the main problem with brown people, they can't accept change. sejak brown people I do mean people here, if you're brown please don't get offended. So yeah that's where the issues start. If anda can't get yourself into those "public spots" fighting against all the unending corruptions and leaked soalan papers, you'll be termed worthless and talentless. Okay so wth anyway. Public universiti folks get jobs and we're forced to sit and ogle.

anda maybe wondering what this has to do with the story. Trust me, the connection is huge. So about 6 months lalu I graduated high school. So like any other student, I wanted a good college. To get some good teachers and have a life maybe. But sad, I couldn't find a place among those "special children of the LORD" aka "Public Varsity Students". Not gonna lie some of them are majorly talented, but that doesn't mean I have to go through taunts from the seterusnya door neighbor. Now if anda didn't know, unlike white folks, people here have real interest in other people's business. There own house maybe burning down, but they gotta stand there with kerosene and matchstick to light the other's house on fire.

When anda don't get any place anda get weird calls from all over the city. From people anda hardly know. Like dude I haven't even seen anda all my life and now suddenly anda wanna know where I'm gonna go study for the seterusnya 5 years of my life? Okay that's just half the problems. Then come the seterusnya door neighbor aunties. They're like the cheaper version of CCTV cameras. Here parents can't deal with the fact that their children may feel attraction towards the "opposite sex". So they're on the constant lookout for someone to come sejak so they can shoot both their children and the opposite sex children. And homosexuality? SHHHH! They'll kill anda with a fork if they hear that. Anywho... if anda can't afford to lookout for your children 24/7/365 with torch lights and inspection of their phone bills, just go on and ask the neighborhood aunties. They're like the mini James Bond, like I berkata cheaper CCTV. All anda gotta do is sertai them and feed them one new gossip every week and they'll be the bodyguard anda never had, always on the lookout for your kids. Where they at, who they with. Even if you're chilling one hari with your best friend(who's a boy) you'll soon hear things like, "I heard anda were out with a boy today." My mom is the typical brown woman. One hari she walks in the house after a long hari of teaching, and finds me randomly playing games on the computer.

I had glasses back then. I pushed the refrigerator's door close. She walks up to me and asks,"Who visited today?" Me being totally unaware of the danger lurking sejak replied very normally that no one came to see my annoying face. She banged her fist against the door and started to scream. Okay WHAT IS GOING ON? My brother is actually nocturnal-ish. He sleeps the whole hari and the whole hari I was sitting in his room for the Wi-Fi connection he cut short so that I couldn't access it from my room. So okay he walks out and sees my mom almost fuming. I recalled this weirdly funny incident where I heard a woman whose eyes popped out cause she was too angry. Mom was raging and started screaming. She only said, "A BOY CAME utama TODAY!" Okay I was shocked not gonna lie. Cause I had a boyfriend and he lived on the other end of town. And if he didn't come see me(secretively) who was here anyway. Then the teh was finally spilled. According to her, a man who apparently lives in our lane had told her he saw a boy visit sejak and me talking to him. I was so pissed. The only thing going on in my head was, who was this man? I asked my mom a hundred times who it was. Every time she replied with,"He's an old resident, he knows anda and everyone." Now I've been living in this locality for 7 years so I can pretty much recognize everyone. Me and my brother pushed for lebih info. But she refused to budge. Then I came up on a conclusion. My mom had absolutely NO IDEA who he was. He could've been a murdered atau someone who had absolutely no idea who I was, but she didn't care! NO SIREEE! All she cared about was the thing he told her, that a boy came sejak to visit me. So this is a pen picture of what you're gonna see lebih ahead on this story.

I banged my glasses against the floor and destroyed my kegemaran piece of specs. I shut the door close and cried and cried till my breath couldn't get shorter. My boyfriend tried to calm me down but I just screamed at my fate.

So now that phase is kinda gone. I'm 19. She can't really complain about who I'm to date. She still does tho. So now that I'm proudly sitting at utama with no college and theoretically no future, I gotta hear things from the neighborhood aunties again. These kinda lines also come from my mom's colleagues. Lines like, "Oh poor her! My daughter came 44th on the test." And lines like, lemme senarai them so anda can have a proper chance to pop your eyes out:

"My niece is studying a lot! She won't even go out to drink water!"

"She studying so much that her tongue is getting bloated."

"Oh so she didn't get into any varsity? Okay no issues. Tell her to look into the neighborhood community colleges"

There's nothing wrong with community college. But anda don't get it, its not actually an advice. Its a taunt disguised as an advice. She actually means,"I KNEW SHE WOULDN'T MAKE IT ANYWHERE! She has colored hair and she wears denims and jackets! Of course she wouldn't! HAHA sucker!" So yeah, that's what's actually painful. To see your mom say things like, "No one's interested in you!" and "You won't even get place on the streets." anda start losing self confidence. So I bet that's gonna give anda an idea why I'm actually a doormat. Everyone walks in and treads all over me and I'm expected to shake my head like a bobble-head.

Except that, everything's dandy. I live with my parents. Here we don't actually alih out. We alih in, lebih deeper into our parent's expectations and family's wishes. So yeah, great. I studied in a co-ed so I'm not as awkward as other girls near boys. I'm a self proclaimed extrovert and I believe in setting new boundaries. But it kinda gets tough when anda have about 200 people breathing down your neck and expecting anda to "KILL IT!" when anda yourself, and all your self dignity has been killed. To be very honest due to the lack of support I had a change of goals all my life. Mostly stuck between "I wanna go explore everything while doing what I love, SING!" and "This country is hopeless and I'm lebih so." Yea I wanted to be a singer. I had a weird voice. A weird mixture between Perrie Edwards and PINK. But I was always told I had a good one. If only here people would learn to accept a stronger voice. Here its a common thought, unless your voice is as smooth and high pitched as Celine Dion, you're better off dead. I could never do that to myself geez, as if I've lebih left to be killed.

My best Friends are great. But like everyone else they have issues. They're kinda majorly dramatic. I dont blame them, they've been brought up to not accept change and mock people. But that's fine with me. I've dated 4 kinda of guys in my life, 4 boyfriends. And sejak now I;m out of feelings to spare and decided to live my in solace, cause if I can't have the one for me I ain't settling for anything less. We'll alih on to the discussion later on, this was just to introduce anda to me. And to make anda understand how it feels to be different. And morely, people have to stop calling up exotic. Geez I'm not exotic, you're too white. No offense loves.

A few lebih details about me, okay. I have sarcasm in my blood and depression in my eyes sejak now. I talk a lot but express very less.That's why I thought to express myself a bit with people who'll never meet me but will know a part of my story. I can handle criticism but I can't handle cheats. All my life I've struggled with titles "fuckboys" and "abusers". I talk loud and not in circles, that's why most people here can't stand me. I colored my hair a tahun lalu and was termed as an outcast and as a reason I never got into a public university. I'm in Cinta with a guy who lives in Mexico and can never be mine, but sejak now I don't give a damn. I wanna grow up to do things I always wanted to do. Buy things without looking at price tags, go to his concerts. Did I mention the Cinta of my life sings? Yes he does. And one last thing, I smile a lot and try to hide my problems. Cause I believe its useless to spread unhappiness. I watch makeup tutorials but have no makeup. I buy loads of "SEXY" outfits but can't wear them cause then I'd be shammed for dressing like a slut. I'm outspoken and at the same time shy.

So yeah, that's it for the 1st chapter. Sorry if this was too much info for all anda guys, but I believe that to totally understand my story, anda should be able to relate to me a bit. So yeah, till my seterusnya chapter, let's all hope and pray ya'll don't suffer like I do and have a good life and I don't kill myself out of anxiety. On the seterusnya chapter I'll take anda back 4 years of my life and give anda an inside scoop of why I AM A DOORMAT.

Leave me some Cinta :) I'm back after 3 years lol